My life hurts

Ok Ok I know I know

2009-10-13T02:25:00.000-07:00

I know I promised to get back on track w/ this blog but yesterday was so full of activities I just couldn't get back online.

I went to the gym, cleaned the house, did laundry, marinated meat for dinner, had company arrive then went hiking. Came home cooked dinner and had more company. I insist of living life while it is happening so I embraced it and visited and relaxed the best I could. I am not one to fully relax but damn it I tried. Even my son came to visit and that in itself is a full story.

So off to work I go, then testing a new tip to get me to the gym. Shower, cook supper, clean and then hopefully blog. I am doing the best I can but I have so much to fill you in on so I have to sit and start somewhere.

Ghost writer may be in the works.........LOL

2009-10-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

I promise when I get home today I am going to do what I can to update you on my life. I swear if one more person tells me to write a book I am going to search down a ghost writer and do it. My life is something like others have never seen. So much of it I am working on changing but I would never give up the past. Whether painful or not it made me who I am. And I am not all that uncomfortable w/ my less than perfect self. Life can be overwhelming, depressing, stressful and all those negative things. But the good times far outweigh the bad. Dance , laugh, live and love people. I know I will. Be back on after the sweatfest at the gym.

Wow has it really been that long????

2009-08-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe it has been this long since I have last logged on. Life has been amazingly crazy. Way too much to write at one time but I promise to get back on here and update anyone who actually still logs on here to see whats up.

I have lost some weight, just joined a weight loss challenge today. GO ME....... been to rehab and back only to find I truly don't want to quit drinking and / or it just isn't the right time. My son moved out.................long story and still too stressed to talk about it. The thought alone numbs my arm. Same job, no love life....................fundraising still. I will be back on after the cancer walk. I really need to stay focused on my fundraising efforts until then.

I am not embarrassed or ashamed to openly BEG for donations to my walk to raise both money and awareness for cancer research. The shame would be in doing nothing and expecting something. I made a committment 5 years ago to fight the good fight in honor and memory of those I have loved and lost to the horrible disease of CANCER.
Fighting Cancer is an ongoing fight and it takes millions of people to get out there and spread the word and raise the $$$ so that someday we may find a cure.
So please help spread the word for TEAM WALK FOR DEE. We will be walking at the UMASS WALK FOR A CURE on Sunday September 13, 2009 in Worcester, Ma.
Every dollar counts. Please do what you can.
http://www.firstgiving.com/gwendolynbultron3
Thank you in advance,
Gwen BultronTeam Leader - Walk for Dee

Hoping for a mini miracle during this economic crisis

2009-03-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

I have been actively fundraising for team WALK for DEE for over a month now. To date not one donation has been recieved nor any new walkers recruited. I am trying to remain positive but am feeling really down about the lack of support. Each year I push to make the team more successful but feel like I am the only one pushing. It is heart breaking really. When you put so much effort and heart into something that means so much to you and you just feel alone it SUCKS.

I know times are hard and most of us are in a financial slump but there is always a way if you have the will. Every dollar counts towards this important cause. Cancer awareness and research is VERY IMPORTANT. Millions of lives are lost as well as impacted by this horrible disease.

The Umass Medical Center's Walk to Cure Cancer has become more successful with each passing year. So much has been accomplished to date. Here are some amazing facts as listed on their website:

Since the Walk to Cure Cancer began on Labor Day in 1999, passionate teams of walkers, formed by unions and their members from across the state, businesses and community supporters, have been instrumental in helping the UMass Memorial Cancer Center flourish from an idea to reality. Each year, as they set off from the starting line, walkers witnessed a changing landscape on the campus of the University of Massachusetts Medical School: from a groundbreaking in 1999, to girders outlining a structure in 2000 and finally a gleaming ten-story research facility, completed in 2001.

Since the Walk to Cure Cancer began on Labor Day in 1999, passionate teams of walkers, formed by unions and their members from across the state, businesses and community supporters, have been instrumental in helping the UMass Memorial Cancer Center flourish from an idea to reality. Each year, as they set off from the starting line, walkers witnessed a changing landscape on the campus of the University of Massachusetts Medical School: from a groundbreaking in 1999, to girders outlining a structure in 2000 and finally a gleaming ten-story research facility, completed in 2001.

In the ten years since the Walk began, the UMass Memorial Cancer Center has made great strides in its efforts to find a cure for cancer and has achieved major breakthroughs in understanding and treating non-Hodgkins lymphoma, leukemia and prostate, breast, colon, pancreatic and stomach cancers.

I am hoping people will find it in their hearts and/ or wallets to walk as part of Team WALK FOR DEE or spread the link to others. Online donations are quick and easy. As well as tax deductible. Who couldn't use a tax deduction right? It is as easy as spreading the cause to everyone you know. Please pass the links on to your family and friends and help us raise amazing amounts of $$ towards this important cause.

http://www.firstgiving.com/gwendolynbultron3

Valentines Day ????????

2009-02-14T07:35:00.000-08:00

Valentines day is that day where the one you love is supposed to take an extra step to show you how much they love you. Why only one day a year? I never understood it. Isn't love something that should be shown 365 days a year? Why is it the one day where most men run around searching for some meaningless object to show a reflection of their effections. Do roses and candy mean love? I don't believe it does.

Valentines day was fun in grade school where you waited for that special boy to give you the tiny envelope asking you to be his. It was pure innocence and it was fun. Then as a teenager you wait for something special from your first love to show a sign that this is the one. He wants to be with you forever. Forever? Well back then you believe it means forever. Then as an adult you wait for your special someone to show up and bring you something of meaning. I guess it just changes as you do over the years.

I see Valentines day as a day of reflection. A time to reflect on your past, present and future loves. I think back to Dominic C in second grade. Every little girl waited for his card and I always got it. Cute huh? Then in high school when Justin said he loved me forever and would never leave. Huh? When did forever end so soon? Then as an adult I reflect at the latest versions of love and wonder why did I waste my time.

But believe me I am not bitter about Valentines Day. Good for those of you lucky ones who have found your true ONE and that everlasting love that little girls dream of.

I only feel bad for those who have settled down with the one we WANT to be that one. The one we HOPE will turn into that one. I myself would rather be alone than to be with someone I see as my only option. I would rather spend the day with my family and friends showing love. Shit I would rather spend a day reading books and watching movies by myself than to be in a clouded version of a relationship. A relationship with no future but only the hope that someday it will turn around.

Whatever, I just had to write this down. I had to share my thoughts. Happy Valentines Day to those of you who are with the right one. And for those of you in those shitty relationships I hope you can see through the rose colored glasses you are wearing and say to yourself " Next year I will be with THE ONE". Don't settle for someone rather than no one. Love yourself. Cook yourself a nice dinner. Shit buy yourself some flowers and treat yourself right.

Team Walk for Dee 2009

2009-02-12T15:27:00.001-08:00

Today kicked off our fifth annual team WALK FOR DEE fundraising effort.

Team Walk for Dee started walking back in September of 2005 in honor of Doreen Pepin Durling who lost her 11 year battle with Ovarian Cancer. To this day she is dearly loved and missed. Dee was an amazing mother, sister, daughter, friend, cousin and more. I started this team to keep her name and memory fresh.

Now team Walk for Dee also walks in memory of Ronnie Pepin and Maria Caraballo who also both fought and lost their battles with Brain Cancer. Also Barbara Spencer who is in remission with Lung Cancer and Robert Pepin who is continuing his fight with Brain Cancer. These are our family members but we also walk with the knowledge that many others have fought and continue to fight Cancer. Many others have been effected by this horrible disease. We raise money for all families who have been effected by Cancer and all the other families who might be in the future.

Please check out our fundraising page @ http://www.firstgiving.com/gwendolynbultron3

We believe every dollar counts and any and all contributions will be greatly appreciated. Please spread the word and the link in hopes of assisting us w/ our fundraising goals.

Its all working out

2009-02-10T04:05:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since I last updated and it could be a little while till I get back. I have been putting most of my focus on ME. I am living the ARE YOU READY lifestyle. I also joined the family's worship group on Monday nights. I am trying to be more open about where I am in life and seeing if I am ready for that change as well. I am not saying I am but I am pretty open to learning more. Not much more is going on. Just truly trying to focus on my weight loss journey and doing the worked that is involved in winning. I am online most days w/ my buddies on Mytrainerbob.com sharing stories and words of encouragement with them. It is a great support system and I love putting my energy and time into it. It is all working out and I am starting to really enjoy life..........

Upcoming life changes for 2009

2009-02-02T05:51:00.001-08:00

Some of you are wondering what has taken me so long to update this blog. And as much as I love blogging and sharing my life with everyone, I have come to realize that I have to take the time to focus on me. While focusing on me I mean reading, writing, journaling and making some much needed changes in my life. There are so many changes happening to me personally and so many more to come. I will be letting go of some parts of my past and present and replacing them with new healthier things. People , places and things that are no longer a positive force in my life will slowly be removed. I have to take the time to put myself in a much more peaceful and healthier place. Sounds crazy but I have been on a journey emotionally lately and am now seeing things through clear glass and not the foggy ones I have always worn.

The first and most important change of 2009 is my new " Are you ready" lifestyle change. Each day I am learning more about the reasons and the ways I have always eaten. Ways that got me to the weight that I am today. This is far from my biggest but still far from my goal. I am working at it one day at a time and one pound at a time. This is not a race to the goal it is a learning experience that leads to the ultimate goal of a healthier lifestyle. I know people such as myself are looking for quick and speedy results. But with reading and educating myself I have learned that slow and steady win the race. It is not healthy to lose excessive amounts of weight in a short time. It will come back and bring friends. I have also learned to accept my failures in the past and to move forward. I no longer lie to myself and say I am doing my best when I clearly am not. So at this point I am 15 lbs down for the month of January and looking forward to more weight loss in February. This is my year and I am ready. Hopefully you are supporting me in this journey and if your not I know it is of no fault of mine. I am in this for me and in it to win it. GO ME !!!

Not much has really been going on in my life besides focusing on my weight loss and lifestyle change goals. Life has been pretty mellow and calming besides the common battles such as the lack of $$$, lack of love and the lack of medical care. I am hoping 2009 will turn around so that those issues can be resolved.

The Kid: He managed yet again to bring home a report card with all B's. This has been an amazing year for him academically. Emotionally he still has a lot to work on but for him each day is a learning experience too.

Love Life: None to speak of. I don't think I really mind all that much because I have to take care of me before I can put in the effort to take care of someone else. Like any human there are times I want the human touch and companionship but not enough to cry about it.

Work: Same ole drama different day. Nothing ever changes there but I have fun with my friends. The busy season is on its way so I will soon be working full time again and be able to catch up on the bills that are piling up.

Friends: Their all cool I guess. Some of them love me and accept me most of the time but hate when I tell them how I feel. I am honest and sometimes my buffer comes off. So be it. If anyone is going to tell you the truth it is much better to come from a friend who loves you and wants the best from you. I've had to hear my fair share of shit too. Get over it and move on. I love you all to death even if I am a bit of a bitch. I get to have an opinion even if it differs from yours. Thats what makes us different people and the person that we are.

I am patiently waiting for my taxes to come back so I can plan my May 2009 trip to Cancun. Come Hell or high water I am going. I need a break. All of my friends say " Oh, I wish I could afford to go". Well guess what people you couldn't afford it the last ten years and you can't afford it this year. But if you wait for the $$$ to grow on trees so that you can RELAX and RECHARGE you will be dead. I have to live while I am alive. I need to leave reality for a few days and take ME time. The bills will be there when I leave and more when I return. It will happen, they will get paid and I will be on the Hot Ass Sandy beach in CANCUN............LMFAO

My dedication to my friend Jim........Oh Pally Pal

2009-01-21T16:42:00.000-08:00

I just wanted and needed to take a minute to give THANKS to my friend/ brother in law Jim. Jim is a great man who puts up with A LOT. To know Jim is to know his strength and tolerance for all kinds of shit. Or better yet things that smell of shit. He laughs most things off where most of us would pack up and wave goodbye. (see pic left).

But on a more serious note Jim has always been giving and kind to me. He always backs me up when I am getting bossed around and pushed against a wall. For that I am thankful. She is a handful I tell ya.

Jim has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. And if/ when there ever comes a time I can be there for him I will do it.

But I think all in all we understand each other. We share one thing in common besides the love of beer and wings. Danielle !!! And that is something no one person should have to handle alone.

Thanks Jim for being you and thanks for doing all you do. May there be many more laughs and beer and wings at Buff's. The good times will roll on forever.............Ok if you can stay with her that long. Just kidding.

Love ya Jim

Change it is a coming........

2009-01-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

Things are going so good lately that being the negaholic I am, I am just sitting here waiting for the ball to drop. I will take every good day for what it is and move forward hoping it stays this way.

I have lost 10 lbs so far as of 01.02.09 and am going full steam ahead. I am heading to Watertown for the weekend to be educated on calorie counting and working out. I am psyched that my sister bought me the Bob Harper " Are you ready?" book. I only hear great things about it and can't wait to start reading it.

Love Life: None and ok with that for now. I have other things to focus on and don't need the distraction.

Son: Doing great in both school and home.

Friends: All doing great and I love em all

Job: Slow and hours have been cut so there is basically no income coming in right now. Far from making ends meet but hoping things will turn around soon

I am super excited about Barack Obama and can't wait to watch him on Tuesday. I believe he is going to bring some much needed changes.

Off for now feel free to comment if you will.

Staying focused on the positive and good

2009-01-12T04:02:00.000-08:00

I have really been focused lately on a few things. I am overly focused on Bob Harper the physical trainer from Biggest Loser. He is so motivational and inspiring. I joined his online group as well as his new online blog. There is so much information available to keep you focused and rearing to go. You really should check his sites out and see if he can inspire you the way he has for many. Also he has a new book out called " Are you ready?" I hear it is very MOTIVATING. I can't wait to get my copy. I LOVE BOB...........

Here are a couple of his links:

MyTrainerBob.com

www.myspace.com/trainerbob

And thanks to my lovely niece Shanise I am now addicted to the Twilight book series. You really should pick them up it is not what you expect from a vampire series. I did not want to read it and she knew it so she got me the book for Christmas. Out of love for her I opened the first page and was instantly drawn in. It rocks so check it out

The diet is going really well. I have remained focused and strong. I am tempted daily since I have an extreme love of food. I also live in a house full of unhealthy foods that are visible and tempting. I work with food and have the habit of grabbing a fry or chicken tender without thinking. But this week I have been strong and focused on living a healthier lifestyle. One day at a time

Nothing New over here

2009-01-08T03:52:00.000-08:00

There is absolutely nothing going on over here. Work is slower than slow. I worked 7 hrs yesterday and we only had 10 tables. That is the worse I have ever seen it. I am glad I am a cook and not a waitress. At least I am making money right?

I did manage to lose 6 lbs this week on my first week of dieting. It is so hard to stay focused in a house full of tempting fatty foods. I went to the market and bought all greens , chicken and fish. I know how to cook flavorful foods that are low fat. However, my mother went to the market and bought so much junk food that it is hanging off the entertainment center. They say never to have these foods where you can see them , that way you won't be tempted. In this house it is all you can see. Wish me luck over here won' t ya? Love Life: None. I am not going looking this time. Let it find me if it was meant to be. I don't want to settle for the first man that comes along out of the wrong reasons. I want it to mean something more this time. I would rather be alone than be with a man simply because he is there. This blog is acting up today and refusing to let me space between the subjects. I will try again later

Oh my friends. How do you do what you do

2009-01-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

So here it is. I have spent some time recently with most of my FRIENDS. And I mean friends. The ones who stick by me despite my multiple mood swings. My absolute bitchiness and all the other crazy things that come with being my friend.

I am aware of my friendships and how different they are. I have come to appreciate each one for the uniqueness that they bring into my life. All of my friends are different yet somehow the same. You connect with people for different reasons. I have friends I cry to, ones I bitch to, ones I love to drink with and even some I like to sit and say nothing to. They are all the best friends you could ever ask for. And I APPRECIATE them all.

Kris, you have been around so long I don't even remember how long it has been. You are a freak to say the least. You were this innocent little thing when I first met you and WOW what a blooming maniac you have become. Those nights in Worcester chasing Derek were unforgettable. The love you have shown me and the brat is incredible. You are forever more than a friend. You are the one our mother had to give away because she knew it would be way too much putting up with both of us full time. You are the little sister I never had to kick around. You are almost as cool as me. And almost as nuts now. LMFAO It may be the fact that I set you up with my cousin and that you are now kneaded into my crazy family like a pretzel. SO SORRY............. I just couldn't do it alone. When I am with you my stomach hurts a lot. It could be the stomach wormy, the beers, the food or the laughs. I am not sure but either way I would not trade them in. You get me and that is NOT easy. Thanks

Barb, I can't really recall how many years you have been in my life but I do remember that days events. We laughed so hard one of us actually pissed. LMFAO and for how ever many years we have been friends we have had many a damp days. Your family is like an extended part of mine. I am glad you have shared them with me. We have gone through so much with our lives and we have been there for each other through it all. Someday the days will be easy again where we can just relax and have no worries. Someday just not today. You get me too but you don't give into me as easily as you know who. You don't give into my demands and whining ways. I sure wish you did. Thank you for always being there and thanks for not letting me lay in bed on those days I really really wanted to. You have picked me up so many times and for that I THANK YOU

Chrissy, oh Chrissy. What a wonderful friend you have been. This man has his own wife (see Barb) and somehow he has been stuck with me. He listens to me cry, laugh, babble, slur and all the other great things I do. He never shuts me off however he does have to put me in my place from time to time. You always need a friend to refocus your way of thinking. I love those days on the porch listening to the same songs over and over. Listening to them each time like it was the first. May God Bless you for putting up with me all these years. Thank God you have all those muscles as they have kept you strong when other men would have crumbled and become weak after listening to my mouth. Thank you for everything. You are the best

Amy, you were the unexpected friend I didn't see coming. You are so raw and honest. You have been since the first day I met you and you threw your whole life story at me. To know you is to love you and that is a fact my friend. You are the WORST peace builder I have ever seen though. You are one of the strongest people I know. When most people would fallen on their knees and asked "WHY ME?" you just push ahead and try to see the positive side. You deserve happiness and if I could buy it for you I would. Stay strong and things will come your way. You are my ANA NICOLE and I am always here for you no matter what. Our times together are full of laughing and dancing and sometimes the well needed tears. I didn't ask for you or expect you but I am KEEPING you no matter what. Thanks for being my friend

Danielle, my sister, my bud, my pal. I have loved you for almost 37 years. It wasn't until recently that I truly understood what you meant to me. I always knew you were my sister and you had no choice. But now you are my FRIEND. We have shared so many good and bad memories together. Shit we have the same F$cked up childhood that we are recovering from. But as grown ups we have become closer and I cherish our time together. You make me laugh so hard its almost like you are forcing your workouts on me. I actually gain a stomach muscle or two when I am around you. There have been so many nights that I am out having a blast that I think "man, I wish Danielle was here". You are an inspiration to many and especially me. I love you beyond words. Thanks for being my sister and especially my friend. Your the best pally pal and bud a sister could ask for.

And believe me I have many more friends that are there for me and mean the world to me. However these people are TOPS for me. I love all of my friends and it takes a true HERO to be my friend. Not one of you is forgotten. You know who you are.

Happy New Year.....2009 has arrived

2009-01-02T05:35:00.001-08:00

It has been some time now that I have been able to sit down and relax in a calm and quiet environment. The holidays are always hectic around here and as I have written before STRESSFUL. I am grateful that they are over and I am excited about starting a new year.

Here are some of the things I resolve to do in 2009:

1. Live a healthier lifestyle. I will start by not eating fried foods or sweets. I don't want to say the word diet because we all know how that word somehow always bites us in the ass. I also don't want to exclude too many things from my diet so that I feel overwhelmed and defeated. I will attempt to start a workout routine again. One that does not put any extra added pressure on the bed leg. One day at a time is how I am looking at this goal.

2. I am going to start prioritizing the people in my life. I look back and I see some of the relationships I have been in and realized that I have made some people a priority without them earning that right. I have put others aside that deserved to be noticed and loved by me. I will no longer make the calls, the drive or anything else that takes time away from others. I resolve to acknowledge those in my life that have treated me right, helped me in my times of need. I resolve to spend the time to pen a letter or email to show my appreciation. I resolve to make the time to spend it with the people in my life that should matter the most to me. I value my friendships and relationships but have not always put them in the right order. This is something I must change.

3. I will also try to use positive thinking in those times of self pity. I will try to remove my habitual negative thinking. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of sitting back and waiting for the world to give me what I think I deserve I will put in the effort to get what I want, need and deserve. There are worse things in the world that are going on then the things in my life. There is always a way to change a negative to a positive. I will make this another priority.

4. I will continue to raise money and awareness. I will make The Walk for a Cure a top priority this year. Team WALK FOR DEE will be in full force and things will be changing this year. It is time to be assertive and get the word out there. I have been doing this for four years but have allowed myself to feel defeated. This year I will find new ways to encourage others to join me in this very important fight. Every day , every dollar makes a difference.

5. And last but not least. I resolve to find a HEALTHY relationship. A relationship that has future. A relationship that is not surrounded by drama and heartache. I want the kind of relationship where I am happy when he is around and even when he is not. I want a trusting relationship. I want one with someone who loves to hear my laughter and one who draws that out of me. I will not SETTLE. I will not let a man be my only option. I can't wait to find him.

So there you have it. They are little changes but I resolve to do what I can to keep them going. Small steps can lead to great things. What have you resolved to do in 2009?

Time flies by when your overwhelmed

2008-12-23T03:31:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I have gotten a chance to actually sit down, think and write. The holiday season always overwhelms me and consumes my thought process. I will try to sit down later tonight and fill you in. But tonight I finally get to decorate the tree, bake and clean. So we shall see.

Talk to you soon

A new way to reflect on our lives..........love this concept

2008-12-18T03:41:00.000-08:00

My friend came to work the other day and was telling us all about a book she heard about on TV. A book where famous people use six words to reflect on their lives. I looked this book up online and found it very interesting.

Not Quite What I was planning is a simple book of words that reflect on how others see their lives and much more. You should check it out.

Here are some quotes from the book that I found interesting:

" Almost a victim of my family" Chuck Sangster

" Nobody cared, then they did. Why? " Chuck Klosterman

" Extremely responsible, secretly longed for spontaneity. " Sabra Jennings

The girls and I then came up with basically the same concept. We each wrote six words on a piece of paper that reflected something about our lives. Something we would have done, should have done or something that makes us happy. We each hold these in our pockets and look at them in times of doubt. We can except the things we wrote on the paper or we can change them when possible. Sometimes we lose sight of what is important and this is a constant reminder. You should really check this book out as there are alot of great six word sayings that say alot about the person.

I will share mine with you:

" I could have suffered from Cancer"

" I would have chosen love differently"

One life, six words. What are yours? Share if you will.

Ok, I am about to surrender. HELP

2008-12-18T03:31:00.000-08:00

Ok I am sitting here fighting the urge to surrender to the holiday pressure. I try to keep in the back of my mind that I am not alone but it just isn't making it any better.

There is a week till Christmas and all the pretending I have done to get in the spirit just isn't cutting it. I am broke. I am tired. I am stressed.

I read an article in my local newspaper where a man drove to a grocery store parking lot and took a gun and ended his life. They say he was recently unemployed and had a breakup. They also said that the influx of suicide attempt calls has greatly increased. This is sad I tell ya. But believe me I am far from even the thought of attempting suicide. I just think it is so sad that people are that stressed out. People struggling and giving up. I understand their stress and feel bad for their families. Times are tough. But I have to believe they will get better.

I try everyday when I get up to think of positive things and happy thoughts. Think of things that bring a smile to my face. But some mornings it just isn't that easy. But if you do look around, listen to other peoples stories and read the news you will see people have it much worse. I will keep pushing my thought process through the negative moments. I have to. I will get through this.

On a more positive note, I traveled to Connecticut with my sister yesterday to watch my neice play in a basketball tournament at Loomis Chaffee. They lost but it was still exciting to watch her play the game she loves so much. That brings a smile to my face :)

I received a nice positive email last night from my sons school saying how well he is doing and how impressed they are. I am always happy when I open an email from them and it is filled with positive words and not those oh so negative words that I am used to. That is looking up. He may finally be getting it together.

Well I am off to work. I have one other post that I will be posting but want it to be seperate. If anyone has something to share let me know.

I hope everyone else is doing ok and getting through the tough times.

I am clearly not alone

2008-12-10T04:54:00.000-08:00

I would like to sit in a dark room and feel bad for myself. Feel bad that my hours at work have been cut. Feel bad that I struggle to pay the bills. Feel bad that this economy SUCKS. But it is very hard to feel bad for myself when so many others struggle.

I received calls and emails from my friends yesterday who were so stressed out that they needed to vent. Bill collectors calling, being taken to court for credit card debt, bounced checks and just the overall lack of $$$.

It is amazing how many people want money from you and they want it QUICK. It feels as if the bill companies are the only ones who are blind to the fact that this country is in a fucking financial crisis. Give it time you assholes. We are working on it. We will get you your money when we have it. Don't ask for $100 on Friday when we don't know if we'll have it. We will call or send it when it arrives in the bank.

People are trying to pay the mortgage, rent, heat, electricity and most of all trying to feed their kids. Fuck the million dollar bailout for corporate America. Think about the little guys like us. Enough is enough.

Ok, I feel better now. LOL. But like I said I am NOT alone. We will get through this but it will take time. Share your stress and then open the window and let it out. There is only so much we can do right?

What Christmas has come to mean to me.......

2008-12-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

I remember way back when , back to the times when Christmas had a meaning and it was full of laughter and fun. Ok, so maybe I was only a child who still believed in Santa Claus. Young enough to have imagined him not sliding down the chimney since we lived in a three decker in the city. But him using the magic key that my mother hung on the front door. I used to wait up and attempt to keep my eyes open until he arrived. I never did catch him. I remember all of the extended family going to my grandparents and just simply enjoying our time together. Laughing, Singing and exchanging gifts. People were poor back then and the gifts weren't extravagant. But the gifts were either bought or made with you in mind. Gifts given out of love. Oh how simple those times were. I remember having my first job as a teenager and the pure joy of being able to go out and buy gifts for others. Nobody expected them or demanded them. They were simple happy to receive something out of love and consideration. Then the days when my son was young. He loved Christmas the same way I did. Wide eyed and ready to go first thing in the morning. It was fun to buy for him back then. Thomas the Tank Engine , Barney and all the other great things he loved. They were cheap. I could afford them. He loved them.

Christmas to me this year and for a few years past have become demanding, stressful and highly overrated. The meaning of Christmas is highly distorted now a days. Most people are struggling to get by but are forced to steal from Peter to pay Paul only to borrow from Mary to buy gifts. Children are trying to keep up with their friends and now want high priced video systems, cell phones and other electronic devices. Then they get them and you don't see that light around them, any joy in their eyes. It has become about the price tag of things and keeping up with the Jone's. I would prefer handmade gifts if any. No gifts are fine too. (*EXCEPT FOR YOU KRISTEN). I know times are hard and people are struggling to feed their families and pay the bills. People are trying to keep afloat during this economic crisis. I GET IT.... I am right there with you ...........LOL

So Christmas 2008 has become exactly this for me. Stressful and overwhelming. I have decorated the house in the effort to find the Christmas spirit that I have lost. I have played the music and even hummed a tune. But it is a struggle to pretend I am excited about finding $$$ to buy gifts for people. Not because in most cases I have to. But I want to. I am a giver. I love to buy gifts for the important people in my life. I buy gifts with meaning and people know I have put the thought and effort into getting them something that means something. But this year I am handing out:

Gift wrapped boxes full of stress, debt, panic, anxiety and frustration. I am giving them with love and a sense of hope. I hope if I can pass them on and then you pass them on none of us will have to hold on to them long enough to let them bother us. These are gifts worth re gifting. At some point once a gift has been re gifted too many times it gets thrown away. So these are my gifts to you. Sorry to have to share them with you. Fill them up with your matching gifts and pass them on. Lets hope UPS loses these boxes and 2009 brings a fresh start.

So much has happened

2008-12-05T16:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here I go. I will start with the ex I guess. So he called and he texted. Why?? I may never know. I am just going with the theory that he is a lying , cheating , manipulative ASSHOLE. That is what seems to fit him best. So he contacts me and then to no surprise so doesn't his GIRLFRIEND/WIFE. Yes, yet again he is still with Cindy but trying to manipulate me into believing he isn't. So she texts me and figures out that he has been contacting me. She then decides to call me and explain how she pays his cell bill and could see that he had been contacting me. She confronted him and he threw the phone at her saying whatever. So him. I tell her that NO I had not contacted him first but she already knows that. She already knows about me too. This is not the first conversation I have had with this woman. I called her the last time and filled her in on everything. And she choses to stay with him. I told her that she can have him and that he can lose my number for all I care. She says she doesn't want him but is STILL with him. Some people are desperate and that is all too sad. I just hope that this saga of MIKE SCLAMO is over. They can have each other and live unhappily ever after. But leave me out of it. PLEASE

Now lets talk about Thanksgiving. I am so over family holidays. I am sure if you have a some what normal family it is fun and all that other shit. But when you have a family such as mine it is nothing but drama and stress. My sister came from NH with her three kids. Teenagers who have NO discipline and NO respect. They broke our couch from running on it, deleted my ENTIRE playlist on the computer, one of the boys stole from Guitar Center and bragged about it. The list could go on and on but it hurts my chest still to talk about it. The worse part is my sister says " Too bad, Suck it up". Guess what YOU SUCK IT UP. I raised my son. He wasn't always good but I disciplined him and attempted to correct his behaviors. I did the work, the doctors appointment, the therapist and all the other things that needed to be done to keep him straight. Don't just sit back and let your kids dominate you and control you. And most of all teach them to respect others. If they act up at home thats one thing but they should at least have enough respect to act correctly when they are visiting others. WHAT the FUCK?? Oh yeah one of the boys had the nerve to pull his leg back and kick my mother. Are you kidding me??? You go suck it up and take your kids home where they can break your shit and disrespect you. We don't need it here we have enough to deal with. And she had the nerve to tell my mother she had been holding her tounge. Hold your tongue and hold the gas peddle down as you drive out of state.

Work is sucky right now. Because of the financial crisis that this country is in people simply can't afford to eat out and waste the money. Therefore my hours have been cut right before Christmas. I barely make enough to get by week to week and now they cut my hours. What a fun Christmas this is going to be.

Things could be worse I get. I have gotten through worse. I am a survivor right?

OH so much to fill you in on

2008-12-02T02:58:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was eventful here to say the least. I had to take a few days to recover from all that happened over the break. I will be back on after work to write it all out. The ex, his ex, my sister , her kids and the whole mess of it all when I return. LOL

WOW!!! Amazing. Just when I needed it

2008-11-26T03:01:00.000-08:00

Any of you who know me know my love for music and lyrics. Just as I was feeling weak and broken again I heard this song. I have copied the lyrics for you to share with me. I am amazed everyday with music.

Sara Bareilles Gravity lyrics

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. I live here on my knees as

I Try to make you see that you're Everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I Can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me downYou're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeahYou're onto me, onto me and all overSomething always brings me back to youIt never takes too long

Whatever Wednesday

2008-11-26T02:39:00.000-08:00

Well here I am again. Sorry about the burp there I was having a mini meltdown and needed a moment to pull it back together.

The weekend in Watertown was a blast to say the least. However my son got into the camera and deleted the pictures again. The things he does amaze me always. But anyway we went to Buff's Pub in Newton on Friday and had drinks with Danielle's client Sarah. She was unexpected but fun to be around. It is always interesting to meet new people and hear their stories. Annie the waitress is always pleasant and finds a way to get me some tequila. Love that girl Annie. LOL
Saturday Danielle and I drove down to Tabor Academy in Marion, Ma. to watch my niece scrimmage agains the Navy Prep. It was great to finally see her throwing the ball. It has been a while since I have been able to watch her play the game she loves so much. Tabor was so beautiful. It is Cape style buildings on the water and boasts of all the amenities a teen cool ask for. Shanise always been Shanise informs me that there are pot smoking whores there. LMFAO. She is funny I tell ya. Then at night we all sat around and had some buffalo dip and watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was a quiet night but still fun. Sunday Shanise and I drove into Cambridge and did some grocery shopping. I made them all some spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. When Danielle came upstairs from the gym she was savoring the smell since that is not a normal thing around there. Baked Chicken yes, Pasta no. Pasta Bad. LOL We all loved it and sat around and watch the Patriots blow away the Dolphins and then we watched the AMA's. I am sure I missed some excitement along the way but it was fun and I extended my vacation an extra day and came home Monday morning.

Work sucks right now. There are people there that can't mind their own business and do their jobs so the rest of us now have to suffer. It is like being in grade school and I am so done with that. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and just say "shut the fuck up and cut some fucking vegetables you methodone using BITCH". Ooops see I had to type it since I can't just go around screaming that in work. But really for 20 yrs I have worked there and it has never been so tense. People are starting to melt down and I will soon be forced back into a cubicle world to avoid it.

The ex texted me on Sunday and then called only to say he HONESTLY missed me. Honesty is a word that is completely foreign to him so I don't even know who taught him that so that he could use it. We had this BULLSHIT conversation about he was sorry and he had untied issues and they were resolved now. Well needless to say he hasn't texted or called again. I was in a Dither as I like to call it. I was back in bed feeling like I was suffocating and all that other shit that comes along w/ being involved with him. I was questioning God on why he would keep bringing him back into my life and testing me. I don't want to be tested. He is my weakness. He is my temptation. But above all he is my ILLNESS. He is the disease that I fight so hard to find a cure for. And everytime I am feeling better and moving on he appears. WHY?

Well I am off to work for the WHOLE day. This will not be fun but I have to do it so I can buy some presents and pretend that Santa is real and all that fun shit. Talk to you soon

Back to reality Tuesday

2008-11-25T02:05:00.000-08:00

Hello all, I am back to reality here in Sturbridge. I had a blast this weekend but it tired me out so I had to rest yesterday. I am off to work and will repost when I get home. Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend as well

OMG Thank the Heavens the weekend is almost here

2008-11-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

AAArrrghh!!! I have had a hell of a week over here. They fired one person I have worked with for 20 yrs for pushing my friend at work. Then my other friend Mike decided to have a fucking melt down at work and walk out. WTF??? There must be too much oil in the air at work clogging more than arteries. Brains are being fried like eggs in that place.

This family of mine is driving me over the edge. DEMANDING I tell ya. They are like breast feeding triplets. They all need something at all times. Not a one of them is able to pick up a sock let alone anything else. I am putting the pedal to the metal tomorrow and heading to Watertown to spend the weekend w/ my sister Danielle and her husband Jim. They better have some beers chilling when I get there. I need them.

My teeth are clenched and my heart is racing. I need to sit and relax. HELP.... LOL

Wow how time flies even when your not having all that much fun

2008-11-18T16:02:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has almost been 10 days since I last updated my blog. The days have just seem to run on and on and on. Lots of work with minimal play. Which is so not my way of living. I guess every once in a while I have to be the grown up and work. Its just working 50 hours a week might just be too much for a fun loving girl such as myself. LOL

It is with great joy and amazement that I write that my son's first quarter report card came home with all B's and awesome comments. They acknowledge the great improvements he has made academically in the last few months. It is a complete turn around from last year when he refused to even open a book and attempt to appear interested. I am proud of him and am happy he is making strides towards doing better. He even applied for his first job yesterday. Hopefully he gets it as it will keep him busy and off the streets. Cross your fingers.

LOVE LIFE: Blah Blah Blah. It is on these cold lonely nights that I miss the ex. The one who hurt me twice. He wasn't good for much as I have come to find out but he was good in the sense of snuggling up with him and talking. Even if it was all BULLSHIT. At least he was a body but I am not saying I want him back. I just want that feeling of having someone there for me. But the next time the time and words we share will have actual meaning. I have to at least hope for that. I am not really out there looking I guess so I don't know what I can expect. I guess I would like that fairy tale lover to appear. The one on the white horse who will wash away all the bad memories from the past. The man who you dream about as a little girl. Oh man, it sucks when you grow up and all the smokey dreams are battered away by BAD BAD men. LMFAO Until then I will do what I do and wait. All good things come to those who wait right?

I had a really fun weekend this past weekend considering it was nothing that was planned. I slept at my cousin Jesse and his new wife Tennaile's house. They are always a blast and worth the drive over. We just laughed all night and then again in the morning. I decided at the last minute to sleep over Kristen and Jay's on Saturday night and it proved to be worth it. Kris and I hooked up with Cindy Lou and just sat around her apartment having beers, sharing stories, dancing and practicing some old cheerleader moves. Needless to say the belly hurt from laughing and the knee hurt from the attempt at doing the splits but it was so fun. Those are some of the best nights of my life. Unscripted and unplanned. Just flying freely and enjoying my life.

Just another day

2008-11-09T03:59:00.001-08:00

Today is just another day of days that seem to just run into each other without much happening in between. I have to work 10 days straight and over 100 hrs before I can get a day off. And I am looking forward to it since I get next weekend off.

I had been talking to this guy friend of mine for awhile online and I thought the conversations were going well and that we had a lot to talk about. Then BAM it stopped. I was a little confused about the whole thing but I don't have the energy to over think it and pursue it any further. Just really confused by men yet again. Why ruin a good thing? It was just simple conversation. Did he get scared as if I wanted a wedding ring after two weeks of typing? Come on I am not even the type. Whatever men are just too much sometimes.

My knee is finally getting to the stage of walking without limping and pain. I am going to try to start walking again if only a few miles a day and try to work back up to 5. I need to get myself back on track over here.

The kid is good, home is good and the friends are good. How much more can a girl ask for. One day at a time right?

Start to a great day

2008-11-05T03:08:00.001-08:00

I stayed up way past my bedtime last night to watch history in the making. I stayed up till a whopping 10 p.m. Go me !! It was so worth it. It is amazing the number of people who voted and also the number of people who made the right decision. Go AMERICA... LOL This is the start of a bright future.

And I am also thrilled because my sister was OBSESSED and was running around in a Barack shirt for days. Not sleeping and was glued to the tv and internet. This would have been a devestating upset to the poor girl. LOL And she had me going too.

Well, I am off to work for a nice 11 hr day. Talk to you all soon.

Share your thoughts on this election if you will

Make your opinion count even if it's not the same as mine !!!

2008-11-04T03:20:00.000-08:00

Today is the big day. Voting Day !!! Get out there and make a difference. Make your voice and opinion count. If you don't vote you can't complain. And I love to complain so I will be out there trying to make a difference. We don't all have to share the same opinions and beliefs. We just have to believe in the ones we have. Things will not change and shall forever be the same if we don't get out there and do what we have the right to do. VOTE !!!

Go online and find a voting location in your area and just do it:

http://www.voteforchange.com/

If you haven't had the time to read and follow either of the candidates here are some quick notes to keep in mind. Don't forget you have all day to vote so read up and get out there.

Economy

Obama's Stance on the Economy
Barack Obama has offered a detailed plan to get America’s economy back on track, by creating new jobs and easing the burden on hardworking Americans by offering middle-class tax cuts three times the size of McCain’s.

McCain's Stance on the Economy
John McCain’s economic policy is the same as George Bush’s. It ignores middle class Americans, giving $200 billion in tax cuts to corporations, including $4 billion in tax breaks to Big Oil, while leaving over 100 million middle-class Americans with no relief. Economists say McCain’s plan will add $3.4 trillion to the national debt.

Education

Obama's Stance on Education
Barack Obama puts children first by investing in early childhood education, making sure our schools are adequately funded and led by high-quality teachers, and reforming No Child Left Behind.

McCain's Stance on Education
John McCain supported George Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans instead of much-needed funding for our students, teachers, and failing local classrooms.

Energy & Environment

Obama's Stance on Energy
Barack Obama will invest in alternative fuels and renewable energy, including a plan to increase America’s energy efficiency and create 5 million new “green” jobs.

McCain's Stance on Energy
John McCain has repeatedly opposed renewable and alternative energy proposals, has promised oil companies a new $4 billion tax break and hired a number of powerful oil lobbyists to run his campaign.

Ethics

Obama's Stance on Ethics
Barack Obama has been a leader on government transparency – refusing to take donations from lobbyists or PACs, improving disclosure and creating a database where the public can track federal contracts and earmarks.

McCain's Stance on Ethics
John McCain has no less than 177 lobbyists working on his campaign, including many of his top advisors. McCain’s own campaign manager continued to receive money from Freddie Mac until August 2008.

Foreign Policy

Obama's Stance on Foreign Policy
Barack Obama will continue the long American tradition of smart diplomacy to keep the country safe while improving America’s standing in the world.

McCain's Stance on Foreign Policy
John McCain will carry on George Bush’s policy of unilateral action that puts American troops in harm’s way without exhausting diplomatic options.

Health Care

Obama's Stance on Health Care
Barack Obama’s health care plan will provide accessible, affordable coverage for all, and it will reduce health care costs for families.

McCain's Stance on Health Care
John McCain’s health plan would tax health benefits for the first time ever — imposing a trillion tax increase on working families and leaving millions without heath care.

Homeland Security

Obama's Stance on Homeland Security
Barack Obama supports increased security measures for our airports, ports, and land borders, part of a national plan to protect American’s infrastructure and keep our communities safe.

McCain's Stance on Homeland Security
John McCain opposed increased screening of cargo entering the United States and opposed increased security for airport, port and boarder security.

Iraq

Obama's Stance on Iraq
Barack Obama will work with his military commanders to responsibly end the war in Iraq. Obama will refocus our resources on al Qaeda in Afghanistan and finish the fight with the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11.

McCain's Stance on Iraq
John McCain has no plan to end the war in Iraq, and would keep spending $10 billion a month in Iraq while the Iraqi government sits on a huge surplus. McCain calls Iraq "the central front of the war on terror" even though Osama bin Laden and the al Qaeda terrorists who attacked us are getting stronger in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

It is what it is right?

2008-11-03T05:46:00.000-08:00

Today I am in a mood. Not a good mood but not a bad mood. Simply a mood. Most women would understand that mood I think. Its simply one of those moods where your mind is overwhelmed with thoughts but you really are too tired to even attempt to process them all. A BLAH kind of mood really, kinda , sorta.................

I never really thought I hated the winters here in New England but I find myself getting more miserable with each passing COLD ASS day. I just don't think I was ready for this weather. I am not ready to run outside at 5:30 in the morning to start my car and then run back into the house to remove the icicles from my freshly washed locks of wild curls. Where did the sun go? What do I have to do to get back to Cancun where the weather was hold and the beers were cold? I just don't think I am ready for this. Are you?

LOVE LIFE: I have this aching feeling that I am in need of a relationship. I am feeling like it is time for that type of relationship where I am spending my free time with someone who is worthy of my laughter, personality and all that I have to offer. But am I willing to settle? NO, I am not. I have done it in the past and would rather walk the road alone then be with someone who doesn't want to put in the effort that it takes to have a meaningful relationship. Sex is great but don't we really want more out of it? I know I do. Only time can tell though. Pickings are slim around these parts.

DIET: Argghh!!!! It is so hard to lose weight when you are partially disabled. I can't walk so that pretty much cuts out excersize that burns the calories that I need to lose weight. I am still cutting down on my intake but NOTHING is happening. BULLSHIT I tell ya. LOL

Halloween was a lot of fun. I actually gave out candy this year which is something I never am home to do. I got out of work early grabbed some candy and waited for the kids to arrive. Our driveway is kind of long for the little guys so there weren't too many trick or treaters. The ones that came were cute and reminded me of what fun it was to dress up and join in when I was little. Then I got dressed up as a PINK LADY from Grease as I was too cheap to go buy a costume and had this one on hand. I went to Barb and Chrissy's and joined in on some adult fun. A few of the neighbors came and then some of their friends. It was more of a get together than a party but to me it was just right. The right crowd , the right music, the right drinks and the right fire. What more could a girl ask for then a fun night with friends? Ok, maybe I could think of a couple of things.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T06:07:00.001-07:00

It is Halloween and I am excited. Yes, this is one of the holidays that I miss being a child and having one that liked to dress up and do all the fun things that go along w/ this holiday. I can remember dunking for apples until my face froze only never to get an apple. And playing the donut game and NEVER winning. It wasn't about winning it about the laughs and adventure of it all. Man I wish I was a kid. But tonight I will be at my friends enjoying Halloween the way adults do. No donut games, no apples and no candy. But drinks, laughs, music and Yipee we will be in costume. So I guess it will still be fun just different from the days of going door to door and getting treats. I am sure I will have something to share tomorrow and there will be pics too. I know people love the pictures. LOL

No extra words needed for todays thoughts......It appears it is time for that special something I have been waiting for

2008-10-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

Bum Knee

2008-10-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

Well the wedding was beautiful and fun. Tenaille looked amazing in her dress and Jesse was so hansome. They truly looked happy. There was lots of laughs and lots of dancing to be had. Just no dancing from me. The bum knee finally had all it could take and blew out on the way up the stairs. It is no laughing matter my friends. Just glad I was able to be there to share their special day. Everyone had a good time and it was just as amazing as I had imagined.

Diet: So so nothing too amazing going on since I am in amazing amounts of pain and cant move all that much. Was on bed rest for days so no where for the food to move around. Oh well I will just keep trying.

Love Life: Still none

Son: Went to court today and with all the good reports from school and the work he has been producing towards anger management and community service he got yet another get out of jail free card. He is doing better so lets just hope he stays on track.

I have a doctors appointment today at 1 so I hope we can get some help with the knee. I have to suffer enough to finally get my room clean.

Talk to you all soon

So looking forward to today

2008-10-25T03:25:00.000-07:00

The day has come and I am so ready to help Jesse and Tenaille celebrate their wedding day. I recieved a video voicemail from Tenaille the other day and I just laughed so hard. She knows this is going to be the best day ever ever. It was of me holding the microphone at their Jack and Jill party with music behind it blasting. Then there was her asking ME if I was ready for this wedding. She kills me. It is her big day and she wants to know if I am ready? I am always ready for a party and a time to relax and just have a good time. And today is the day my friends. I can't wait to show you the pics.

Diet: Didn't weigh in this week because I was bloated as usual. And most of all EMOTIONAL so I simply didn't want to get on the scale and be told if I lost or gained weight. According to my scale I didn't but just in case this was not the week for any kind of extra added stress.

Love Life: Still NOTHING. LOL I really don't give a shit

Work: Didn't work too much this week so next weeks check will suck but I need a break from time to time. Now I have a self prescribed 4 day weekend. I need it really I do. LOL

Off to get ready to get my nails done w/ my mother and then lots of things to get myself all pretty for the wedding.

Talk to you all soon

OMG!!! Can I get a break?

2008-10-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

Lets start by saying my lovely co-workers have given me the mighty cold that sucks the life right from under you. I can deal with almost anything but a runny nose drives me over the deep end. But like always I will survive.

Ok, so the kid situation has gone from bad to worse. I didn't hear back from his probation officer in regards to the upcoming 7 to 10 day juvy stay. She said I would recieve a letter in the mail and that never came so I just assumed it wasn't taking place. He has been doing excellent in shcool, doing his community service at school by painting and doing landscaping. And he started his anger management course. Well, just when you think you are getting a break. WRONG. When I got out of the the kids appointment with the judge was at 8:30. WTF??? So I call her back and she tells me that she gave my mother the court papers the day she brought my son into the meeting. Well my mother says she does not recall any paperwork. Does this help??? NO. The probation officer tells me she will see what the judge says but that they can pick him up at school for not showing up in court. I mean FUCK, I am sick, stressed and I have PMS. Now I have to go to work with all this on my shoulders? Just to let you know it was not a pretty day for those around me at work. I cried like a maniac. The lady finally called me back in the afternoon and we have another date this coming Monday. She said that if he stays on the right track she will not recommend the lock up. God help me on Monday if they take him. I could possibly have a fucking breakdown better than Mariah Carey. We shall see.

Diet: Until this point not so bad/ not so good. I finally got a compression thing for my knee and am hoping that will work a little bit so I can start walking again. However, the above situation and my emotional eating disorder caused me to binge a time or two. Not too happy with myself. This is the same habit I fall into over and over again. SHIT

Love Life: Still nothing and ok with it

The big plans for the weekend are my cousin Jesse's wedding. He is the coolest dude ever and I love his fiance. I spend a lot of Friday nights over there with them and can't wait to share their day with them. This is going to be one of those weddings where you know your feet are going to hurt from dancing, your stomach from laughing and your head from the shots of Tequila. I so can't wait. Pics to follow

Off for now be good, be safe but most of all be you!!!

Good friends = good times

2008-10-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

Last night was so much fun. SO much better than sitting in the dark dirty bar in the next town. I am glad I went and happy that other people decided to join in the fun. Amy, Steve, Priscilla, Deveron, Kristie and her friend came. When I got to Kristen's we persuaded the house full of teens to join in too. So Jess, Michelle, Michelle, Serena and her friend and my boy Jonny Biffle came. So it cost us $100 dollars to hang with the teens. It was worth the laughs. We had so much fun. We were by far the loudest bunch of screaming people in the place. The hay ride was hysterical and proved to be worth the money. Some of us brave ones even opted to take the spook walk too. We laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves. I love those teens. I only wish my kid would have come with us but its just not his thing. He used to love doing these things. OH well his loss right. I loved it

Finally Friday

2008-10-17T04:45:00.000-07:00

I am SOOOOO happy it is Friday. That means I get tomorrow off and it is so needed. I did 33 hrs in three days and I am wiped.

I finally got to spend some much needed time with my friends Chrissy and Barb last night. It was like old times laughing and singing and all the good stuff. I miss those guys. We have plans to go to the big Harvestfest in town tomorrow too so that should be fun.

The son had me up at 330 a.m picking him up at his girlfriends. I was NOT happy. I drive all the way there and he didn't pick up his phone or come out so I drove all the way home in hysterics. I was tired and simply overwhelmed by how this kid acts. I get all the way home and he calls to say he fell asleep. So I go ALL the way back and get him. Some might say " F#ck that I would have left him". I say "F#ck him, he's still getting up and going to school". And so yes, after 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep I got out of bed and got him up. If I have to suffer he does too. So off he went. Too bad

Tonight Kristen, Amy, Steve, Priscilla and I are going to a spooky hay ride. Some think it is boring and want to go out to the normal dive bar. Well go on. I am so over the dark dingy bar where there are more freaks than the haunted hay ride. Stay at the bar and stay in your normal stale enviroment. I think the hay ride is going to be fun and different and I have been looking forward to it. Sometimes it is fun to be a kid again and do the things that bring back childhood memories. I can't wait.

I went to the WW weigh in last night and lost another 2.8 lbs for a total of 8.8. Slow steady steps will win the race right? I was happy with that weigh loss. The slower you lose it the better chance of it staying off. Or so I have heard. I am going to try to get to the doctors so I can get an x-ray of the knee. The pain has been so bad I wake up at night. So working out on it simply is not an option.

Well I am off for now. Make a difference today. Do something new. Most of all live the life you were given. Push past the everyday stress and live.

Ooops just haven't had the time

2008-10-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

Times have been busy over here. Barely finding time to do much. I have had to work overtime both last week and this week because there is a string of illness going around work and I am the lucky one (or so they say) that hasn't gotten sick. I question this. I am now the only one overtired and overworked. But the money will be a blessing because I seem to always be broke.

The kid was really doing good there for a while. And by a while I mean for a week. But with a tough kid like him it is a one day at a time kind of world. There was the days where he just wasn't coming home or coming home at 1 in the morning. I was scared and worried and that just didn't seem to matter to him. He is simply one of those teenagers that will rebel because he can. The only thing is he doesn't realize that I am trying to save him from not only the other dangers out there in the world but most of all I am trying to save him from himself. He can't understand or doesn't want to understand that this world just isn't as easy as it looks to him. Well come to find out he has a girlfriend and that is why he hasn't been coming home or is out all night. Ok doesn't sound that bad if you know my son and the things he has done in the past. PROBLEM IS: 1. She is 19 and 2. she has a baby. Now we are talking about my kid who can't get himself up in the morning or pick up his socks. What would she want with him? I guess I just don't get it. But people say WHY? why would you let him do this. Because I DON"T RULE THE WORLD. Believe me I do what I can but I can't do it all. If the world went the way I wanted it would be peaceful and everyone would be disease free and there would be enough money to go around so we could all spend our free time in the mall. But sorry to say I don't rule the world as hard as I might try.

The diet is going well I think. I have been working with some really low fat and high fiber foods trying different things so I don't get bored. With working almost 50 hours a week there really isn't time. Not making excuses but if you know my life and how busy I am you would understand. Believe me what I do for a living it is excersize in itself. The lifting and tugging and the sweating alone. I will be at the WW meeting for sure this week.

Love life update: NONE

I haven't really had the time to spend as much time w/ my friends lately. Yeah I see Taryl and Amy at work but it isn't the same. Taryl is the one I spend most of my free time with though. I miss Chrissy and Barb though. They were who I have spent the past 5 years with. I really miss them and have to find some time for them. But I miss my girl Kristen the most. She is the most fun to be around all together. :)

Well I am off to my new addiction. Online Monopoly. Then the shows. 90210 and Biggest Loser. Talk to you soon

Flying Freely

2008-10-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

Sorry it has been so long. I have been busy busy busy.

I stayed over time at work last night so I was unable to make it to the WW meeting so no update for now. I have been really good though so I feel great.

I have been flying freely this week just doing my thing. I need my free time that is when I am the happiest. It's not the healthiest lifestyle but it is what works for me. I love spending time with my friends where things are carefree. I love dancing to music, drinking my beer and just relaxing.

I went w/ Taryl to Mike's the coworkers house on Thursday night and then I slept at my friend Dave's. Don't ask. I won't tell. Most likely because it just simply doesn't make much sense. I like spenidng time w/ Dave. He is a bit unusual to say the least but his conversations amuse me.

Tonight I am off to my cousin Jesse's house which always proves to be a blast.

I will be back on tomorrow. Talk to you then

Reflecting on the priority I pushed aside

2008-10-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

I was reflecting like usual today about the things in the past that I have either put aside or let slip through my hands because I wanted to focus on other things.

I made it a PRIORITY to be:
1. A great mother to my son and give him what I could in all aspects. I did the best I could and it truly wasn't all that bad.

2. A good daughter to my parents who truly under appreciate what I do on a daily basis. I have been a wife to my father in the aspects of cooking, cleaning and helping with anything else he needs. I have been a crutch to my mother emotionally and physically. I have taken their abuse over the years because I excepted them for who they were and knew I couldn't change them.

3. A sister as well as a friend to both of my sisters. Rough roads have been put long behind us but it wasn't always either with both of them. One much easier than the other.

4. A fully involved family member to my ENTIRE extended family. I show up to everything, I answer the phone when it rings, I run when they need me no matter what they are asking. I have done things for my family members that I didn't think I had the strength to do. I don't regret any of it for a moment. Only wish at times they same was done for me.

5. The best friend I could be. I am HIGH maintenance as my friends say so it takes some work to hang with me for the long haul. LMFAO. I do what I can. I am there for the laughs, the tears, the heartaches that they think no one understands. We raise our kids together, party together and more. I love my friends and have always cherished them. And I have to be honest and say they do the same for me. They are my rock !!!

6. I am a great worker. I am there when they need me and more importantly I am there when they don't even know they need me. I put in my best at work and never half ass anything I have ever done. I excel at every job I have ever done.

All in all I have made the other people in my life a priority. The one thing that has never been a priority to me is in fact ME. Some may call me selfish, self centered and many other things. But the people who think those things don't know the real me. They know the me they have created in my mind. I have always thought of others before myself. I didn't know I could say NO to some of them for many years. So when I did learn the word and started thinking of me people didn't like it.

When it came to being a mother I put my son first. I was under the impression that it was how it was supposed to be. I put dating pn the back back back burner for the last 17 yrs of my life. Yes, I have dated but never with any real intentions of making it last forever. My son always required more attention. I didn't want to date and get fully involved with someone because of the fear they would never love him the way I did or understand why I did what I did for him. He was always going to be my number one. So if a man didn't like his behaviors or attitude I wasn't ever going to let them in. Not that I have like his behaviors or attitudes either but they are his and I have to deal with them because I am his mother. This was my life and if some man wasn't willing to walk in with an open mind it was never going to work. And believe me there are times I find it hard to deal with my son or to love him. So I would never expect anyone else to.

But today I realized it has to be about me sooner or later. I am not getting any younger here. I deserve to be loved, to have time to myself and to have a career not just a job.

I have let others influence my decisions because at times it seemed best. I gave up my love life and my career for my son. I wanted and needed to be available for him. He requires lots of attention in that way. School meetings, doctors appointment, psych appointments and court dates to say the least.

I am making a step towards making it about ME. I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, I am ready to date and find HIM, I am ready to relax and most of all I am ready to find a new career position.

I have heard negative feedback from people that it always comes back to ME. That I think everything is about me. Well if you look at the facts it hasn't always been about me. Yes, I take my vacations alone now and go over nights alone. Because I get to, because I deserve to. Nobody sits home on the weekends and says " Oh, Gwen has nothing to do so I will just stay home". Please I don't think so.

I am alive and chose to live. I chose to be me. As imperfect as that might be. I am not perfect I have flaws and I except them. I am who I am

I am my own PRIORITY for now on.

The People who matter most

2008-10-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics of the everyday people in my life who make me smile. Some of the simple things in life are the best things to enjoy with the people who you love and love you back. These are my people. LOL

I love the kids who still enjoy life and smile at the smallest things. Their smiles keep me focused somedays on positive things that may have tried to slip my mind.

Then you have my sister and friends who get me and let me be me. That takes a lot of work.

Pictures that make me smile

2008-10-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share some old and new pics that make me smile. Pics that remind me of who I am. I can't be anyone else for someone else I can only be me. And believe me I know my lifestyle is not for everyone but I have to live and don't want to sit around waiting for life to happen. I am naturally a social person and love to be out and about and living the life I was given. I love my friends and I love the times we have out. So I wanted to share some pics with you of times from the past that reflect on who I AM.

Knee is holding me down

2008-10-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have tried to do a little working out today but my knee is holding me down. I actually did a little jogging the other day and the pressure proved to be too much for my little knee to handle. So I opted for some floor excerises and dumbells. It just doesn't feel the same as power walking and sweating it out.

Two more days till the big weigh in and the scale obsessed person that I am has weighed myself. And NOTHING. I read online that you should only weigh yourself once a week because seeing the negative numbers can be a setback mentally. But I just can't resist the urge. I will try to stay positive and focused and see what happens.

One day at a time right? We shall see what Thursday night brings. I have been eating good and doing some working out but not my normal. I only drank once this week and that is a big thing for me. I usually can find any reason to drink but as my sister recently said in a card bad foods and alcohol can really be a bad combo.

When times were simple...or at least easier than now

2008-10-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

I was looking through pictures today which I tend to do a lot. I like to look through them and remember the days back when. The days I thought were tough and tiring but now seem so simple and easy.

The days when I was younger and thinner and had the energy to keep up with my son. The energy to chase him and play with him.

Most most of all I like to remember the days when we did things together and laughed and just simply enjoyed our time together. Maybe someday he will grow up and appreciate these moments too.

Monday Maybe???

2008-10-06T04:47:00.003-07:00

Is it Monday? What time is it and what time did I get here? ARRRGG!!! I was woken up this morning at 3:15 am for no reason other than people being loud and inconsiderate to the fact that others are actually sleeping. I started to doze off at around 5 am only to be woken up at 5:14 by the smoke detector. Then dozed off again only to be woken up by my less than enjoyable alarm clock at 5:45. WHY? Because I was not meant to sleep I guess. Thank God I don't need beauty sleep right? Well I am up and ready to face the day.

I am feeling good this week about my diet and workout routine. I am focusing on the positive and releasing as much negative as I can. My life is HIGHLY unstable so I have to embrace each moment for what it is. For every two positive things that happen at least one negative does. But if I let the bad things keep me down I will never be happy. I will never be healthy. So screw it all I am going to TRY and be happy today. What more can a girl do besides try?

Update from Saturday 10.04.08

2008-10-05T03:53:00.000-07:00

Today marked the fourth year anniversary of the passing of my cousin Dee. So I would like to take a few minutes to reflect on my memories of her.

When I think of Dee I think happy thoughts of a time that will never be replayed. She was my older cousin, my other sister and one of my best friends. We did a lot together through the years that will forever be in my heart and mind. Most importantly we raised our kids together. We vacationed together in Maine every year both loving the beach and watching our two kids run in the waves and play like siblings. We went out together with our friends and laughed until we cried. Dee got a divorce quickly after the birth of her daughter and I walked beside her and wiped her tears. And over the MANY heartbreaks and disappointments I went through she was there for me.

She was a large part of my life and when she died on Ovarian Cancer on 10.04.04 my life was changed forever. My son suffered, I suffered and the family as a whole suffered. But as if losing her was not enough we lost her daughter Jessica to her evil step mother and unloving father. For four years she was taken from us and placed in and out of mental facilities and group homes. But I am glad to say she is HOME now and with our family. Jessica is doing incredible in the wake of what happened to her entire world. She is living with my cousin Jay and best friend Kristen, she is going to college and working full time. This girl is simply a SURVIVOR. She is amazing and carries on her mothers spirit. She too like her mother embraces life and lives it. She is a firecracker. Looking at Jessica and watching her is like having a piece of Dee back. Within Jessica is her mother and that makes these past four years bearable.

So today I write with a smile on my face. Today and each day the passing of Dee gets easier. I love her and miss her. And I will never forget our 32 years together.

Four seconds, four minutes, four hours, four months now four years. FOURever in my heart.

Update from Friday night 10.03.08

2008-10-05T03:37:00.000-07:00

Friday was so unexpected. I went to work and all the girls were talking about going out for drinks. I had no intentions on it since I spent Thursday night out at Daves and was tired. I work and came home and went to Guitar Center with the kid. My cell was ringing off the hook so needless to say eventually I went out.

I met Taryl and Mike at the Pump House for one drink. Literally one. Mike was wasted to say the least. So we decided to venture to Lynda's where they play dance music. At this point Mike feels the need to dance it out and show his stuff. LMFAO So we are walking to Lynda's and I remember that our friend Sarah just moved into an apartment on Main St. Thankfully we find it and head up there. I think at this point our dear friend Mike could use a breather. Or more like the town needed some time to prepare for his arrival.

Lets just review a thing or two so that you understand. Mike is the guy who does maintenance at work. He is the go to guy for almost anything. I love him to death. He helps me out most mornings by setting up all of my work stuff so I can just walk LATE and work. He is sweet and honest and QUIET. Or so I thought. For over a year I have worked with this guy and he barely says a word to any of us. He is a love I tell ya.

As we have come to find out he is like that only at work. Once he is out and finds a bottle of Bacardi Razz it is on. All of a sudden he is a dancer, a singer, a fighter and so much more. Man I long for the quiet Mike.

So we are out at Sarahs and decided it might just be time to head out again. So we all pack up and head to Lynda's. Again another short lived visit. Mike isn't the typical guy you would find in these bars. He is white and dresses hip hop I guess you would say. These bars are dark and shady and have the lizards in them that have been there since your parents went there many years ago. So needless to say at every point of the night somebody had something sarcastic to say to Mike. Well that doesn't go over well I am telling you. People almost flew off of balconies a few times. LOL

So ok I must come up with another plan. Sarah and I decide to grab some beers and head back to her place. That way it will just be all of us friends and Mike will be able to relax. This proves to be one of the better ideas of the night.

We drank and danced and laughed and all the other good stuff. Then BAM in an instant I screwed it up. One thing leads to another and with the help of many beers and shots I am pressed against the wall by Mike. Shit I can see it coming but can't fight my way out of the whole thought process. So there I am making out with Mike.

Do I like Mike like that. NO to the HELL NO. He is my friend and my coworker and NOTHING more. But I figure we are drunk and it won't matter in the morning. WRONG again Gwen.

He called three times on Saturday. Never called before now three calls in a day. WTF right? Well hopefully he can be cool and act normal at work because I simply can't deal with men and stress at work. It was some kisses simply kisses so lets just get past it and move on.

Men have been moving on for years so I think it is ok to kiss and sleep with someone (fully dressed in bed, SLEEPING) and not feel any connection or responsiblity in the morning. Please let this pass. LMFAO

Go Me !!!

2008-10-03T04:11:00.001-07:00

Ok, so the scale was kinder this week. Took of the same exact 5lbs that I gained last week. I was hoping for a good 6 lbs so that I would have a bonus pound but what can you do right? One ounce at a time. If I set myself to believe I was going to wake up and be skinny I would wake up to shear disappointment every single day. I will take a loss each week and I mean any loss. If it goes down I will smile. If it goes up I am picking up the scale and throwing at the mean lady who writes the numbers down.

Up up and away. Off with the pounds. Its a new week and new motivation. Wish me luck

The big day has arrived. Hopefully not Bigger. LOL

2008-10-02T02:48:00.000-07:00

Today is the big weigh in at WW. I have convinced myself that I had a pretty good week. I think I recovered from the bad food choices I made over the weekend. I worked out w/ my man Billy Banks, did upper body work w/ the 5lb weights and walked about 10 miles this week. Maybe more I cant be sure. I just know it wasn't as much as usual. But all in all I think it was a good recovery.

I have started putting more work into finding a perfect workout routine that I can do without my friends. Sometimes they just can't make it or their schedule doesn't work with mine. One of my famous excuses is that I don't like to walk or workout alone. I am slowly overcoming that idea though. I now will walk outside alone without the fear of being struck by a car or kidnapped. Sorry peeps but I am cute someone might want to take me. LOL

I am trying to incorporate more vegetables into my diet and drink the gallon of water a day. All I can say is " I AM TRYING". I figure anything more than I was doing before has to be a good thing right?

Amy and Beth my twin WW partners can't join me tonight. I could not go and wait until next week but that won't help. I have skipped weeks before and that leads to me quitting all together. I am going and I am getting on that evil scale, paying my $12 and hoping for the best.

I will let you all know how it turns out.

BTW.... due to the overwhelming stress I have broken down to daily smoking again. I am hoping to give them back up again soon. I am going to need some more Chantix though. Quitting smoking is harder than giving up buffalo wings believe me.

This shit shut me down

2008-10-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why but it shut me down mid type. LOL

Anyways he is looking at 7 to 10 days of inpatient juvie. Not what I worked so hard at avoiding but exactly what he fed into. He fought the system and everyone who tried to help him. This could be the only thing to save him. This could make or break him. I just don't know anymore. I tried as hard as I could and don't know anywhere else to turn for help.

I am at a loss on this one. It is out of my hands.

I am over tired and off to bed. More in the am.

I know you waited but wait till you read all of this

2008-10-01T18:34:00.001-07:00

Well I have really been trying hard to get online and update everyone on what is getting to me now. It was not an easy day yesterday to say the least. Putting up with my oh so perfect impatient mother is simply not that easy. She knows everything and never has to listen to the other side. Why would she bother when she already knows?

I knew exactly what the meeting at school was going to be about. My son has been on probation for a while. That means a lot of things. He has to go to school, he has to have a curfew, he has to be good all around. He simply WILL NOT do these things. His life is far from hard. Believe me I know the kid is spoiled rotten and there is no pill in the world that will fix that.

We have done two years of court, counseling and medication management. I have spent countless hours on the phone and in emails trying to get this kid help. But if you are part of the whole MIDDLE AMERICAN world there really isn't that much available to you. Living in the country somehow entitles you to a brand of persons you aren't even aware of. This town is known to be well off. But believe me alot of people aren't. Our kids have the same problems as inner city kids but we just don't have the resources. BELIEVE me I tried everything available and still got no help.

Not such a great afternoon

2008-09-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

The meeting at my son's school was less than perfect. The afternoon trying to explain things to his overbearing less than understanding grandmother was worse. If any of you have ever met my mother you will understand what I am saying. The boy can do no wrong in her eyes. It is all about the whole world is out to get him and has done him wrong. Hmmm, why didn't I realize that too? This could have been a lot easier the past two years. I must have just wanted to make it harder on MYSELF and struggle with being a mother. She is so smart, I have to try to learn more from her I tell ya. Her excuses may just be the reason he is the way he is. Everyone is out to get her poor little defenseless grandson. It couldn't be that he has rebelled and refused to conform to any type of rules and guidlines. Man, I have way to much to learn in one afternoon from this wise woman. I have a headache and need to lay down but I will try to get back on later to explain if not I will be on in the am.

GOD give me the strength I tell ya

Early morning Tuesday thoughts

2008-09-30T04:49:00.000-07:00

It's just a typical Tuesday morning for me. I am up and at em way too early. I am not much of a sleeper I would say. I go to bed early and doze off and on until around 5 a.m and then HERE I AM World. LOL

I wish I could sleep, I wish I could rest soundly without the weight of the world on my shoulders. There is just constantly someone needing something from me or something that needs to be done and it appears only I can do it. What about this??? Sometimes I need a break too.

I can't always be the best mother, best daughter, best sister, best aunt or best friend. Sometimes I just need to be alone and be free from the stress and shit the outside world brings. I actually enjoy being alone at times. I like to listen to music and reflect on things. I am a thinker although sometimes and over thinker. I need peace in order to process and prioritze things in my life. I don't need constant stimulation and conversation. I just need a moment. I feel like when I try to take a moment there are others who can't accept it and need me to be talking to them, sitting with them or explaining things to them. Sometimes I just need my alone time.

At this moment I would love to be on the beach or the balcony of a hotel on the beach. I want to be alone listening to the ocean. No thoughts no worries. Just time. No hurry. Just relax and reflect. I wouldn't mind the sound of some music in the background as I close my eyes and RELAX by myself. This is where I would like to be. Where would you like to be?

Well today is one of those days where I wake up stressed beyond belief. My arm numb, head banging and need to work things out quickly. I have to process things clearly and be on my toes. I am sure I will be back on later to vent some more.

Hope your morning is going better than mine.

Monday Morning Reflections

2008-09-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

Well today is Monday and I have just gotten off the scale and want to strangle myself for the self abusive overeating I have allowed myself over the weekend. I think to myself that if I workout and walk everyday the buffalo wings and shit I eat won't effect my weight loss. Man sometimes I can really manipulate my own thinking. Now I have four days to catch up on everything and lose some weight. I have already done multiple sets of upper body with my 5lb dumb bells. I have Tai Bo in the VCR ready to go. I just wanted to finish blogging and updating all of my emails and webpages. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I am an ass.

Well the walk went better than I expected. We raised more money than last year. That is a great thing considering how slow it all started and ended. I put 10 months into fundraising for Walk for Dee a year and every single year people step up in the beginning and say they are walking , raising money or both. But in the end it is never those people who are there in the end. Except for Kristen and Tracy who walk every year. But surprisingly this year Jessica Rondeau and Kim Jacques joined me. Also my two neices Jessica and Michelle joined in and brought some friends. I think everyone was excited to have accomplished this. They all had smiles on their faces and I believe they will be back next year ready to go. I appreciate it all the spirit was better than ever thanks to the teens. Jay and Taryl did a great job too. We shall see if they will be back next year. LOL We did have a few suspicious people who told us they were raising money and training for the walk and didn't show up. I HOPE they have the morals and respect to submit the money they raised to the walk to cure cancer and DO NOT keep it. This would be a TRUE disappointment to say the least. Many people pull from the bottom of their pockets to be able to donate to our team. And if anyone has raised money with the intention on keeping it for themselves PLEASE do the right thing. This is a BAD reflection on our team. There are a lot of honest people out there so I have faith that our team will do the right thing. At least the ones I walk with. Thanks to everyone again who donated or walked.

My son is a pain in the ass still. He asked for a ride to Worcester and I asked him 10 times if he had a ride home. Over and over with frustration he said he did. He acts like I am the asshole for not believing him and asking over and over. Well the truth was he didn't have a ride and called me in the middle of my walk saying he was stranded and needed a ride. TOO BAD. Sometimes these teenagers need to see what consequenses there are to their lies. I was busy and not all that worried to be honest. He got lucky and his grandmother went to get him. I hope this kid starts to figure out that he needs to fly straight and start doing something positive with his life. I can only do so much for him but I refuse to give in to his every beck and call. I have my own life that he has continued to effect in not such a positive way. I still have to live and work and do things for others. He needs to really take a second to see that there is more to life than his selfish ways. Tomorrow we have a meeting at school to discuss all kinds of things. I will fill you in after that.

Well I really have to get dressed and work out with Billy Banks. I feel like a fat ass and need to punish myself for what I did this weekend. Talk to you soon my friends

Walk for Dee 2008 completed

2008-09-29T06:11:00.000-07:00

Team Walk for Dee completed the five mile walk to Cure Cancer at Umass Medical Center in Worcester, Ma. yesterday.

Thank you Jessica Rondeau, Kim Jacques, Jeremy Pepin, Michelle Pepin, Michele Borowski, Jonnie Biffle, Jessica Durling, Tracy Spencer, Taryl Myers and Kristen Edwards for walking as part of my team this year.

This years team total of $1856 was better than last years total of $1598 so that in itself is a great accomplishment. Every dollar counts and with a great support team anything is possible. We still have donations rolling in over the next couple of weeks from people who were unable to attend or donate as of yet. The below mentioned website is open to except donations until November 30th 2008 and we hope this will bring in additional donations as well.

http://www.firstgiving.com/gwendolynbultron2

Again, thank you all for your donations and to all of you who chose to walk as part of my team. Bigger and better things happen each year.

Sincerely,

Gwen Bultron

Team Leader

Walk for Dee

Pictures from Taryls Birthday nite out 8.26.8

2008-09-29T05:58:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pics from the night out. It was fun and I loved it. There are more pics but this takes too long. LOL

So its Sunday

2008-09-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

So it's Sunday here in Massachusetts and I am up just not all that on the go. My back aches, my head aches and my wheel aches (my leg) I am a bloody mess over here. LOL

Needless to say the walk is ahead of us today and like always people continue to back out at the last minute. I will be walking and like I said before the few dedicated friends will be there.

I am trying to wake up to and forge ahead over here but in my head I just want to go back on the couch and watch tv. This is the kind of cold and damp weather where you just want to snuggle up and watch tv.

Off I go for now. Be back later when I get home and can upload pics and other stuff.

Satisfied Saturday

2008-09-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry to get on so late. It has been a rough one today. It was an unexpected blast last night. Pics to follow soon as I am in Leicester for the night so I can't upload them today.

We went to the Pump House. We meaning Me, Taryl, Amy, Steve, Erica, Priscilla, Janet and her friend from Puerto Rico Norma. A not so usual crowd but a fun ass crowd to be with. We laughed, we cried, we belly danced and did the salsa. It was more fun that I thought we were going to have.

I got on the scale and the 5 lbs I gained seem to have disappeared. Not complaining just kind of baffled I guess by the whole thing. We shall see what the scale brings next week.

Tomorrow is the big walk. The donations are kicking in now at the end. I appreciate every single dollar that comes in. I will post the final donation total tomorrow. Our online donation website takes donations until October and I usually get more before that too. We shall see.

Off to share conversation with Kristen and Sandy so I will be back on tomorrow.

Rainy Friday

2008-09-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Well it is a dark, cold and rainy Friday here in Mass. I need some sun to pep me up over here. I hate these gloomy days.

Just a note I have updated the options in this blog so that you don't have to have an account to make comments and stuff. So feel free.

Ok so lets start off with the VERY disappointing WW meeting last night. I am trying not to dwell on the fact that I gained 5 fucking pounds. It is hard not to though considering I know the work I put in to losing weight last week. I have struggled through bigger things in life than gaining weight but lets not pretend it's not upsetting ok? It is. I will work harder at it this week and plan on making a date or two with Billy Banks and letting him kick my ass with some of his famous kicking moves. I will lose the 5 pounds next week I know it. It was a fluke. The leaders think my body was in shock from the diet and all the walking. Talk about shock you be the one on that scale looking at the numbers I have to look at. It ain't easy being me I tell ya.

Nothing new with MS or the kid to share today. It feels good to be able to take a break from the two men in my life that cause me the most stress. Tomorrow is another day. LMFAO

Most disappointing to me today is this WALK FOR DEE fundraising that I have done for the past four years. I have come to realize that it means a whole lot to me than most people. I know it is a personal thing for me and it is for DEE that I started it and will continue to do it. I know it is DEE who meant the world to me. But each year a bunch of people step up and say they want in and they want to walk and raise money for this great cause. But when it comes down to it they are full of shit. In the end there are the same couple of walkers who join in with me and help me keep Dee's spirit alive. It is those couple of people who know and love me and understand what this TRULY means to me. It isn't so much about not doing it because I know not everyone can. It is much more about saying your going to do it and then bounce when the time comes to do it. I put 11 months into gathering a team and raising money. It is countless hours of emails and phone calls to do what I do. And NO I don't need a pat on the back for what I do, I do it because I want to. But it would be nice if people were true to their word and raised the money and walked the walk. Hey you can make all the excuses in the world but most of them mean shit to me. You are only lying to yourself. Give me a break. I mean I am 100+ lbs overwieght with a bum ankle and knee. But because I am DETERMINED to do it I push pass the pain. Walking 5 miles in the rain isn't my idea of fun believe me. But in the end raising money for Cancer Research is the purpose. Too many lives have been touched by cancer not to want to join in and make a difference. Thank you to those of you who have either raised money, are walking or both. Every penny counts and will make a difference in the lives of many. To those of you who again have showed your weakness as a person. Good luck on all of the other efforts you put in. I know I will be there and I will be there until I can't walk or push a wheelchair. My life has forever been changed by Cancer and the lives that have been lost or continue to struggle. I want to leave this earth knowing I did something for someone other than myself. Again thank to the dedicated few who stand beside me and walk with me. It means the world to me.

Tonight is a night out at PUMP IT with some girls from work to celebrate Taryl's birthday. Anyone who knows me knows I love to go out. I am not looking forward to tonight because nothing good will come of it. This is not the place to go and dance, chat and meet new people. It is a dark watering hole where you go when you don't feel good about yourself but look better standing next to the people who actually do like it there. YUCK I have to go but don't want to believe me. I will fill you all in later.

Thirsty Thursday

2008-09-25T02:38:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone it's me yet again. Not too much happened yesterday in general. I sent the kid to school to prove a point that if you stay out late you still have to face your responsibilities in the morning. He went but the principal called to let me know he was reallly sick, had a fever and everything. Hmmm, can't really fake a fever can ya? Well, he will be staying home today to get better. In my eyes its simply to get better but I think he is like " Shit man, it's almost the weekend". Its amazing how differently teenagers think huh?

Well work was busy. It was a half day of school so I was slinging more burgers and chicken tenders than normal. Not anything to stress about though. Just another day behind a hot sweaty grill. LOL

Tonight is Weight Watchers night and anyone who knows me knows I stress out EVERY single time I have to go to a meeting and face the scale. The scale is kind to me but not before it barks at me and shows it's shiny fangs. I fear that fucking thing I really do. I ate reasonably well this week considering there is not a whole lot of healthy food in this house. I walked over 15 miles this week so far and it's only Thursday. I've drank enough water to fill the Hoover Dam. But I feel bloated and fat and HONESTLY the scale has not moved either up or down. Sometimes it feels hopeless. I am tempted to put the scale off for a week and just go next Thursday but what does that prove? I can only do so much I tell ya. We will see what today brings.

I need to vent about this FUCKING urge to smoke the CANCER filled nicotine sticks that I am so in need of. I crave them in the worse way. More than food or sex. I want to put that nasty stick against my lips, light the lighter and inhale the first puff. Ahhhhhh, that would be so good right now. Am I being unrealistic in the sense that I think I can lose weight, him and quit smoking all at the same time? Fuck I want a smoke.

Well, I am off to take a shower and go to work. I am in heavy PMS mode and feel like I am on the verge of a psycho outburst. I may need to find a smoke from one of the girls at work. I will be back on later after work and WW to fill you in. Wish me luck I need it. LOL

Back to the realities of slinging burgers. LOL

2008-09-24T02:41:00.000-07:00

Well today is Wednesday which means I am going to be slinging eggs and burgers for 11 hours today. I type it with misery but truly it doesn't matter to me. I have been doing it off and on for 20 years so it is like second nature. If I wasn't doing the shit at work I would be doing it at home while not getting paid.

I stay at this job because my son continues to test me everyday. Meaning there are days I have to leave work on the drop of the dime to go get him. We have court dates and all the other appointments that go with it. This job allows me to do this and keep a paycheck every week. All of my other jobs which were so called " Family Friendly" smiled at first with understanding eyes and then almost instantly they were done with the whole thing. Well fuck that Family First assholes. You do what you have to do right?

Well I went walking with crazy Amy yesterday. We did 4.6 miles of hilly shit. It felt like 10 miles if you ask me. We walked through two towns and back mostly all up hill. When we did approach a huge hill to go down I was hoping a gust of wind would come and push my fat ass down it. But I like the burn at the end of a good walk like that. I never think I can do it and when I approach a hill I tell myself it is ok to turn around and go back. But having a friend with you to encourage you makes it easier. Thanks to Amy for that.

The kid snuck out while I was walking and didn't call for a ride until 1 am. No consideration for the fact that I have to get up at five to work and pay the bills. He better get his ass up in a little while and get to school. He is like an AA meeting one day at a time. When I went to the school yesterday for a quick meeting they sang all praises about him passing the MCAS test and how he had such an amazing day. That I guess made him believe it would be ok to do whatever he wanted when he got home. We shall see. I will not be leaving work early this week to pick him up if he is tired and acts out. He can wait outside till his bus comes or better yet walk the 8 miles home. We will see my friends.

Well I am off to work for now. We shall see what excitement today brings. I am hoping for all good things. I will try to stay focused on the future and positive things. I will try to remember the good things and let the bad things fade.

I will try to get back on later. If not I will be back sooner or later. LOL

Donation for Walk for Dee 2008

2008-09-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

Many of you may not know that I am the team leader for team Walk for Dee. This will be our fourth year walking as part of Umass Medical Centers Walk for a Cure.

We are in desperate need of donations this year. Times are hard and people are struggeling financially. I understand that believe me but we still need to stick together and fight this fight against cancer.

If you are able to donate please check out the following online donation form our team has. Either way please try to spred the word. The walk is this Sunday 09/28/08 in Worcester, Ma.

http://www.firstgiving.com/gwendolynbultron2

HOLY SHIT it's been 9 whole months I could have had a baby

2008-09-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

WOW I thought I was going to let the whole blogging thing go but now I remember how good it felt to express myself and share it all in words.

Let me start by saying I could have simply deleted this blog and created a new one but there are so many things in the old part that are part of what I still deal with today. Seconds pass, minutes pass but memories last forever and don't go away with time. Screw it, it all happened so lets just move on and keep going.

I don't know if I can go all the way back over 9 months but from time to time I am sure I will need a line or two to reflect on things that have passed.

I know right off the top of the list I want to share that I had the best summer ever this year. I tried my best to release stresses from the past and move forward. I went to Cancun for my sisters wedding, the Cape a few times with family and friends and just really lived an active life really.

I sang, I danced, I laughed and most of all I lived. I tried to express this to my friends and invited them to embrace the life we were given. Most of them did just that. Any day now this life could be taken from us so why not live this life now?

There are too many days and too many moments where we are forced to deal with the stress and strife of life. Too many times we have to spend worrying. So fuck that. When I am given a moment of peace and quiet I want to LIVE. There will always be bills, I will always have a child, I will always have an oversized extended family with problems. I will always, always have something to worry about. But I do not want to dwell on all of it all of the time. It will age and kill me. If not it will kill my aura. I do not want to be a dark cloud I want to be a bright light. This is what I will stuggle with everyday.

Lets see what is bothering me today. It's a boring ole cold ass Tuesday here in Massachusetts. I am craving a cigarette in the worst way ( gave them up 9 weeks ago unless drunk LOL), I am wanting to over eat and binge eat on nasty ass fried food ( on WW yet again, lost 6lbs last week) and I want to allow myself to wallow in self pity for taking asshole MIKE SCLAMO back (only to see the truth this time). I should be outside walking 5 miles listening to my Ipod. I should be vacuuming, doing dishes, looking for a second job, showering and so much more. But I am not. I simply DONT WANT TO. This house is quiet which is rare and I want to sit here and blog so that is exactly what I am going to do. Fuck everyone else and all of their demands.

Wow that sounds angry huh? Not really simply over stressed. No smokes and no fatty food can do this to a girl like me. Never mind the lack of sleep.

I will share the SCLAMO drama with you first since it is in the forefront of my mind at this very second. An exact year had gone by since the last dramatic exit of this creep. I guess it was the twelve months that had passed that had allowed me to forget the FUCKING HELL I went through before. I had seen him in passing at our sons school and even shared some words with him at Walmart. But it was recently like 5 weeks ago that I let the asshole back into my world.
I will not lie and say I didn't know it was going to end again the same exact way it did last year. I know in my heart of hearts he is what he is. But I allowed myself to miss him and most of all I allowed myself to love him again. It hurts but I will not go down like I did last year. I will not suffer. Yes my mind drifts back to him frequently which annoys me. But there are little to no tears this time. The tears that have been shed are in disappointment with myself for allowing myself to believe his lies. Long story short he lied. His kid let the cat out of the bag. He is with the ex Cindy again. No biggie I say. I would rather know now than later. I guess in a way the last month or so were both validating and a sense of closure I didn't get last year. I was thrown for a loss last year without explanation. I get it now. I am NOT angry with him. I actually will always care for him but most importantly I will always hope that he gets the help he needs. I did let Cindy know about his infedelity this year. I didn't last year but I think she deserves to know. She did listen and believe me but I think after 13 yrs off and on with him she will continue to deal with the lies rather than be without him. I myself will NEVER go back. I will NEVER be there for him. NEVER AGAIN as Kelly Clarkson sings about.

My son continues to lead himself on a path of self destruction. I have tried over the last two years or so to guide him and save him. You simply can not save someone from themselves. People may not get what I am saying and may disagree with my ways of parenting but OH FUCKING WELL. Unless you have cried the tears and had the sleepless nights worrying about where your child is, whether your child is alive , on drugs or all the other things teenagers do, You will NEVER understand. And believe me I would not wish these years on anyone. Being a mother of a troubled child is exhausting. I know friends and family who would rather cover up the truth of this subject rather than deal with it and let others know the struggles. I am open about it and most of all I am HONEST about it. My son is the greatest love as well as the greatest heartbreak of my life. I have never given up on him. I have worked tirelessly with schools, doctors, shrinks and outside agencies to try to get him the help he needed. As of today I have basically been fighting this fight alone. I am exhausted and overwhelmed at what today might face. With him it is something new everyday. I will let you know how today goes. As of today he has been acting out in school again, staying out late and whatever else he would never tell. I try to find the answers but teenagers just arent that honest in case you didn't know.

Well, I think I should find something constructive to do for now. I will get back to you later. Share a comment if you will.

Two months have passed

2007-12-27T06:44:00.000-08:00

Well where do I start it has been two months since I have updated and WOW my life really is in a downward spiral. I try and try and still it turns to shit. I am just hoping 2008 is a turnaround for me. I got a new job this year and was let go fo NO KNOWN REASON. Even the girl I trained w/ was lost when they let me go. But to be honest the job SUCKED worse than a HOOVER. It was a business or so they called it. There was a male owner who was secretly dating the female owner. Yeah big secret!!! This is a small town and his wife is a teacher in town and we all know she is going through a divorce. Then her son and daughter worked there or lets say sat there and got paid to leach off of their mother. There was one actual sales guy who went out and actually did something w/ his day and brought in business. And the daughter in law who was my trainer. She was the only one who preformed any duties all day and the poor thing was the go to girl who everyone went to. She was there less than everyone else but held the most knowledge. And one other girl who I liked but she simply was burnt out on the job and had no motivation. All in all the job was not really a job. I watched people do personal shit all day and shop on line in a HIGHLY addictive manner. Their loss not mine is all I can say. But truly what kind of person lets someone go four days before Christmas???? NOt a good character trait if you ask me. That is why I am pissed. WTF I have bills to pay and there are no jobs out there right now. I am going to attempt to apply for unemployment for now until I can find something but if they fight it I WILL FREAK OUT. I will expose the secrets that are within those little walls. The disgusting way the owner talks to the girls and much more.
I have been depressed so of course my natural course of action is to overeat. But then when I gain the weight I am more depressed. Just can't win over here. WTF again. Well I am going to do some job searching and then I will update again. There is alot more to type believe me

What the F@CK Wednesday

2007-10-24T03:23:00.000-07:00

OMG. My chest is aching and my heart is beating out of it. I am completely overwhelmed today. It's only 6:24 am and my day already sucks. This is so my life. Just when it seems like the clouds have cleared I get thrown against a brick wall. I am sitting hear trying not to hyperventulate or cry. Because when I feel this stressed and I cry sometimes I just can't stop.
I am working 7 days a week and still just getting by. Stealing from Peter to pay Paul. No extra cash to by the clothes my son needs no extra money to buy the food I need to eat healthy. No money for anything. Money only for bills. I don't think that when you work hard and try to live a good life you should struggle. I know I do not struggle alone but I do suffer from " IT'S ABOUT ME" syndrome.
I just need a fucking break here. Just a little light at the end of the tunnel would be nice.
I wake up this morning to a notice to appear in court for my son because he acted up in school last week. This is a violation of probation as it is a term to attend school without incident. WTF.. Give me a break will ya? The reason he has been acting up is because Harrington Memorial Hospital is lacking any medical concerns. I have been fighting w/ his psychiatrist since May to have an actual prescription written for him. She wrote a script for a medication she knew would not be approved by insurance and since then he has been living on sample packs. Never mind the fact that the dose has been too low for his height and body weight. I have called her numerous times w/ no return call. I have filed complaints and she up'd the meds but still not enough. I have tried to have her write an approved script and still nothing. His school sent home a letter for her that I faxed. Only then did I get an appt for today. Had she done her job he would have been on the appropriate meds and his moods would be controlled. She BETTER correct this today. I don't want to go to court.
Never mind I just started a new job and had to ask to work half day today to take him to the appt. Now I have to go in and ask to take more time off to go to court??????????? FUCK I am overwhelmed

Whatever Wednesday

2007-10-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Whatever !!! I just don't get it somedays. Life can be so good one day where you are smiling and motivated and just plain ole glad to be alive. I am still struggling w/ weight loss, my son has his old attitude lately due to his meds not being adjusted by his doctor. She is useless as I have come to find out. No love life as of yet and so on and so on.
I started a weight loss support group though on Myspace with some family and friends. They are looking forward to it as much as I am. Hopefully we can motivate each other the way I intend on .
Work is ok. Work is work. Still working at Friendlys too. Working 7 days a week to JUST get by. Struggling w/ my bills still. When is enough enough?

Wacky Wednesday

2007-10-10T05:30:00.001-07:00

Sorry it has been so long since I have written. So many things are going on right now. Most of them great things actually.

Well first lets start w/ my son. He brought home his progress report and it was pretty outstanding for him. He really has been trying to make some changes. Not that he doesn't have set backs but he is trying harder and listening more. He may just grow out of this after all.

Barbara and I did our routine trip to Fall River to see Psychic Steve. I had a really great session. He said that now that my job and son are all set I need to push everything aside and focus on me. He said that once I am happy everyone will be happy and we all know that to be true. He also said I will meet my soulmate soon. He said I already know him but may have pushed him aside in the past for any reason such as maybe I thought I wasnt good enough or he wasnt good enough or possibly only thought of him as a friend. We shall soon see I hope.

I started my new job and so far so good. Today is only day two. There is a lot to learn. I get bored easy so hopefully today will be better. I will let you know

Monday Madness

2007-10-01T13:44:00.001-07:00

Well it is Monday and I am still alive. I guess that is a good thing. Things are going as best they can right now. Not much happening.

Looking forward to starting my new job. I need something new in my life something to switch things up a bit. I hope it all works out because I really want to stay local in the winter. Nothing worse than 290 traffic in the winter. Don't miss those days at all.

MOTIVATION oh, where has my motivation gone? I am stuck in a rut and don't know how to get out of it. I was talking to my friend Barbara and I was like, I know I don't need a man to feel special but I miss that part. I miss being told I am beautiful by a man. I have always done my own thing and never depended on a man but it DOES feel good to feel wanted and desired. It is motivating to look good for someone else. I just don't know how to get going again. Somebody give me some advice here will ya?

I REALLY miss a man's companionship. Watching tv, listening to the radio, waking up w/ him by my side. I miss so many things that I used to have. The problem was I had all that with a man who didn't deserve it. But I was without all of that for so long that now that I know what it feels like to have it I want it more. I want to share my world with someone else. I want him to share his w/ me too. I want to snuggle and be comforted. I want to have someone special to talk to. The feeeling of knowing he will be home or going to call is great when you are w/ the right someone. I truly miss it all.

Well, I was talking about Karma today and I was like I believe in it and I hope it starts coming around soon. I was having a weak I MISS MIKE moment last nite. Pathetic but true. I miss him sometimes. I hate to talk about him and I hate to wast energy on him but as he would say " It is what it is". I miss the man. I miss his smile and his corny little sayings. I miss the way I felt when he would look at me. But today Karma came around. Rumor has it he was arrested on an outstanding warrant. For what? That I do not know. But he gave the blond bimbo (the one he cheated w/) $500 to go get him a lawyer. Well she never did and he is still in jail. I feel bad for his kid but the guy deserves it. I hope he has time to think about what he has done to me and that Karma truly is a bitch. He had it good w/ me and I would have been right by his side. Not anymore. He chose and he chose badly. He just wasn't the man he portrayed himself to be. He was hiding behind so many lies and they have finally caught up w/ him. No wonder he was always having chest pains and anxiety attacks. He knew he was a scam artist and now he is paying the price.

Yippee for me

2007-09-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

Well, she finally called and I got the new job. Not the best starting pay but there is room for advancement. It is Monday thru Friday 9 to 5 so I can still make my son breakfast and get him on the bus everyday. It is important to me to be here to send him off. I will still cook every other weekend to make up the pay difference for now. The advantage is the hours and the fact that I don't have to drive 60 miles a day in the winter for work. It is five miles away and a family friend job.

I need to start working out again now that my cold is better. I will have time to walk in the morning and do my workout now. Yippee for me

Finally Friday

2007-09-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

Well as far as that job went it appears I didn't get it. No big loss. There were advantages and disadvantages to it. There will be a better one I am sure. I will just keep looking.

I don't know why but I miss Mike this week. Sad but true. I know he was a loser but there were good times too and I miss the good times. I miss the laughs. I guess he is back w/ his ex wife Cindy. I can understand that better than that other lizard he left me for. At least I can understand that he was w/ Cindy for 14 years. Who knows what that man is thinking and I am not saying I want him back I am just saying at times my heart misses his smile and laughter.

I have been sick for two weeks now. I just want to sleep the aches and pains away. I need to get back into work out mode. Being sick has a way of holding you back and keeping you down.

I have to work 49 hrs this week so I am tired but need the money. It is Friday and I still have 30 hrs to put in. This is exhausting but hopefully in the end after a couple of weeks of this I will be able to catch up on some bills. We will see

Second Interview

2007-09-25T03:57:00.001-07:00

Well the first interview went well. I was called back last night for a second interview today after work. Wish me well I really need a change.

Monday Morning Motivation

2007-09-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

Today is Monday. Yippee my day off from slinging burgers and waiting on customers who think 10% is an appropriate tip. It is going to be warm outside again almost summerlike. Today is a new day.

I walk in the WALK TO CURE CANCER yesterday at Umass Medical Center in Worcester, Ma. My team WALK FOR DEE raised over $1000 so far and still have a webpage that excepts donations until November. http://www.firstgiving.com/gwendolynbultron1 I am looking to continue raising until I reach my goal of $2000. It was a five mile walk that once kicked my ass ( this is my 3rd year). However, with the weighloss and excersize I have been doing lately I was able to walk this at a good pace w/ no pain or resistance. It was amazing to see the difference.

I am watching a four month old today and have no stroller but I am going to try to find time to fit in some form of exersize at some point in my crazy day. When there is a will there is a way right?

Wish me luck I have an interview at noon today. Seems too good to be true but that could just be the negaholic in me. It is right in my town, 9-5 Monday thru Friday. Wish me luck I really need this job and a positive change in my life.

I will fill you in on my progress throughout the week. WW is on Thursday so we shall see.

Friday Flashes

2007-09-21T05:39:00.000-07:00

Well I went to WW last night and it was better than I though all in all. I was off last week and was eating bad and not working out like I planned. I thought for sure I had gained 5 lbs. I was going to either quit all together, use the skip the scale ticket they give you or just wait until next week. But I really talked myself into going and keeping w/ the healthy changes. I knew I was bad and I had to pay the price no matter what. I am not much of a quitter. So I trudged my way there and got on the scale. I only gained 1.2 lbs which could have been worse. That is manageable. I am back though and working out and eating right so next week I will lose that and more. It's hard to remain focused somedays and I feel discouraged at times but when I flash back to my weight 44.3 lbs ago I know I don't want to go back. I found my WW book from September last year and I surely don't want to flash back that way either I was 298.4 lbs. That is 64 lbs fatter than I am today. NO WAY. I need to focus and Flash Forward to a new me.

I have to walk 5 miles on Sunday at the Umass Walk to Cure Cancer and this year should be much easier than the past two considering my weight loss. I am looking forward to it this year instead of dreading it. Should be fun.

Wednesday Wonders

2007-09-19T02:59:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven't been keeping up w/ my blog. I know it is killing my sister Danielle. Sometimes I am just so busy w/ my crazy life that I forget to keep up.
I have been trying to get myself back on track after a rocky week last week. I just wasn't myself and didn't feel the motivation. I let myself fall and am now trying to pick myself back up. On Monday I worked my arms for 15 minutes and then 15 minutes of abs on the floor. I did two sets of 20 lunges w/ 5lb weights and also went walking w/ my friend Barbara for 4 miles. On Tuesday I my regular workout above and found my Tai Bao 8 minute power workout to do. WOW that is a short but crazy workout. I have never sweat that much in my life. It felt good though. I am sick today but will try to at least walk or push myself to do the Tai Bao video. It's pretty hard to work too hard w/ a head cold though. I will see what I can do. My eating is back on track though. I go to WW this Thursday but plan on using my skip the scale card because I know I was bad and don't know if I can take the hit emotionally. We will see though. I say that and then I get on the scale anyway. If I gain I gain as long as I get back on the wagon. I usually don't gain so I really shouldnt be so hard on myself. We will see. I will let you know.

Setback

2007-09-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

I am sad to say I have suffered a few days of a dieting set back. I am not going to let it keep me back though. Tomorrow is a new day and I will search for the inspiration to get back on track. I lost focus on my goals and all the hard work I have already put in. I need to continue on the road to good health and well being. I just have to keep in mind what my intended goals are and run towards them. Tomorrow I will start fresh and take any gains for what they are this week at WW and move forward. Mentally I am better. I want more for myself and my son and will work towards it. 2008 is going to be a year of big changes for us and I don't know if I am up for them but will try to remain positive and prepare myself for what is ahead

Thankful Thursday

2007-09-13T03:43:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful today for many things. I am thankful that my son is healthy and happy. I am happy that he is putting forth the effort in school to do better. He has had a great three weeks so far. I went to pick him up the other day at school and the behavioral coach came outside to meet me. He wanted to let me know how impressed he is w/ him and his improvements both emotionally and academically. I make sure to encourage him every morning before he leaves. He is doing so well.
I am thankful that I have continued to move forward w/ my weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes. I felt a little set back this week but am getting back on track. I have to work late tonight so no WW this week. I will let you know the results next week.
I am thankful that I have great friends who encourage me to move forward. They are so good to me and keep me real. They remind me that I AM A GOOD PERSON who is worthy of more.
Most of all I am thankful that Mike wasn't able to take me down too far. I am laughing again, singing again, dancing again and more like me everyday. Yesterday a grumpy customer came up to me and told me I have a gift and that I should keep smiling because it is hard not to smile when you see someone like me smiling and happy. He has no idea that I lost my smile last week. But I am happy to have it back.

The tear gang

2007-09-11T03:01:00.001-07:00

Just a weird moment I wanted to share. I was sitting at the computer yesterday downloading songs and I was listening to Faith Hill's " It matters to me" and the next thing I know I had two teardrops in my eyes. I was like " Woah" here we go again. I was being ganged up on by two tears. I was like " No Way, we are not doing this anymore". It was like they were trying to work together to make me cry. I am stronger now though. I wiped them away changed the song to Kelly Clarkson's " Never Again" and worked out. I can not allow myself to shed another tear for that guy. He is clearly semi psychotic and not worthy. I am " Moving On" as Rascall Flatts once said.

Monday Morning New Day

2007-09-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

I am really starting to get back to me. I realize I was duped and made a fool of. Now it is up to me to decide how much more time and energy I am going to give this man. I have given him way too much as it is.I had a great weekend and really felt like me again. I spent time w/ my family, friends and neighbors and just got to relax and be me. I didn't have to DOLL UP and be funny all day. I didn't even have to be the only one talking. It was just easy being me again. I loved it.My son and his friend told me how Mike and Mike have been talking shit about me. They know the truth and don't like what they hear but I told them not to even listen. They told the kids I threatened to kill Mike. Now anywhere in all of my scrambled writing have I threatened anyone? NO. They told the kids I am stalking the house and driving by. DONT FLATTER YOURSELF. You aren't worth the price in gas. I happen to work full time and drive my son around town full time. I just can't believe he has resorted to talking to teenagers about his life. Proves another point of why I have to see this as a blessing. He simply was not good enough for me.Well I am back on my daily schedule again today. Time to refocus on myself and work out and start putting more energy back into my life. I plan on making some new motivating Cd's and going out walking by myself, working out at home and then all of my other motherly Monday running around that I do. I will be updating still if something comes to mind. Comment if you will

Fun night out w/ friends

2007-09-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

well I had a great night out and it was well needed. Got to spend time w/some old friends who I havent seen in a while. Friends who love and appreciate me for me. Who accept my flaws and love me when I am up and when I am down. People who love me fat or trying. Love just Gwen.I had a good long talk w/ my friend BuddyLuv last night on the phone. He encourages me to keep doing better and acknowledges how far I have come. He is just great to chat w/ and connect w/. He gets me.I realize more and more each day that Mike was fun to be w/ but was never going to THE ONE. He has lived his life w/ countless woman who he can discard as nothing. He is drowning himself in a sea of pointless p@ssy and that will never amount to a lifetime of contentment. I need more, I want more and I deserve more. The heart still hurts from the betrayal but I will continue to fight back to get the part of myself back. Everyday is a new day towards a new life. He can not keep me down.

Today was a great day

2007-09-07T13:38:00.001-07:00

Well Ladies, I have to tell you I really had a great day today. I am telling you the more I write about it and talk about it the better I feel. And I also realize more and more that I was truly too good for him. I don't know why I didn't dump him first if I really think hard. He was fun to be with I can't lie. I had some really great times w/ him. And oh, the way he looked at me every time I rang the doorbell. He would open it and look at me w/ pure amazement. He would hold my face and kiss me like he meant it. Our talks were amazing and I really felt a connection. He said he couldn't believe how open and honest he was being for the first time in his life. And sex was amazing. But really after the way he has cheated and hasnt contacted me, Did it mean anything at all? If I think about it it is like it was all just fake and meant nothing. But I have a hard time believing that. I truly do. I know that obviously he isn't a nice person but the way he looked at me and the deep talks we had make it hard for me to believe I just didn't mean anything at all. I just didn't mean enough. I couldnt have done anything different. I was HONEST with him and I was there for him when he needed me. I supported him when he was stressed w/ his job and son. I was there for him and concerned when he would wake up w/ chest pains. I CARED!!! I don't know what more I could have done. I was bettering myself before I met him and it just wasn't good enough. WHY??? I will never know. I will never understand why he has done what he did. But I am slowly getting back to the real Gwen who thinks " Who gives a Fck" keep trucking Loser. Today was good. No tears. No attempts to contact him. Nothing. I am not saying I don't think about him all day and wish I had just one chance to talk to him. I am just saying I didn't shed another precious tear.I am heading to Leicester tonight to spend time w/ people who love me and appreciate me for me. I am looking forward to it.

Weight Watchers Update

2007-09-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

Today at WW I lost 3.5 lbs for a total of 45.5 lbs. Deep down I am happy and proud of myself but and want to shout but this heavy chest of sadness that I carry would not allow me. Instead I cried again, I cried for the piece of me that I let him take away. The piece of me that had great self esteem and loved herself. If I can be proud of myself and love myself why is that it just wasn't good enough for him? Maybe my best is just never going to be good enough. UUUURRRGGHH!!! I just don't understand so many things right now. I can only hope each day will get better

And this is me

2007-09-06T04:13:00.001-07:00

This is me. Simple as that.

This is him. Not smart enough to appreciate me

2007-09-06T03:02:00.001-07:00

I don't know if this will work but here he is. The liar who broke my heart.

2007-09-05T15:58:00.001-07:00

Oh yeah and it was odd and weird but so needed today. I waited on an older gentleman and his wife. After they ate their breakfast the husband came up to me and said " Can I just tell you something for a second?" and of course I said yes. He said " I just wanted to let you know that you are beautiful, and that it looked like you needed to feel good today so I wanted to stop and let you know that you ARE beautiful". I of course thanked him w/ tears in my eyes and said " Thank you so much if ever I needed to feel pretty it is now". He hugged me and away he went. Now that was a random act of kindness that made me both smile and cry.

2007-09-05T15:57:00.001-07:00

Its amazing how one day you can be made to feel gorgeous and on top of the world and the next day be torn down like an old abandoned mill. Saturday night I went to Hillcrest and was told over and over again how beautiful I looked. I couldnt have felt any better about myself. Then Sunday that feeling was gone. He was gone. My smile was gone. I want to feel beautiful again and worth something again.Somehow and for some unknown reason I was robbed of my smile on Sunday. Silently and without any just cause. The music in me died. My laughter is gone. There is silence and numbness. There is a hole in my heart.I trusted hima dn allowed myself to open up. I shared my life w/ him and he chose to only share half of his. NOt the double side where he was a liar and had someone else. Not the side that was heartless and cold.I mean where did this dumpster of a lady come from? Six weeks there was no sign when I slept over. He always answered when I called. Now the house phone has been unplugged and she answers the phone. She is the one there all the time. Was she there the whole time and I was kept in the dark?I just got home from work and UPS finally decided to drop off the birthday present I had bought for him. Bought for him because I knew he would so enjoy it. I was a thoughtful person to him. I will keep it hidden in the box in a closet so that I won't have to be reminded of what was supposed to be.

2007-09-05T15:55:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here just stewing in my disappointment. I am thinking about it all over and over again and am literally blown away by Mike Sclamo. I am so confused that I feel like I was medicated for six weeks and unable to make a rational decision. I am not looking to be validated in my feelings. These feelings are real these feelings are true. I am honest and feel like I have the right to be angry and express myself w/ words. Writing is my outlet and I need to put my feelings out there. I have put them here to share w/ my friends and others who know me so they know where I am emotionally. I have the right to be devestated. I wish I wasn't I wish all of his words were true but they were not. I am so absolutely lost right now. I felt like he was such a good prospect to spend not only my life w/ but my sons life. I have NEVER involved my son in a relationship and never will again. I have protected him from my heartaches and lost loves. I never wanted him to meet a man that would soon be gone. I did not want him to be attached to a man that just wasn't the one. But this felt so right. He already had a relationship w/ Mike prior to me meeting him. He spent many days and nites w/ him and respected him. So that was like a BONUS. I also knew his son and cared about him. Now both boys see the failure and the pain. Now both boys see a very BAD example of how a man can and does treat a woman. Very unfortunate for all of us involved except for Mike. He is living his life in fast forward and not looking back. Not taking my heart in to consideration. How is that even possible? I was raised to have empathy for others so no I don't understand how he could treat me this way without so much as one word of explanation. What did I do to deserve this? See this is what I am talking about. I try to look and see what did I do, what did I say to make him feel he could treat me this way. NOTHING... I did nothing to deserve this. I am DEVESTATED by the lack of heart on his side. I want to shake him and say look me in the eyes and tell me why. Tell me how you could do this to me and not feel any emotion. Tell me something to ease the pain in my heart. Tell me you understand why my eyes are swelled shut and my stomach aches. Tell me something. I do not know why I am in such extreme pain and I don't know any other way to get over it besides write it down. I tried so hard to be a good person and it seems like each time things are looking up for me I get shot down. I deserve more than this

My life today

2007-09-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

My life today is brutal. I haven't been able to eat or sleep in four days. Why you might ask? Because of Mike Sclamo. He pulled me in and made me trust him and believe him. The next day he was gone and he disappeared w/ another woman without a trace. No calls no nothing. Six weeks spent wasted. Wasted time. I am hurt and crushed and decided to express myself openly in the blogging world.