Satisfied Saturday

Sorry to get on so late. It has been a rough one today. It was an unexpected blast last night. Pics to follow soon as I am in Leicester for the night so I can't upload them today.

We went to the Pump House. We meaning Me, Taryl, Amy, Steve, Erica, Priscilla, Janet and her friend from Puerto Rico Norma. A not so usual crowd but a fun ass crowd to be with. We laughed, we cried, we belly danced and did the salsa. It was more fun that I thought we were going to have.

I got on the scale and the 5 lbs I gained seem to have disappeared. Not complaining just kind of baffled I guess by the whole thing. We shall see what the scale brings next week.

Tomorrow is the big walk. The donations are kicking in now at the end. I appreciate every single dollar that comes in. I will post the final donation total tomorrow. Our online donation website takes donations until October and I usually get more before that too. We shall see.

Off to share conversation with Kristen and Sandy so I will be back on tomorrow.

Rainy Friday

Well it is a dark, cold and rainy Friday here in Mass. I need some sun to pep me up over here. I hate these gloomy days.

Just a note I have updated the options in this blog so that you don't have to have an account to make comments and stuff. So feel free.

Ok so lets start off with the VERY disappointing WW meeting last night. I am trying not to dwell on the fact that I gained 5 fucking pounds. It is hard not to though considering I know the work I put in to losing weight last week. I have struggled through bigger things in life than gaining weight but lets not pretend it's not upsetting ok? It is. I will work harder at it this week and plan on making a date or two with Billy Banks and letting him kick my ass with some of his famous kicking moves. I will lose the 5 pounds next week I know it. It was a fluke. The leaders think my body was in shock from the diet and all the walking. Talk about shock you be the one on that scale looking at the numbers I have to look at. It ain't easy being me I tell ya.

Nothing new with MS or the kid to share today. It feels good to be able to take a break from the two men in my life that cause me the most stress. Tomorrow is another day. LMFAO

Most disappointing to me today is this WALK FOR DEE fundraising that I have done for the past four years. I have come to realize that it means a whole lot to me than most people. I know it is a personal thing for me and it is for DEE that I started it and will continue to do it. I know it is DEE who meant the world to me. But each year a bunch of people step up and say they want in and they want to walk and raise money for this great cause. But when it comes down to it they are full of shit. In the end there are the same couple of walkers who join in with me and help me keep Dee's spirit alive. It is those couple of people who know and love me and understand what this TRULY means to me. It isn't so much about not doing it because I know not everyone can. It is much more about saying your going to do it and then bounce when the time comes to do it. I put 11 months into gathering a team and raising money. It is countless hours of emails and phone calls to do what I do. And NO I don't need a pat on the back for what I do, I do it because I want to. But it would be nice if people were true to their word and raised the money and walked the walk. Hey you can make all the excuses in the world but most of them mean shit to me. You are only lying to yourself. Give me a break. I mean I am 100+ lbs overwieght with a bum ankle and knee. But because I am DETERMINED to do it I push pass the pain. Walking 5 miles in the rain isn't my idea of fun believe me. But in the end raising money for Cancer Research is the purpose. Too many lives have been touched by cancer not to want to join in and make a difference. Thank you to those of you who have either raised money, are walking or both. Every penny counts and will make a difference in the lives of many. To those of you who again have showed your weakness as a person. Good luck on all of the other efforts you put in. I know I will be there and I will be there until I can't walk or push a wheelchair. My life has forever been changed by Cancer and the lives that have been lost or continue to struggle. I want to leave this earth knowing I did something for someone other than myself. Again thank to the dedicated few who stand beside me and walk with me. It means the world to me.

Tonight is a night out at PUMP IT with some girls from work to celebrate Taryl's birthday. Anyone who knows me knows I love to go out. I am not looking forward to tonight because nothing good will come of it. This is not the place to go and dance, chat and meet new people. It is a dark watering hole where you go when you don't feel good about yourself but look better standing next to the people who actually do like it there. YUCK I have to go but don't want to believe me. I will fill you all in later.

Thirsty Thursday

Hey everyone it's me yet again. Not too much happened yesterday in general. I sent the kid to school to prove a point that if you stay out late you still have to face your responsibilities in the morning. He went but the principal called to let me know he was reallly sick, had a fever and everything. Hmmm, can't really fake a fever can ya? Well, he will be staying home today to get better. In my eyes its simply to get better but I think he is like " Shit man, it's almost the weekend". Its amazing how differently teenagers think huh?

Well work was busy. It was a half day of school so I was slinging more burgers and chicken tenders than normal. Not anything to stress about though. Just another day behind a hot sweaty grill. LOL

Tonight is Weight Watchers night and anyone who knows me knows I stress out EVERY single time I have to go to a meeting and face the scale. The scale is kind to me but not before it barks at me and shows it's shiny fangs. I fear that fucking thing I really do. I ate reasonably well this week considering there is not a whole lot of healthy food in this house. I walked over 15 miles this week so far and it's only Thursday. I've drank enough water to fill the Hoover Dam. But I feel bloated and fat and HONESTLY the scale has not moved either up or down. Sometimes it feels hopeless. I am tempted to put the scale off for a week and just go next Thursday but what does that prove? I can only do so much I tell ya. We will see what today brings.

I need to vent about this FUCKING urge to smoke the CANCER filled nicotine sticks that I am so in need of. I crave them in the worse way. More than food or sex. I want to put that nasty stick against my lips, light the lighter and inhale the first puff. Ahhhhhh, that would be so good right now. Am I being unrealistic in the sense that I think I can lose weight, him and quit smoking all at the same time? Fuck I want a smoke.

Well, I am off to take a shower and go to work. I am in heavy PMS mode and feel like I am on the verge of a psycho outburst. I may need to find a smoke from one of the girls at work. I will be back on later after work and WW to fill you in. Wish me luck I need it. LOL

Back to the realities of slinging burgers. LOL

Well today is Wednesday which means I am going to be slinging eggs and burgers for 11 hours today. I type it with misery but truly it doesn't matter to me. I have been doing it off and on for 20 years so it is like second nature. If I wasn't doing the shit at work I would be doing it at home while not getting paid.

I stay at this job because my son continues to test me everyday. Meaning there are days I have to leave work on the drop of the dime to go get him. We have court dates and all the other appointments that go with it. This job allows me to do this and keep a paycheck every week. All of my other jobs which were so called " Family Friendly" smiled at first with understanding eyes and then almost instantly they were done with the whole thing. Well fuck that Family First assholes. You do what you have to do right?

Well I went walking with crazy Amy yesterday. We did 4.6 miles of hilly shit. It felt like 10 miles if you ask me. We walked through two towns and back mostly all up hill. When we did approach a huge hill to go down I was hoping a gust of wind would come and push my fat ass down it. But I like the burn at the end of a good walk like that. I never think I can do it and when I approach a hill I tell myself it is ok to turn around and go back. But having a friend with you to encourage you makes it easier. Thanks to Amy for that.

The kid snuck out while I was walking and didn't call for a ride until 1 am. No consideration for the fact that I have to get up at five to work and pay the bills. He better get his ass up in a little while and get to school. He is like an AA meeting one day at a time. When I went to the school yesterday for a quick meeting they sang all praises about him passing the MCAS test and how he had such an amazing day. That I guess made him believe it would be ok to do whatever he wanted when he got home. We shall see. I will not be leaving work early this week to pick him up if he is tired and acts out. He can wait outside till his bus comes or better yet walk the 8 miles home. We will see my friends.

Well I am off to work for now. We shall see what excitement today brings. I am hoping for all good things. I will try to stay focused on the future and positive things. I will try to remember the good things and let the bad things fade.

I will try to get back on later. If not I will be back sooner or later. LOL

Donation for Walk for Dee 2008

Many of you may not know that I am the team leader for team Walk for Dee. This will be our fourth year walking as part of Umass Medical Centers Walk for a Cure.

We are in desperate need of donations this year. Times are hard and people are struggeling financially. I understand that believe me but we still need to stick together and fight this fight against cancer.

If you are able to donate please check out the following online donation form our team has. Either way please try to spred the word. The walk is this Sunday 09/28/08 in Worcester, Ma.

http://www.firstgiving.com/gwendolynbultron2

HOLY SHIT it's been 9 whole months I could have had a baby

WOW I thought I was going to let the whole blogging thing go but now I remember how good it felt to express myself and share it all in words.

Let me start by saying I could have simply deleted this blog and created a new one but there are so many things in the old part that are part of what I still deal with today. Seconds pass, minutes pass but memories last forever and don't go away with time. Screw it, it all happened so lets just move on and keep going.

I don't know if I can go all the way back over 9 months but from time to time I am sure I will need a line or two to reflect on things that have passed.

I know right off the top of the list I want to share that I had the best summer ever this year. I tried my best to release stresses from the past and move forward. I went to Cancun for my sisters wedding, the Cape a few times with family and friends and just really lived an active life really.

I sang, I danced, I laughed and most of all I lived. I tried to express this to my friends and invited them to embrace the life we were given. Most of them did just that. Any day now this life could be taken from us so why not live this life now?

There are too many days and too many moments where we are forced to deal with the stress and strife of life. Too many times we have to spend worrying. So fuck that. When I am given a moment of peace and quiet I want to LIVE. There will always be bills, I will always have a child, I will always have an oversized extended family with problems. I will always, always have something to worry about. But I do not want to dwell on all of it all of the time. It will age and kill me. If not it will kill my aura. I do not want to be a dark cloud I want to be a bright light. This is what I will stuggle with everyday.

Lets see what is bothering me today. It's a boring ole cold ass Tuesday here in Massachusetts. I am craving a cigarette in the worst way ( gave them up 9 weeks ago unless drunk LOL), I am wanting to over eat and binge eat on nasty ass fried food ( on WW yet again, lost 6lbs last week) and I want to allow myself to wallow in self pity for taking asshole MIKE SCLAMO back (only to see the truth this time). I should be outside walking 5 miles listening to my Ipod. I should be vacuuming, doing dishes, looking for a second job, showering and so much more. But I am not. I simply DONT WANT TO. This house is quiet which is rare and I want to sit here and blog so that is exactly what I am going to do. Fuck everyone else and all of their demands.

Wow that sounds angry huh? Not really simply over stressed. No smokes and no fatty food can do this to a girl like me. Never mind the lack of sleep.

I will share the SCLAMO drama with you first since it is in the forefront of my mind at this very second. An exact year had gone by since the last dramatic exit of this creep. I guess it was the twelve months that had passed that had allowed me to forget the FUCKING HELL I went through before. I had seen him in passing at our sons school and even shared some words with him at Walmart. But it was recently like 5 weeks ago that I let the asshole back into my world.
I will not lie and say I didn't know it was going to end again the same exact way it did last year. I know in my heart of hearts he is what he is. But I allowed myself to miss him and most of all I allowed myself to love him again. It hurts but I will not go down like I did last year. I will not suffer. Yes my mind drifts back to him frequently which annoys me. But there are little to no tears this time. The tears that have been shed are in disappointment with myself for allowing myself to believe his lies. Long story short he lied. His kid let the cat out of the bag. He is with the ex Cindy again. No biggie I say. I would rather know now than later. I guess in a way the last month or so were both validating and a sense of closure I didn't get last year. I was thrown for a loss last year without explanation. I get it now. I am NOT angry with him. I actually will always care for him but most importantly I will always hope that he gets the help he needs. I did let Cindy know about his infedelity this year. I didn't last year but I think she deserves to know. She did listen and believe me but I think after 13 yrs off and on with him she will continue to deal with the lies rather than be without him. I myself will NEVER go back. I will NEVER be there for him. NEVER AGAIN as Kelly Clarkson sings about.

My son continues to lead himself on a path of self destruction. I have tried over the last two years or so to guide him and save him. You simply can not save someone from themselves. People may not get what I am saying and may disagree with my ways of parenting but OH FUCKING WELL. Unless you have cried the tears and had the sleepless nights worrying about where your child is, whether your child is alive , on drugs or all the other things teenagers do, You will NEVER understand. And believe me I would not wish these years on anyone. Being a mother of a troubled child is exhausting. I know friends and family who would rather cover up the truth of this subject rather than deal with it and let others know the struggles. I am open about it and most of all I am HONEST about it. My son is the greatest love as well as the greatest heartbreak of my life. I have never given up on him. I have worked tirelessly with schools, doctors, shrinks and outside agencies to try to get him the help he needed. As of today I have basically been fighting this fight alone. I am exhausted and overwhelmed at what today might face. With him it is something new everyday. I will let you know how today goes. As of today he has been acting out in school again, staying out late and whatever else he would never tell. I try to find the answers but teenagers just arent that honest in case you didn't know.

Well, I think I should find something constructive to do for now. I will get back to you later. Share a comment if you will.

Two months have passed

Well where do I start it has been two months since I have updated and WOW my life really is in a downward spiral. I try and try and still it turns to shit. I am just hoping 2008 is a turnaround for me. I got a new job this year and was let go fo NO KNOWN REASON. Even the girl I trained w/ was lost when they let me go. But to be honest the job SUCKED worse than a HOOVER. It was a business or so they called it. There was a male owner who was secretly dating the female owner. Yeah big secret!!! This is a small town and his wife is a teacher in town and we all know she is going through a divorce. Then her son and daughter worked there or lets say sat there and got paid to leach off of their mother. There was one actual sales guy who went out and actually did something w/ his day and brought in business. And the daughter in law who was my trainer. She was the only one who preformed any duties all day and the poor thing was the go to girl who everyone went to. She was there less than everyone else but held the most knowledge. And one other girl who I liked but she simply was burnt out on the job and had no motivation. All in all the job was not really a job. I watched people do personal shit all day and shop on line in a HIGHLY addictive manner. Their loss not mine is all I can say. But truly what kind of person lets someone go four days before Christmas???? NOt a good character trait if you ask me. That is why I am pissed. WTF I have bills to pay and there are no jobs out there right now. I am going to attempt to apply for unemployment for now until I can find something but if they fight it I WILL FREAK OUT. I will expose the secrets that are within those little walls. The disgusting way the owner talks to the girls and much more.
I have been depressed so of course my natural course of action is to overeat. But then when I gain the weight I am more depressed. Just can't win over here. WTF again. Well I am going to do some job searching and then I will update again. There is alot more to type believe me