Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Talk to you soon
Thursday, December 18, 2008
" I would have chosen love differently"
There is a week till Christmas and all the pretending I have done to get in the spirit just isn't cutting it. I am broke. I am tired. I am stressed.
I read an article in my local newspaper where a man drove to a grocery store parking lot and took a gun and ended his life. They say he was recently unemployed and had a breakup. They also said that the influx of suicide attempt calls has greatly increased. This is sad I tell ya. But believe me I am far from even the thought of attempting suicide. I just think it is so sad that people are that stressed out. People struggling and giving up. I understand their stress and feel bad for their families. Times are tough. But I have to believe they will get better.
I try everyday when I get up to think of positive things and happy thoughts. Think of things that bring a smile to my face. But some mornings it just isn't that easy. But if you do look around, listen to other peoples stories and read the news you will see people have it much worse. I will keep pushing my thought process through the negative moments. I have to. I will get through this.
On a more positive note, I traveled to Connecticut with my sister yesterday to watch my neice play in a basketball tournament at Loomis Chaffee. They lost but it was still exciting to watch her play the game she loves so much. That brings a smile to my face :)
I received a nice positive email last night from my sons school saying how well he is doing and how impressed they are. I am always happy when I open an email from them and it is filled with positive words and not those oh so negative words that I am used to. That is looking up. He may finally be getting it together.
Well I am off to work. I have one other post that I will be posting but want it to be seperate. If anyone has something to share let me know.
I hope everyone else is doing ok and getting through the tough times.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
I remember way back when , back to the times when Christmas had a meaning and it was full of laughter and fun. Ok, so maybe I was only a child who still believed in Santa Claus. Young enough to have imagined him not sliding down the chimney since we lived in a three decker in the city. But him using the magic key that my mother hung on the front door. I used to wait up and attempt to keep my eyes open until he arrived. I never did catch him. I remember all of the extended family going to my grandparents and just simply enjoying our time together. Laughing, Singing and exchanging gifts. People were poor back then and the gifts weren't extravagant. But the gifts were either bought or made with you in mind. Gifts given out of love. Oh how simple those times were. I remember having my first job as a teenager and the pure joy of being able to go out and buy gifts for others. Nobody expected them or demanded them. They were simple happy to receive something out of love and consideration. Then the days when my son was young. He loved Christmas the same way I did. Wide eyed and ready to go first thing in the morning. It was fun to buy for him back then. Thomas the Tank Engine , Barney and all the other great things he loved. They were cheap. I could afford them. He loved them.
Christmas to me this year and for a few years past have become demanding, stressful and highly overrated. The meaning of Christmas is highly distorted now a days. Most people are struggling to get by but are forced to steal from Peter to pay Paul only to borrow from Mary to buy gifts. Children are trying to keep up with their friends and now want high priced video systems, cell phones and other electronic devices. Then they get them and you don't see that light around them, any joy in their eyes. It has become about the price tag of things and keeping up with the Jone's. I would prefer handmade gifts if any. No gifts are fine too. (*EXCEPT FOR YOU KRISTEN). I know times are hard and people are struggling to feed their families and pay the bills. People are trying to keep afloat during this economic crisis. I GET IT.... I am right there with you ...........LOL
So Christmas 2008 has become exactly this for me. Stressful and overwhelming. I have decorated the house in the effort to find the Christmas spirit that I have lost. I have played the music and even hummed a tune. But it is a struggle to pretend I am excited about finding $$$ to buy gifts for people. Not because in most cases I have to. But I want to. I am a giver. I love to buy gifts for the important people in my life. I buy gifts with meaning and people know I have put the thought and effort into getting them something that means something. But this year I am handing out:
Gift wrapped boxes full of stress, debt, panic, anxiety and frustration. I am giving them with love and a sense of hope. I hope if I can pass them on and then you pass them on none of us will have to hold on to them long enough to let them bother us. These are gifts worth re gifting. At some point once a gift has been re gifted too many times it gets thrown away. So these are my gifts to you. Sorry to have to share them with you. Fill them up with your matching gifts and pass them on. Lets hope UPS loses these boxes and 2009 brings a fresh start.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Now lets talk about Thanksgiving. I am so over family holidays. I am sure if you have a some what normal family it is fun and all that other shit. But when you have a family such as mine it is nothing but drama and stress. My sister came from NH with her three kids. Teenagers who have NO discipline and NO respect. They broke our couch from running on it, deleted my ENTIRE playlist on the computer, one of the boys stole from Guitar Center and bragged about it. The list could go on and on but it hurts my chest still to talk about it. The worse part is my sister says " Too bad, Suck it up". Guess what YOU SUCK IT UP. I raised my son. He wasn't always good but I disciplined him and attempted to correct his behaviors. I did the work, the doctors appointment, the therapist and all the other things that needed to be done to keep him straight. Don't just sit back and let your kids dominate you and control you. And most of all teach them to respect others. If they act up at home thats one thing but they should at least have enough respect to act correctly when they are visiting others. WHAT the FUCK?? Oh yeah one of the boys had the nerve to pull his leg back and kick my mother. Are you kidding me??? You go suck it up and take your kids home where they can break your shit and disrespect you. We don't need it here we have enough to deal with. And she had the nerve to tell my mother she had been holding her tounge. Hold your tongue and hold the gas peddle down as you drive out of state.
Work is sucky right now. Because of the financial crisis that this country is in people simply can't afford to eat out and waste the money. Therefore my hours have been cut right before Christmas. I barely make enough to get by week to week and now they cut my hours. What a fun Christmas this is going to be.
Things could be worse I get. I have gotten through worse. I am a survivor right?