Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Not such a great afternoon

The meeting at my son's school was less than perfect. The afternoon trying to explain things to his overbearing less than understanding grandmother was worse. If any of you have ever met my mother you will understand what I am saying. The boy can do no wrong in her eyes. It is all about the whole world is out to get him and has done him wrong. Hmmm, why didn't I realize that too? This could have been a lot easier the past two years. I must have just wanted to make it harder on MYSELF and struggle with being a mother. She is so smart, I have to try to learn more from her I tell ya. Her excuses may just be the reason he is the way he is. Everyone is out to get her poor little defenseless grandson. It couldn't be that he has rebelled and refused to conform to any type of rules and guidlines. Man, I have way to much to learn in one afternoon from this wise woman. I have a headache and need to lay down but I will try to get back on later to explain if not I will be on in the am.

GOD give me the strength I tell ya

Early morning Tuesday thoughts

It's just a typical Tuesday morning for me. I am up and at em way too early. I am not much of a sleeper I would say. I go to bed early and doze off and on until around 5 a.m and then HERE I AM World. LOL

I wish I could sleep, I wish I could rest soundly without the weight of the world on my shoulders. There is just constantly someone needing something from me or something that needs to be done and it appears only I can do it. What about this??? Sometimes I need a break too.

I can't always be the best mother, best daughter, best sister, best aunt or best friend. Sometimes I just need to be alone and be free from the stress and shit the outside world brings. I actually enjoy being alone at times. I like to listen to music and reflect on things. I am a thinker although sometimes and over thinker. I need peace in order to process and prioritze things in my life. I don't need constant stimulation and conversation. I just need a moment. I feel like when I try to take a moment there are others who can't accept it and need me to be talking to them, sitting with them or explaining things to them. Sometimes I just need my alone time.

At this moment I would love to be on the beach or the balcony of a hotel on the beach. I want to be alone listening to the ocean. No thoughts no worries. Just time. No hurry. Just relax and reflect. I wouldn't mind the sound of some music in the background as I close my eyes and RELAX by myself. This is where I would like to be. Where would you like to be?

Well today is one of those days where I wake up stressed beyond belief. My arm numb, head banging and need to work things out quickly. I have to process things clearly and be on my toes. I am sure I will be back on later to vent some more.

Hope your morning is going better than mine.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Monday Morning Reflections

Well today is Monday and I have just gotten off the scale and want to strangle myself for the self abusive overeating I have allowed myself over the weekend. I think to myself that if I workout and walk everyday the buffalo wings and shit I eat won't effect my weight loss. Man sometimes I can really manipulate my own thinking. Now I have four days to catch up on everything and lose some weight. I have already done multiple sets of upper body with my 5lb dumb bells. I have Tai Bo in the VCR ready to go. I just wanted to finish blogging and updating all of my emails and webpages. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I am an ass.

Well the walk went better than I expected. We raised more money than last year. That is a great thing considering how slow it all started and ended. I put 10 months into fundraising for Walk for Dee a year and every single year people step up in the beginning and say they are walking , raising money or both. But in the end it is never those people who are there in the end. Except for Kristen and Tracy who walk every year. But surprisingly this year Jessica Rondeau and Kim Jacques joined me. Also my two neices Jessica and Michelle joined in and brought some friends. I think everyone was excited to have accomplished this. They all had smiles on their faces and I believe they will be back next year ready to go. I appreciate it all the spirit was better than ever thanks to the teens. Jay and Taryl did a great job too. We shall see if they will be back next year. LOL We did have a few suspicious people who told us they were raising money and training for the walk and didn't show up. I HOPE they have the morals and respect to submit the money they raised to the walk to cure cancer and DO NOT keep it. This would be a TRUE disappointment to say the least. Many people pull from the bottom of their pockets to be able to donate to our team. And if anyone has raised money with the intention on keeping it for themselves PLEASE do the right thing. This is a BAD reflection on our team. There are a lot of honest people out there so I have faith that our team will do the right thing. At least the ones I walk with. Thanks to everyone again who donated or walked.

My son is a pain in the ass still. He asked for a ride to Worcester and I asked him 10 times if he had a ride home. Over and over with frustration he said he did. He acts like I am the asshole for not believing him and asking over and over. Well the truth was he didn't have a ride and called me in the middle of my walk saying he was stranded and needed a ride. TOO BAD. Sometimes these teenagers need to see what consequenses there are to their lies. I was busy and not all that worried to be honest. He got lucky and his grandmother went to get him. I hope this kid starts to figure out that he needs to fly straight and start doing something positive with his life. I can only do so much for him but I refuse to give in to his every beck and call. I have my own life that he has continued to effect in not such a positive way. I still have to live and work and do things for others. He needs to really take a second to see that there is more to life than his selfish ways. Tomorrow we have a meeting at school to discuss all kinds of things. I will fill you in after that.

Well I really have to get dressed and work out with Billy Banks. I feel like a fat ass and need to punish myself for what I did this weekend. Talk to you soon my friends

Walk for Dee 2008 completed

Team Walk for Dee completed the five mile walk to Cure Cancer at Umass Medical Center in Worcester, Ma. yesterday.

Thank you Jessica Rondeau, Kim Jacques, Jeremy Pepin, Michelle Pepin, Michele Borowski, Jonnie Biffle, Jessica Durling, Tracy Spencer, Taryl Myers and Kristen Edwards for walking as part of my team this year.

This years team total of $1856 was better than last years total of $1598 so that in itself is a great accomplishment. Every dollar counts and with a great support team anything is possible. We still have donations rolling in over the next couple of weeks from people who were unable to attend or donate as of yet. The below mentioned website is open to except donations until November 30th 2008 and we hope this will bring in additional donations as well.

Again, thank you all for your donations and to all of you who chose to walk as part of my team. Bigger and better things happen each year.


Gwen Bultron

Team Leader

Walk for Dee

Pictures from Taryls Birthday nite out 8.26.8

Here are a few pics from the night out. It was fun and I loved it. There are more pics but this takes too long. LOL

Sunday, September 28, 2008

So its Sunday

So it's Sunday here in Massachusetts and I am up just not all that on the go. My back aches, my head aches and my wheel aches (my leg) I am a bloody mess over here. LOL

Needless to say the walk is ahead of us today and like always people continue to back out at the last minute. I will be walking and like I said before the few dedicated friends will be there.

I am trying to wake up to and forge ahead over here but in my head I just want to go back on the couch and watch tv. This is the kind of cold and damp weather where you just want to snuggle up and watch tv.

Off I go for now. Be back later when I get home and can upload pics and other stuff.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Satisfied Saturday

Sorry to get on so late. It has been a rough one today. It was an unexpected blast last night. Pics to follow soon as I am in Leicester for the night so I can't upload them today.

We went to the Pump House. We meaning Me, Taryl, Amy, Steve, Erica, Priscilla, Janet and her friend from Puerto Rico Norma. A not so usual crowd but a fun ass crowd to be with. We laughed, we cried, we belly danced and did the salsa. It was more fun that I thought we were going to have.

I got on the scale and the 5 lbs I gained seem to have disappeared. Not complaining just kind of baffled I guess by the whole thing. We shall see what the scale brings next week.

Tomorrow is the big walk. The donations are kicking in now at the end. I appreciate every single dollar that comes in. I will post the final donation total tomorrow. Our online donation website takes donations until October and I usually get more before that too. We shall see.

Off to share conversation with Kristen and Sandy so I will be back on tomorrow.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Rainy Friday

Well it is a dark, cold and rainy Friday here in Mass. I need some sun to pep me up over here. I hate these gloomy days.

Just a note I have updated the options in this blog so that you don't have to have an account to make comments and stuff. So feel free.

Ok so lets start off with the VERY disappointing WW meeting last night. I am trying not to dwell on the fact that I gained 5 fucking pounds. It is hard not to though considering I know the work I put in to losing weight last week. I have struggled through bigger things in life than gaining weight but lets not pretend it's not upsetting ok? It is. I will work harder at it this week and plan on making a date or two with Billy Banks and letting him kick my ass with some of his famous kicking moves. I will lose the 5 pounds next week I know it. It was a fluke. The leaders think my body was in shock from the diet and all the walking. Talk about shock you be the one on that scale looking at the numbers I have to look at. It ain't easy being me I tell ya.

Nothing new with MS or the kid to share today. It feels good to be able to take a break from the two men in my life that cause me the most stress. Tomorrow is another day. LMFAO

Most disappointing to me today is this WALK FOR DEE fundraising that I have done for the past four years. I have come to realize that it means a whole lot to me than most people. I know it is a personal thing for me and it is for DEE that I started it and will continue to do it. I know it is DEE who meant the world to me. But each year a bunch of people step up and say they want in and they want to walk and raise money for this great cause. But when it comes down to it they are full of shit. In the end there are the same couple of walkers who join in with me and help me keep Dee's spirit alive. It is those couple of people who know and love me and understand what this TRULY means to me. It isn't so much about not doing it because I know not everyone can. It is much more about saying your going to do it and then bounce when the time comes to do it. I put 11 months into gathering a team and raising money. It is countless hours of emails and phone calls to do what I do. And NO I don't need a pat on the back for what I do, I do it because I want to. But it would be nice if people were true to their word and raised the money and walked the walk. Hey you can make all the excuses in the world but most of them mean shit to me. You are only lying to yourself. Give me a break. I mean I am 100+ lbs overwieght with a bum ankle and knee. But because I am DETERMINED to do it I push pass the pain. Walking 5 miles in the rain isn't my idea of fun believe me. But in the end raising money for Cancer Research is the purpose. Too many lives have been touched by cancer not to want to join in and make a difference. Thank you to those of you who have either raised money, are walking or both. Every penny counts and will make a difference in the lives of many. To those of you who again have showed your weakness as a person. Good luck on all of the other efforts you put in. I know I will be there and I will be there until I can't walk or push a wheelchair. My life has forever been changed by Cancer and the lives that have been lost or continue to struggle. I want to leave this earth knowing I did something for someone other than myself. Again thank to the dedicated few who stand beside me and walk with me. It means the world to me.

Tonight is a night out at PUMP IT with some girls from work to celebrate Taryl's birthday. Anyone who knows me knows I love to go out. I am not looking forward to tonight because nothing good will come of it. This is not the place to go and dance, chat and meet new people. It is a dark watering hole where you go when you don't feel good about yourself but look better standing next to the people who actually do like it there. YUCK I have to go but don't want to believe me. I will fill you all in later.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thirsty Thursday

Hey everyone it's me yet again. Not too much happened yesterday in general. I sent the kid to school to prove a point that if you stay out late you still have to face your responsibilities in the morning. He went but the principal called to let me know he was reallly sick, had a fever and everything. Hmmm, can't really fake a fever can ya? Well, he will be staying home today to get better. In my eyes its simply to get better but I think he is like " Shit man, it's almost the weekend". Its amazing how differently teenagers think huh?

Well work was busy. It was a half day of school so I was slinging more burgers and chicken tenders than normal. Not anything to stress about though. Just another day behind a hot sweaty grill. LOL

Tonight is Weight Watchers night and anyone who knows me knows I stress out EVERY single time I have to go to a meeting and face the scale. The scale is kind to me but not before it barks at me and shows it's shiny fangs. I fear that fucking thing I really do. I ate reasonably well this week considering there is not a whole lot of healthy food in this house. I walked over 15 miles this week so far and it's only Thursday. I've drank enough water to fill the Hoover Dam. But I feel bloated and fat and HONESTLY the scale has not moved either up or down. Sometimes it feels hopeless. I am tempted to put the scale off for a week and just go next Thursday but what does that prove? I can only do so much I tell ya. We will see what today brings.

I need to vent about this FUCKING urge to smoke the CANCER filled nicotine sticks that I am so in need of. I crave them in the worse way. More than food or sex. I want to put that nasty stick against my lips, light the lighter and inhale the first puff. Ahhhhhh, that would be so good right now. Am I being unrealistic in the sense that I think I can lose weight, him and quit smoking all at the same time? Fuck I want a smoke.

Well, I am off to take a shower and go to work. I am in heavy PMS mode and feel like I am on the verge of a psycho outburst. I may need to find a smoke from one of the girls at work. I will be back on later after work and WW to fill you in. Wish me luck I need it. LOL

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Back to the realities of slinging burgers. LOL

Well today is Wednesday which means I am going to be slinging eggs and burgers for 11 hours today. I type it with misery but truly it doesn't matter to me. I have been doing it off and on for 20 years so it is like second nature. If I wasn't doing the shit at work I would be doing it at home while not getting paid.

I stay at this job because my son continues to test me everyday. Meaning there are days I have to leave work on the drop of the dime to go get him. We have court dates and all the other appointments that go with it. This job allows me to do this and keep a paycheck every week. All of my other jobs which were so called " Family Friendly" smiled at first with understanding eyes and then almost instantly they were done with the whole thing. Well fuck that Family First assholes. You do what you have to do right?

Well I went walking with crazy Amy yesterday. We did 4.6 miles of hilly shit. It felt like 10 miles if you ask me. We walked through two towns and back mostly all up hill. When we did approach a huge hill to go down I was hoping a gust of wind would come and push my fat ass down it. But I like the burn at the end of a good walk like that. I never think I can do it and when I approach a hill I tell myself it is ok to turn around and go back. But having a friend with you to encourage you makes it easier. Thanks to Amy for that.

The kid snuck out while I was walking and didn't call for a ride until 1 am. No consideration for the fact that I have to get up at five to work and pay the bills. He better get his ass up in a little while and get to school. He is like an AA meeting one day at a time. When I went to the school yesterday for a quick meeting they sang all praises about him passing the MCAS test and how he had such an amazing day. That I guess made him believe it would be ok to do whatever he wanted when he got home. We shall see. I will not be leaving work early this week to pick him up if he is tired and acts out. He can wait outside till his bus comes or better yet walk the 8 miles home. We will see my friends.

Well I am off to work for now. We shall see what excitement today brings. I am hoping for all good things. I will try to stay focused on the future and positive things. I will try to remember the good things and let the bad things fade.

I will try to get back on later. If not I will be back sooner or later. LOL

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Donation for Walk for Dee 2008

Many of you may not know that I am the team leader for team Walk for Dee. This will be our fourth year walking as part of Umass Medical Centers Walk for a Cure.

We are in desperate need of donations this year. Times are hard and people are struggeling financially. I understand that believe me but we still need to stick together and fight this fight against cancer.

If you are able to donate please check out the following online donation form our team has. Either way please try to spred the word. The walk is this Sunday 09/28/08 in Worcester, Ma.


HOLY SHIT it's been 9 whole months I could have had a baby

WOW I thought I was going to let the whole blogging thing go but now I remember how good it felt to express myself and share it all in words.

Let me start by saying I could have simply deleted this blog and created a new one but there are so many things in the old part that are part of what I still deal with today. Seconds pass, minutes pass but memories last forever and don't go away with time. Screw it, it all happened so lets just move on and keep going.

I don't know if I can go all the way back over 9 months but from time to time I am sure I will need a line or two to reflect on things that have passed.

I know right off the top of the list I want to share that I had the best summer ever this year. I tried my best to release stresses from the past and move forward. I went to Cancun for my sisters wedding, the Cape a few times with family and friends and just really lived an active life really.

I sang, I danced, I laughed and most of all I lived. I tried to express this to my friends and invited them to embrace the life we were given. Most of them did just that. Any day now this life could be taken from us so why not live this life now?

There are too many days and too many moments where we are forced to deal with the stress and strife of life. Too many times we have to spend worrying. So fuck that. When I am given a moment of peace and quiet I want to LIVE. There will always be bills, I will always have a child, I will always have an oversized extended family with problems. I will always, always have something to worry about. But I do not want to dwell on all of it all of the time. It will age and kill me. If not it will kill my aura. I do not want to be a dark cloud I want to be a bright light. This is what I will stuggle with everyday.

Lets see what is bothering me today. It's a boring ole cold ass Tuesday here in Massachusetts. I am craving a cigarette in the worst way ( gave them up 9 weeks ago unless drunk LOL), I am wanting to over eat and binge eat on nasty ass fried food ( on WW yet again, lost 6lbs last week) and I want to allow myself to wallow in self pity for taking asshole MIKE SCLAMO back (only to see the truth this time). I should be outside walking 5 miles listening to my Ipod. I should be vacuuming, doing dishes, looking for a second job, showering and so much more. But I am not. I simply DONT WANT TO. This house is quiet which is rare and I want to sit here and blog so that is exactly what I am going to do. Fuck everyone else and all of their demands.

Wow that sounds angry huh? Not really simply over stressed. No smokes and no fatty food can do this to a girl like me. Never mind the lack of sleep.

I will share the SCLAMO drama with you first since it is in the forefront of my mind at this very second. An exact year had gone by since the last dramatic exit of this creep. I guess it was the twelve months that had passed that had allowed me to forget the FUCKING HELL I went through before. I had seen him in passing at our sons school and even shared some words with him at Walmart. But it was recently like 5 weeks ago that I let the asshole back into my world.
I will not lie and say I didn't know it was going to end again the same exact way it did last year. I know in my heart of hearts he is what he is. But I allowed myself to miss him and most of all I allowed myself to love him again. It hurts but I will not go down like I did last year. I will not suffer. Yes my mind drifts back to him frequently which annoys me. But there are little to no tears this time. The tears that have been shed are in disappointment with myself for allowing myself to believe his lies. Long story short he lied. His kid let the cat out of the bag. He is with the ex Cindy again. No biggie I say. I would rather know now than later. I guess in a way the last month or so were both validating and a sense of closure I didn't get last year. I was thrown for a loss last year without explanation. I get it now. I am NOT angry with him. I actually will always care for him but most importantly I will always hope that he gets the help he needs. I did let Cindy know about his infedelity this year. I didn't last year but I think she deserves to know. She did listen and believe me but I think after 13 yrs off and on with him she will continue to deal with the lies rather than be without him. I myself will NEVER go back. I will NEVER be there for him. NEVER AGAIN as Kelly Clarkson sings about.

My son continues to lead himself on a path of self destruction. I have tried over the last two years or so to guide him and save him. You simply can not save someone from themselves. People may not get what I am saying and may disagree with my ways of parenting but OH FUCKING WELL. Unless you have cried the tears and had the sleepless nights worrying about where your child is, whether your child is alive , on drugs or all the other things teenagers do, You will NEVER understand. And believe me I would not wish these years on anyone. Being a mother of a troubled child is exhausting. I know friends and family who would rather cover up the truth of this subject rather than deal with it and let others know the struggles. I am open about it and most of all I am HONEST about it. My son is the greatest love as well as the greatest heartbreak of my life. I have never given up on him. I have worked tirelessly with schools, doctors, shrinks and outside agencies to try to get him the help he needed. As of today I have basically been fighting this fight alone. I am exhausted and overwhelmed at what today might face. With him it is something new everyday. I will let you know how today goes. As of today he has been acting out in school again, staying out late and whatever else he would never tell. I try to find the answers but teenagers just arent that honest in case you didn't know.

Well, I think I should find something constructive to do for now. I will get back to you later. Share a comment if you will.