Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Talk to you soon
Thursday, December 18, 2008
" I would have chosen love differently"
There is a week till Christmas and all the pretending I have done to get in the spirit just isn't cutting it. I am broke. I am tired. I am stressed.
I read an article in my local newspaper where a man drove to a grocery store parking lot and took a gun and ended his life. They say he was recently unemployed and had a breakup. They also said that the influx of suicide attempt calls has greatly increased. This is sad I tell ya. But believe me I am far from even the thought of attempting suicide. I just think it is so sad that people are that stressed out. People struggling and giving up. I understand their stress and feel bad for their families. Times are tough. But I have to believe they will get better.
I try everyday when I get up to think of positive things and happy thoughts. Think of things that bring a smile to my face. But some mornings it just isn't that easy. But if you do look around, listen to other peoples stories and read the news you will see people have it much worse. I will keep pushing my thought process through the negative moments. I have to. I will get through this.
On a more positive note, I traveled to Connecticut with my sister yesterday to watch my neice play in a basketball tournament at Loomis Chaffee. They lost but it was still exciting to watch her play the game she loves so much. That brings a smile to my face :)
I received a nice positive email last night from my sons school saying how well he is doing and how impressed they are. I am always happy when I open an email from them and it is filled with positive words and not those oh so negative words that I am used to. That is looking up. He may finally be getting it together.
Well I am off to work. I have one other post that I will be posting but want it to be seperate. If anyone has something to share let me know.
I hope everyone else is doing ok and getting through the tough times.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
I remember way back when , back to the times when Christmas had a meaning and it was full of laughter and fun. Ok, so maybe I was only a child who still believed in Santa Claus. Young enough to have imagined him not sliding down the chimney since we lived in a three decker in the city. But him using the magic key that my mother hung on the front door. I used to wait up and attempt to keep my eyes open until he arrived. I never did catch him. I remember all of the extended family going to my grandparents and just simply enjoying our time together. Laughing, Singing and exchanging gifts. People were poor back then and the gifts weren't extravagant. But the gifts were either bought or made with you in mind. Gifts given out of love. Oh how simple those times were. I remember having my first job as a teenager and the pure joy of being able to go out and buy gifts for others. Nobody expected them or demanded them. They were simple happy to receive something out of love and consideration. Then the days when my son was young. He loved Christmas the same way I did. Wide eyed and ready to go first thing in the morning. It was fun to buy for him back then. Thomas the Tank Engine , Barney and all the other great things he loved. They were cheap. I could afford them. He loved them.
Christmas to me this year and for a few years past have become demanding, stressful and highly overrated. The meaning of Christmas is highly distorted now a days. Most people are struggling to get by but are forced to steal from Peter to pay Paul only to borrow from Mary to buy gifts. Children are trying to keep up with their friends and now want high priced video systems, cell phones and other electronic devices. Then they get them and you don't see that light around them, any joy in their eyes. It has become about the price tag of things and keeping up with the Jone's. I would prefer handmade gifts if any. No gifts are fine too. (*EXCEPT FOR YOU KRISTEN). I know times are hard and people are struggling to feed their families and pay the bills. People are trying to keep afloat during this economic crisis. I GET IT.... I am right there with you ...........LOL
So Christmas 2008 has become exactly this for me. Stressful and overwhelming. I have decorated the house in the effort to find the Christmas spirit that I have lost. I have played the music and even hummed a tune. But it is a struggle to pretend I am excited about finding $$$ to buy gifts for people. Not because in most cases I have to. But I want to. I am a giver. I love to buy gifts for the important people in my life. I buy gifts with meaning and people know I have put the thought and effort into getting them something that means something. But this year I am handing out:
Gift wrapped boxes full of stress, debt, panic, anxiety and frustration. I am giving them with love and a sense of hope. I hope if I can pass them on and then you pass them on none of us will have to hold on to them long enough to let them bother us. These are gifts worth re gifting. At some point once a gift has been re gifted too many times it gets thrown away. So these are my gifts to you. Sorry to have to share them with you. Fill them up with your matching gifts and pass them on. Lets hope UPS loses these boxes and 2009 brings a fresh start.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Now lets talk about Thanksgiving. I am so over family holidays. I am sure if you have a some what normal family it is fun and all that other shit. But when you have a family such as mine it is nothing but drama and stress. My sister came from NH with her three kids. Teenagers who have NO discipline and NO respect. They broke our couch from running on it, deleted my ENTIRE playlist on the computer, one of the boys stole from Guitar Center and bragged about it. The list could go on and on but it hurts my chest still to talk about it. The worse part is my sister says " Too bad, Suck it up". Guess what YOU SUCK IT UP. I raised my son. He wasn't always good but I disciplined him and attempted to correct his behaviors. I did the work, the doctors appointment, the therapist and all the other things that needed to be done to keep him straight. Don't just sit back and let your kids dominate you and control you. And most of all teach them to respect others. If they act up at home thats one thing but they should at least have enough respect to act correctly when they are visiting others. WHAT the FUCK?? Oh yeah one of the boys had the nerve to pull his leg back and kick my mother. Are you kidding me??? You go suck it up and take your kids home where they can break your shit and disrespect you. We don't need it here we have enough to deal with. And she had the nerve to tell my mother she had been holding her tounge. Hold your tongue and hold the gas peddle down as you drive out of state.
Work is sucky right now. Because of the financial crisis that this country is in people simply can't afford to eat out and waste the money. Therefore my hours have been cut right before Christmas. I barely make enough to get by week to week and now they cut my hours. What a fun Christmas this is going to be.
Things could be worse I get. I have gotten through worse. I am a survivor right?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sara Bareilles Gravity lyrics
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
CHORUS Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
CHORUS Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. I live here on my knees as
I Try to make you see that you're Everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I Can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me downYou're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeahYou're onto me, onto me and all overSomething always brings me back to youIt never takes too long
The weekend in Watertown was a blast to say the least. However my son got into the camera and deleted the pictures again. The things he does amaze me always. But anyway we went to Buff's Pub in Newton on Friday and had drinks with Danielle's client Sarah. She was unexpected but fun to be around. It is always interesting to meet new people and hear their stories. Annie the waitress is always pleasant and finds a way to get me some tequila. Love that girl Annie. LOL
Saturday Danielle and I drove down to Tabor Academy in Marion, Ma. to watch my niece scrimmage agains the Navy Prep. It was great to finally see her throwing the ball. It has been a while since I have been able to watch her play the game she loves so much. Tabor was so beautiful. It is Cape style buildings on the water and boasts of all the amenities a teen cool ask for. Shanise always been Shanise informs me that there are pot smoking whores there. LMFAO. She is funny I tell ya. Then at night we all sat around and had some buffalo dip and watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was a quiet night but still fun. Sunday Shanise and I drove into Cambridge and did some grocery shopping. I made them all some spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. When Danielle came upstairs from the gym she was savoring the smell since that is not a normal thing around there. Baked Chicken yes, Pasta no. Pasta Bad. LOL We all loved it and sat around and watch the Patriots blow away the Dolphins and then we watched the AMA's. I am sure I missed some excitement along the way but it was fun and I extended my vacation an extra day and came home Monday morning.
Work sucks right now. There are people there that can't mind their own business and do their jobs so the rest of us now have to suffer. It is like being in grade school and I am so done with that. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and just say "shut the fuck up and cut some fucking vegetables you methodone using BITCH". Ooops see I had to type it since I can't just go around screaming that in work. But really for 20 yrs I have worked there and it has never been so tense. People are starting to melt down and I will soon be forced back into a cubicle world to avoid it.
The ex texted me on Sunday and then called only to say he HONESTLY missed me. Honesty is a word that is completely foreign to him so I don't even know who taught him that so that he could use it. We had this BULLSHIT conversation about he was sorry and he had untied issues and they were resolved now. Well needless to say he hasn't texted or called again. I was in a Dither as I like to call it. I was back in bed feeling like I was suffocating and all that other shit that comes along w/ being involved with him. I was questioning God on why he would keep bringing him back into my life and testing me. I don't want to be tested. He is my weakness. He is my temptation. But above all he is my ILLNESS. He is the disease that I fight so hard to find a cure for. And everytime I am feeling better and moving on he appears. WHY?
Well I am off to work for the WHOLE day. This will not be fun but I have to do it so I can buy some presents and pretend that Santa is real and all that fun shit. Talk to you soon
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
This family of mine is driving me over the edge. DEMANDING I tell ya. They are like breast feeding triplets. They all need something at all times. Not a one of them is able to pick up a sock let alone anything else. I am putting the pedal to the metal tomorrow and heading to Watertown to spend the weekend w/ my sister Danielle and her husband Jim. They better have some beers chilling when I get there. I need them.
My teeth are clenched and my heart is racing. I need to sit and relax. HELP.... LOL
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
It is with great joy and amazement that I write that my son's first quarter report card came home with all B's and awesome comments. They acknowledge the great improvements he has made academically in the last few months. It is a complete turn around from last year when he refused to even open a book and attempt to appear interested. I am proud of him and am happy he is making strides towards doing better. He even applied for his first job yesterday. Hopefully he gets it as it will keep him busy and off the streets. Cross your fingers.
LOVE LIFE: Blah Blah Blah. It is on these cold lonely nights that I miss the ex. The one who hurt me twice. He wasn't good for much as I have come to find out but he was good in the sense of snuggling up with him and talking. Even if it was all BULLSHIT. At least he was a body but I am not saying I want him back. I just want that feeling of having someone there for me. But the next time the time and words we share will have actual meaning. I have to at least hope for that. I am not really out there looking I guess so I don't know what I can expect. I guess I would like that fairy tale lover to appear. The one on the white horse who will wash away all the bad memories from the past. The man who you dream about as a little girl. Oh man, it sucks when you grow up and all the smokey dreams are battered away by BAD BAD men. LMFAO Until then I will do what I do and wait. All good things come to those who wait right?
I had a really fun weekend this past weekend considering it was nothing that was planned. I slept at my cousin Jesse and his new wife Tennaile's house. They are always a blast and worth the drive over. We just laughed all night and then again in the morning. I decided at the last minute to sleep over Kristen and Jay's on Saturday night and it proved to be worth it. Kris and I hooked up with Cindy Lou and just sat around her apartment having beers, sharing stories, dancing and practicing some old cheerleader moves. Needless to say the belly hurt from laughing and the knee hurt from the attempt at doing the splits but it was so fun. Those are some of the best nights of my life. Unscripted and unplanned. Just flying freely and enjoying my life.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I had been talking to this guy friend of mine for awhile online and I thought the conversations were going well and that we had a lot to talk about. Then BAM it stopped. I was a little confused about the whole thing but I don't have the energy to over think it and pursue it any further. Just really confused by men yet again. Why ruin a good thing? It was just simple conversation. Did he get scared as if I wanted a wedding ring after two weeks of typing? Come on I am not even the type. Whatever men are just too much sometimes.
My knee is finally getting to the stage of walking without limping and pain. I am going to try to start walking again if only a few miles a day and try to work back up to 5. I need to get myself back on track over here.
The kid is good, home is good and the friends are good. How much more can a girl ask for. One day at a time right?
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
And I am also thrilled because my sister was OBSESSED and was running around in a Barack shirt for days. Not sleeping and was glued to the tv and internet. This would have been a devestating upset to the poor girl. LOL And she had me going too.
Well, I am off to work for a nice 11 hr day. Talk to you all soon.
Share your thoughts on this election if you will
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Obama's Stance on the Economy
Barack Obama has offered a detailed plan to get America’s economy back on track, by creating new jobs and easing the burden on hardworking Americans by offering middle-class tax cuts three times the size of McCain’s.
McCain's Stance on the Economy
John McCain’s economic policy is the same as George Bush’s. It ignores middle class Americans, giving $200 billion in tax cuts to corporations, including $4 billion in tax breaks to Big Oil, while leaving over 100 million middle-class Americans with no relief. Economists say McCain’s plan will add $3.4 trillion to the national debt.
Obama's Stance on Education
Barack Obama puts children first by investing in early childhood education, making sure our schools are adequately funded and led by high-quality teachers, and reforming No Child Left Behind.
McCain's Stance on Education
John McCain supported George Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans instead of much-needed funding for our students, teachers, and failing local classrooms.
Obama's Stance on Energy
Barack Obama will invest in alternative fuels and renewable energy, including a plan to increase America’s energy efficiency and create 5 million new “green” jobs.
McCain's Stance on Energy
John McCain has repeatedly opposed renewable and alternative energy proposals, has promised oil companies a new $4 billion tax break and hired a number of powerful oil lobbyists to run his campaign.
Obama's Stance on Ethics
Barack Obama has been a leader on government transparency – refusing to take donations from lobbyists or PACs, improving disclosure and creating a database where the public can track federal contracts and earmarks.
McCain's Stance on Ethics
John McCain has no less than 177 lobbyists working on his campaign, including many of his top advisors. McCain’s own campaign manager continued to receive money from Freddie Mac until August 2008.
Obama's Stance on Foreign Policy
Barack Obama will continue the long American tradition of smart diplomacy to keep the country safe while improving America’s standing in the world.
McCain's Stance on Foreign Policy
John McCain will carry on George Bush’s policy of unilateral action that puts American troops in harm’s way without exhausting diplomatic options.
Obama's Stance on Health Care
Barack Obama’s health care plan will provide accessible, affordable coverage for all, and it will reduce health care costs for families.
John McCain’s health plan would tax health benefits for the first time ever — imposing a trillion tax increase on working families and leaving millions without heath care.
Obama's Stance on Homeland Security
Barack Obama supports increased security measures for our airports, ports, and land borders, part of a national plan to protect American’s infrastructure and keep our communities safe.
McCain's Stance on Homeland Security
John McCain opposed increased screening of cargo entering the United States and opposed increased security for airport, port and boarder security.
Obama's Stance on Iraq
Barack Obama will work with his military commanders to responsibly end the war in Iraq. Obama will refocus our resources on al Qaeda in Afghanistan and finish the fight with the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11.
McCain's Stance on Iraq
John McCain has no plan to end the war in Iraq, and would keep spending $10 billion a month in Iraq while the Iraqi government sits on a huge surplus. McCain calls Iraq "the central front of the war on terror" even though Osama bin Laden and the al Qaeda terrorists who attacked us are getting stronger in Afghanistan and Pakistan.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Diet: Didn't weigh in this week because I was bloated as usual. And most of all EMOTIONAL so I simply didn't want to get on the scale and be told if I lost or gained weight. According to my scale I didn't but just in case this was not the week for any kind of extra added stress.
Love Life: Still NOTHING. LOL I really don't give a shit
Work: Didn't work too much this week so next weeks check will suck but I need a break from time to time. Now I have a self prescribed 4 day weekend. I need it really I do. LOL
Off to get ready to get my nails done w/ my mother and then lots of things to get myself all pretty for the wedding.
Talk to you all soon
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Ok, so the kid situation has gone from bad to worse. I didn't hear back from his probation officer in regards to the upcoming 7 to 10 day juvy stay. She said I would recieve a letter in the mail and that never came so I just assumed it wasn't taking place. He has been doing excellent in shcool, doing his community service at school by painting and doing landscaping. And he started his anger management course. Well, just when you think you are getting a break. WRONG. When I got out of the the kids appointment with the judge was at 8:30. WTF??? So I call her back and she tells me that she gave my mother the court papers the day she brought my son into the meeting. Well my mother says she does not recall any paperwork. Does this help??? NO. The probation officer tells me she will see what the judge says but that they can pick him up at school for not showing up in court. I mean FUCK, I am sick, stressed and I have PMS. Now I have to go to work with all this on my shoulders? Just to let you know it was not a pretty day for those around me at work. I cried like a maniac. The lady finally called me back in the afternoon and we have another date this coming Monday. She said that if he stays on the right track she will not recommend the lock up. God help me on Monday if they take him. I could possibly have a fucking breakdown better than Mariah Carey. We shall see.
Diet: Until this point not so bad/ not so good. I finally got a compression thing for my knee and am hoping that will work a little bit so I can start walking again. However, the above situation and my emotional eating disorder caused me to binge a time or two. Not too happy with myself. This is the same habit I fall into over and over again. SHIT
Love Life: Still nothing and ok with it
The big plans for the weekend are my cousin Jesse's wedding. He is the coolest dude ever and I love his fiance. I spend a lot of Friday nights over there with them and can't wait to share their day with them. This is going to be one of those weddings where you know your feet are going to hurt from dancing, your stomach from laughing and your head from the shots of Tequila. I so can't wait. Pics to follow
Off for now be good, be safe but most of all be you!!!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
I finally got to spend some much needed time with my friends Chrissy and Barb last night. It was like old times laughing and singing and all the good stuff. I miss those guys. We have plans to go to the big Harvestfest in town tomorrow too so that should be fun.
The son had me up at 330 a.m picking him up at his girlfriends. I was NOT happy. I drive all the way there and he didn't pick up his phone or come out so I drove all the way home in hysterics. I was tired and simply overwhelmed by how this kid acts. I get all the way home and he calls to say he fell asleep. So I go ALL the way back and get him. Some might say " F#ck that I would have left him". I say "F#ck him, he's still getting up and going to school". And so yes, after 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep I got out of bed and got him up. If I have to suffer he does too. So off he went. Too bad
Tonight Kristen, Amy, Steve, Priscilla and I are going to a spooky hay ride. Some think it is boring and want to go out to the normal dive bar. Well go on. I am so over the dark dingy bar where there are more freaks than the haunted hay ride. Stay at the bar and stay in your normal stale enviroment. I think the hay ride is going to be fun and different and I have been looking forward to it. Sometimes it is fun to be a kid again and do the things that bring back childhood memories. I can't wait.
I went to the WW weigh in last night and lost another 2.8 lbs for a total of 8.8. Slow steady steps will win the race right? I was happy with that weigh loss. The slower you lose it the better chance of it staying off. Or so I have heard. I am going to try to get to the doctors so I can get an x-ray of the knee. The pain has been so bad I wake up at night. So working out on it simply is not an option.
Well I am off for now. Make a difference today. Do something new. Most of all live the life you were given. Push past the everyday stress and live.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The kid was really doing good there for a while. And by a while I mean for a week. But with a tough kid like him it is a one day at a time kind of world. There was the days where he just wasn't coming home or coming home at 1 in the morning. I was scared and worried and that just didn't seem to matter to him. He is simply one of those teenagers that will rebel because he can. The only thing is he doesn't realize that I am trying to save him from not only the other dangers out there in the world but most of all I am trying to save him from himself. He can't understand or doesn't want to understand that this world just isn't as easy as it looks to him. Well come to find out he has a girlfriend and that is why he hasn't been coming home or is out all night. Ok doesn't sound that bad if you know my son and the things he has done in the past. PROBLEM IS: 1. She is 19 and 2. she has a baby. Now we are talking about my kid who can't get himself up in the morning or pick up his socks. What would she want with him? I guess I just don't get it. But people say WHY? why would you let him do this. Because I DON"T RULE THE WORLD. Believe me I do what I can but I can't do it all. If the world went the way I wanted it would be peaceful and everyone would be disease free and there would be enough money to go around so we could all spend our free time in the mall. But sorry to say I don't rule the world as hard as I might try.
The diet is going well I think. I have been working with some really low fat and high fiber foods trying different things so I don't get bored. With working almost 50 hours a week there really isn't time. Not making excuses but if you know my life and how busy I am you would understand. Believe me what I do for a living it is excersize in itself. The lifting and tugging and the sweating alone. I will be at the WW meeting for sure this week.
Love life update: NONE
I haven't really had the time to spend as much time w/ my friends lately. Yeah I see Taryl and Amy at work but it isn't the same. Taryl is the one I spend most of my free time with though. I miss Chrissy and Barb though. They were who I have spent the past 5 years with. I really miss them and have to find some time for them. But I miss my girl Kristen the most. She is the most fun to be around all together. :)
Well I am off to my new addiction. Online Monopoly. Then the shows. 90210 and Biggest Loser. Talk to you soon
Friday, October 10, 2008
Sorry it has been so long. I have been busy busy busy.
I stayed over time at work last night so I was unable to make it to the WW meeting so no update for now. I have been really good though so I feel great.
I have been flying freely this week just doing my thing. I need my free time that is when I am the happiest. It's not the healthiest lifestyle but it is what works for me. I love spending time with my friends where things are carefree. I love dancing to music, drinking my beer and just relaxing.
I went w/ Taryl to Mike's the coworkers house on Thursday night and then I slept at my friend Dave's. Don't ask. I won't tell. Most likely because it just simply doesn't make much sense. I like spenidng time w/ Dave. He is a bit unusual to say the least but his conversations amuse me.
Tonight I am off to my cousin Jesse's house which always proves to be a blast.
I will be back on tomorrow. Talk to you then
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I made it a PRIORITY to be:
1. A great mother to my son and give him what I could in all aspects. I did the best I could and it truly wasn't all that bad.
2. A good daughter to my parents who truly under appreciate what I do on a daily basis. I have been a wife to my father in the aspects of cooking, cleaning and helping with anything else he needs. I have been a crutch to my mother emotionally and physically. I have taken their abuse over the years because I excepted them for who they were and knew I couldn't change them.
3. A sister as well as a friend to both of my sisters. Rough roads have been put long behind us but it wasn't always either with both of them. One much easier than the other.
4. A fully involved family member to my ENTIRE extended family. I show up to everything, I answer the phone when it rings, I run when they need me no matter what they are asking. I have done things for my family members that I didn't think I had the strength to do. I don't regret any of it for a moment. Only wish at times they same was done for me.
5. The best friend I could be. I am HIGH maintenance as my friends say so it takes some work to hang with me for the long haul. LMFAO. I do what I can. I am there for the laughs, the tears, the heartaches that they think no one understands. We raise our kids together, party together and more. I love my friends and have always cherished them. And I have to be honest and say they do the same for me. They are my rock !!!
6. I am a great worker. I am there when they need me and more importantly I am there when they don't even know they need me. I put in my best at work and never half ass anything I have ever done. I excel at every job I have ever done.
All in all I have made the other people in my life a priority. The one thing that has never been a priority to me is in fact ME. Some may call me selfish, self centered and many other things. But the people who think those things don't know the real me. They know the me they have created in my mind. I have always thought of others before myself. I didn't know I could say NO to some of them for many years. So when I did learn the word and started thinking of me people didn't like it.
When it came to being a mother I put my son first. I was under the impression that it was how it was supposed to be. I put dating pn the back back back burner for the last 17 yrs of my life. Yes, I have dated but never with any real intentions of making it last forever. My son always required more attention. I didn't want to date and get fully involved with someone because of the fear they would never love him the way I did or understand why I did what I did for him. He was always going to be my number one. So if a man didn't like his behaviors or attitude I wasn't ever going to let them in. Not that I have like his behaviors or attitudes either but they are his and I have to deal with them because I am his mother. This was my life and if some man wasn't willing to walk in with an open mind it was never going to work. And believe me there are times I find it hard to deal with my son or to love him. So I would never expect anyone else to.
But today I realized it has to be about me sooner or later. I am not getting any younger here. I deserve to be loved, to have time to myself and to have a career not just a job.
I have let others influence my decisions because at times it seemed best. I gave up my love life and my career for my son. I wanted and needed to be available for him. He requires lots of attention in that way. School meetings, doctors appointment, psych appointments and court dates to say the least.
I am making a step towards making it about ME. I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, I am ready to date and find HIM, I am ready to relax and most of all I am ready to find a new career position.
I have heard negative feedback from people that it always comes back to ME. That I think everything is about me. Well if you look at the facts it hasn't always been about me. Yes, I take my vacations alone now and go over nights alone. Because I get to, because I deserve to. Nobody sits home on the weekends and says " Oh, Gwen has nothing to do so I will just stay home". Please I don't think so.
I am alive and chose to live. I chose to be me. As imperfect as that might be. I am not perfect I have flaws and I except them. I am who I am
I am my own PRIORITY for now on.
Two more days till the big weigh in and the scale obsessed person that I am has weighed myself. And NOTHING. I read online that you should only weigh yourself once a week because seeing the negative numbers can be a setback mentally. But I just can't resist the urge. I will try to stay positive and focused and see what happens.
One day at a time right? We shall see what Thursday night brings. I have been eating good and doing some working out but not my normal. I only drank once this week and that is a big thing for me. I usually can find any reason to drink but as my sister recently said in a card bad foods and alcohol can really be a bad combo.
Monday, October 6, 2008
I am feeling good this week about my diet and workout routine. I am focusing on the positive and releasing as much negative as I can. My life is HIGHLY unstable so I have to embrace each moment for what it is. For every two positive things that happen at least one negative does. But if I let the bad things keep me down I will never be happy. I will never be healthy. So screw it all I am going to TRY and be happy today. What more can a girl do besides try?
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Up up and away. Off with the pounds. Its a new week and new motivation. Wish me luck
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I have started putting more work into finding a perfect workout routine that I can do without my friends. Sometimes they just can't make it or their schedule doesn't work with mine. One of my famous excuses is that I don't like to walk or workout alone. I am slowly overcoming that idea though. I now will walk outside alone without the fear of being struck by a car or kidnapped. Sorry peeps but I am cute someone might want to take me. LOL
I am trying to incorporate more vegetables into my diet and drink the gallon of water a day. All I can say is " I AM TRYING". I figure anything more than I was doing before has to be a good thing right?
Amy and Beth my twin WW partners can't join me tonight. I could not go and wait until next week but that won't help. I have skipped weeks before and that leads to me quitting all together. I am going and I am getting on that evil scale, paying my $12 and hoping for the best.
I will let you all know how it turns out.
BTW.... due to the overwhelming stress I have broken down to daily smoking again. I am hoping to give them back up again soon. I am going to need some more Chantix though. Quitting smoking is harder than giving up buffalo wings believe me.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Anyways he is looking at 7 to 10 days of inpatient juvie. Not what I worked so hard at avoiding but exactly what he fed into. He fought the system and everyone who tried to help him. This could be the only thing to save him. This could make or break him. I just don't know anymore. I tried as hard as I could and don't know anywhere else to turn for help.
I am at a loss on this one. It is out of my hands.
I am over tired and off to bed. More in the am.
I knew exactly what the meeting at school was going to be about. My son has been on probation for a while. That means a lot of things. He has to go to school, he has to have a curfew, he has to be good all around. He simply WILL NOT do these things. His life is far from hard. Believe me I know the kid is spoiled rotten and there is no pill in the world that will fix that.
We have done two years of court, counseling and medication management. I have spent countless hours on the phone and in emails trying to get this kid help. But if you are part of the whole MIDDLE AMERICAN world there really isn't that much available to you. Living in the country somehow entitles you to a brand of persons you aren't even aware of. This town is known to be well off. But believe me alot of people aren't. Our kids have the same problems as inner city kids but we just don't have the resources. BELIEVE me I tried everything available and still got no help.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
GOD give me the strength I tell ya
I wish I could sleep, I wish I could rest soundly without the weight of the world on my shoulders. There is just constantly someone needing something from me or something that needs to be done and it appears only I can do it. What about this??? Sometimes I need a break too.
I can't always be the best mother, best daughter, best sister, best aunt or best friend. Sometimes I just need to be alone and be free from the stress and shit the outside world brings. I actually enjoy being alone at times. I like to listen to music and reflect on things. I am a thinker although sometimes and over thinker. I need peace in order to process and prioritze things in my life. I don't need constant stimulation and conversation. I just need a moment. I feel like when I try to take a moment there are others who can't accept it and need me to be talking to them, sitting with them or explaining things to them. Sometimes I just need my alone time.
At this moment I would love to be on the beach or the balcony of a hotel on the beach. I want to be alone listening to the ocean. No thoughts no worries. Just time. No hurry. Just relax and reflect. I wouldn't mind the sound of some music in the background as I close my eyes and RELAX by myself. This is where I would like to be. Where would you like to be?
Well today is one of those days where I wake up stressed beyond belief. My arm numb, head banging and need to work things out quickly. I have to process things clearly and be on my toes. I am sure I will be back on later to vent some more.
Hope your morning is going better than mine.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Well the walk went better than I expected. We raised more money than last year. That is a great thing considering how slow it all started and ended. I put 10 months into fundraising for Walk for Dee a year and every single year people step up in the beginning and say they are walking , raising money or both. But in the end it is never those people who are there in the end. Except for Kristen and Tracy who walk every year. But surprisingly this year Jessica Rondeau and Kim Jacques joined me. Also my two neices Jessica and Michelle joined in and brought some friends. I think everyone was excited to have accomplished this. They all had smiles on their faces and I believe they will be back next year ready to go. I appreciate it all the spirit was better than ever thanks to the teens. Jay and Taryl did a great job too. We shall see if they will be back next year. LOL We did have a few suspicious people who told us they were raising money and training for the walk and didn't show up. I HOPE they have the morals and respect to submit the money they raised to the walk to cure cancer and DO NOT keep it. This would be a TRUE disappointment to say the least. Many people pull from the bottom of their pockets to be able to donate to our team. And if anyone has raised money with the intention on keeping it for themselves PLEASE do the right thing. This is a BAD reflection on our team. There are a lot of honest people out there so I have faith that our team will do the right thing. At least the ones I walk with. Thanks to everyone again who donated or walked.
My son is a pain in the ass still. He asked for a ride to Worcester and I asked him 10 times if he had a ride home. Over and over with frustration he said he did. He acts like I am the asshole for not believing him and asking over and over. Well the truth was he didn't have a ride and called me in the middle of my walk saying he was stranded and needed a ride. TOO BAD. Sometimes these teenagers need to see what consequenses there are to their lies. I was busy and not all that worried to be honest. He got lucky and his grandmother went to get him. I hope this kid starts to figure out that he needs to fly straight and start doing something positive with his life. I can only do so much for him but I refuse to give in to his every beck and call. I have my own life that he has continued to effect in not such a positive way. I still have to live and work and do things for others. He needs to really take a second to see that there is more to life than his selfish ways. Tomorrow we have a meeting at school to discuss all kinds of things. I will fill you in after that.
Well I really have to get dressed and work out with Billy Banks. I feel like a fat ass and need to punish myself for what I did this weekend. Talk to you soon my friends