Thursday, December 27, 2007

Two months have passed

Well where do I start it has been two months since I have updated and WOW my life really is in a downward spiral. I try and try and still it turns to shit. I am just hoping 2008 is a turnaround for me. I got a new job this year and was let go fo NO KNOWN REASON. Even the girl I trained w/ was lost when they let me go. But to be honest the job SUCKED worse than a HOOVER. It was a business or so they called it. There was a male owner who was secretly dating the female owner. Yeah big secret!!! This is a small town and his wife is a teacher in town and we all know she is going through a divorce. Then her son and daughter worked there or lets say sat there and got paid to leach off of their mother. There was one actual sales guy who went out and actually did something w/ his day and brought in business. And the daughter in law who was my trainer. She was the only one who preformed any duties all day and the poor thing was the go to girl who everyone went to. She was there less than everyone else but held the most knowledge. And one other girl who I liked but she simply was burnt out on the job and had no motivation. All in all the job was not really a job. I watched people do personal shit all day and shop on line in a HIGHLY addictive manner. Their loss not mine is all I can say. But truly what kind of person lets someone go four days before Christmas???? NOt a good character trait if you ask me. That is why I am pissed. WTF I have bills to pay and there are no jobs out there right now. I am going to attempt to apply for unemployment for now until I can find something but if they fight it I WILL FREAK OUT. I will expose the secrets that are within those little walls. The disgusting way the owner talks to the girls and much more.
I have been depressed so of course my natural course of action is to overeat. But then when I gain the weight I am more depressed. Just can't win over here. WTF again. Well I am going to do some job searching and then I will update again. There is alot more to type believe me

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What the F@CK Wednesday

OMG. My chest is aching and my heart is beating out of it. I am completely overwhelmed today. It's only 6:24 am and my day already sucks. This is so my life. Just when it seems like the clouds have cleared I get thrown against a brick wall. I am sitting hear trying not to hyperventulate or cry. Because when I feel this stressed and I cry sometimes I just can't stop.
I am working 7 days a week and still just getting by. Stealing from Peter to pay Paul. No extra cash to by the clothes my son needs no extra money to buy the food I need to eat healthy. No money for anything. Money only for bills. I don't think that when you work hard and try to live a good life you should struggle. I know I do not struggle alone but I do suffer from " IT'S ABOUT ME" syndrome.
I just need a fucking break here. Just a little light at the end of the tunnel would be nice.
I wake up this morning to a notice to appear in court for my son because he acted up in school last week. This is a violation of probation as it is a term to attend school without incident. WTF.. Give me a break will ya? The reason he has been acting up is because Harrington Memorial Hospital is lacking any medical concerns. I have been fighting w/ his psychiatrist since May to have an actual prescription written for him. She wrote a script for a medication she knew would not be approved by insurance and since then he has been living on sample packs. Never mind the fact that the dose has been too low for his height and body weight. I have called her numerous times w/ no return call. I have filed complaints and she up'd the meds but still not enough. I have tried to have her write an approved script and still nothing. His school sent home a letter for her that I faxed. Only then did I get an appt for today. Had she done her job he would have been on the appropriate meds and his moods would be controlled. She BETTER correct this today. I don't want to go to court.
Never mind I just started a new job and had to ask to work half day today to take him to the appt. Now I have to go in and ask to take more time off to go to court??????????? FUCK I am overwhelmed

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Whatever Wednesday

Whatever !!! I just don't get it somedays. Life can be so good one day where you are smiling and motivated and just plain ole glad to be alive. I am still struggling w/ weight loss, my son has his old attitude lately due to his meds not being adjusted by his doctor. She is useless as I have come to find out. No love life as of yet and so on and so on.
I started a weight loss support group though on Myspace with some family and friends. They are looking forward to it as much as I am. Hopefully we can motivate each other the way I intend on .
Work is ok. Work is work. Still working at Friendlys too. Working 7 days a week to JUST get by. Struggling w/ my bills still. When is enough enough?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wacky Wednesday

Sorry it has been so long since I have written. So many things are going on right now. Most of them great things actually.

Well first lets start w/ my son. He brought home his progress report and it was pretty outstanding for him. He really has been trying to make some changes. Not that he doesn't have set backs but he is trying harder and listening more. He may just grow out of this after all.

Barbara and I did our routine trip to Fall River to see Psychic Steve. I had a really great session. He said that now that my job and son are all set I need to push everything aside and focus on me. He said that once I am happy everyone will be happy and we all know that to be true. He also said I will meet my soulmate soon. He said I already know him but may have pushed him aside in the past for any reason such as maybe I thought I wasnt good enough or he wasnt good enough or possibly only thought of him as a friend. We shall soon see I hope.

I started my new job and so far so good. Today is only day two. There is a lot to learn. I get bored easy so hopefully today will be better. I will let you know

Monday, October 1, 2007

Monday Madness

Well it is Monday and I am still alive. I guess that is a good thing. Things are going as best they can right now. Not much happening.

Looking forward to starting my new job. I need something new in my life something to switch things up a bit. I hope it all works out because I really want to stay local in the winter. Nothing worse than 290 traffic in the winter. Don't miss those days at all.

MOTIVATION oh, where has my motivation gone? I am stuck in a rut and don't know how to get out of it. I was talking to my friend Barbara and I was like, I know I don't need a man to feel special but I miss that part. I miss being told I am beautiful by a man. I have always done my own thing and never depended on a man but it DOES feel good to feel wanted and desired. It is motivating to look good for someone else. I just don't know how to get going again. Somebody give me some advice here will ya?

I REALLY miss a man's companionship. Watching tv, listening to the radio, waking up w/ him by my side. I miss so many things that I used to have. The problem was I had all that with a man who didn't deserve it. But I was without all of that for so long that now that I know what it feels like to have it I want it more. I want to share my world with someone else. I want him to share his w/ me too. I want to snuggle and be comforted. I want to have someone special to talk to. The feeeling of knowing he will be home or going to call is great when you are w/ the right someone. I truly miss it all.

Well, I was talking about Karma today and I was like I believe in it and I hope it starts coming around soon. I was having a weak I MISS MIKE moment last nite. Pathetic but true. I miss him sometimes. I hate to talk about him and I hate to wast energy on him but as he would say " It is what it is". I miss the man. I miss his smile and his corny little sayings. I miss the way I felt when he would look at me. But today Karma came around. Rumor has it he was arrested on an outstanding warrant. For what? That I do not know. But he gave the blond bimbo (the one he cheated w/) $500 to go get him a lawyer. Well she never did and he is still in jail. I feel bad for his kid but the guy deserves it. I hope he has time to think about what he has done to me and that Karma truly is a bitch. He had it good w/ me and I would have been right by his side. Not anymore. He chose and he chose badly. He just wasn't the man he portrayed himself to be. He was hiding behind so many lies and they have finally caught up w/ him. No wonder he was always having chest pains and anxiety attacks. He knew he was a scam artist and now he is paying the price.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Yippee for me

Well, she finally called and I got the new job. Not the best starting pay but there is room for advancement. It is Monday thru Friday 9 to 5 so I can still make my son breakfast and get him on the bus everyday. It is important to me to be here to send him off. I will still cook every other weekend to make up the pay difference for now. The advantage is the hours and the fact that I don't have to drive 60 miles a day in the winter for work. It is five miles away and a family friend job.

I need to start working out again now that my cold is better. I will have time to walk in the morning and do my workout now. Yippee for me

Friday, September 28, 2007

Finally Friday

Well as far as that job went it appears I didn't get it. No big loss. There were advantages and disadvantages to it. There will be a better one I am sure. I will just keep looking.

I don't know why but I miss Mike this week. Sad but true. I know he was a loser but there were good times too and I miss the good times. I miss the laughs. I guess he is back w/ his ex wife Cindy. I can understand that better than that other lizard he left me for. At least I can understand that he was w/ Cindy for 14 years. Who knows what that man is thinking and I am not saying I want him back I am just saying at times my heart misses his smile and laughter.

I have been sick for two weeks now. I just want to sleep the aches and pains away. I need to get back into work out mode. Being sick has a way of holding you back and keeping you down.

I have to work 49 hrs this week so I am tired but need the money. It is Friday and I still have 30 hrs to put in. This is exhausting but hopefully in the end after a couple of weeks of this I will be able to catch up on some bills. We will see

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Second Interview

Well the first interview went well. I was called back last night for a second interview today after work. Wish me well I really need a change.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Monday Morning Motivation

Today is Monday. Yippee my day off from slinging burgers and waiting on customers who think 10% is an appropriate tip. It is going to be warm outside again almost summerlike. Today is a new day.

I walk in the WALK TO CURE CANCER yesterday at Umass Medical Center in Worcester, Ma. My team WALK FOR DEE raised over $1000 so far and still have a webpage that excepts donations until November. I am looking to continue raising until I reach my goal of $2000. It was a five mile walk that once kicked my ass ( this is my 3rd year). However, with the weighloss and excersize I have been doing lately I was able to walk this at a good pace w/ no pain or resistance. It was amazing to see the difference.

I am watching a four month old today and have no stroller but I am going to try to find time to fit in some form of exersize at some point in my crazy day. When there is a will there is a way right?

Wish me luck I have an interview at noon today. Seems too good to be true but that could just be the negaholic in me. It is right in my town, 9-5 Monday thru Friday. Wish me luck I really need this job and a positive change in my life.

I will fill you in on my progress throughout the week. WW is on Thursday so we shall see.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Friday Flashes

Well I went to WW last night and it was better than I though all in all. I was off last week and was eating bad and not working out like I planned. I thought for sure I had gained 5 lbs. I was going to either quit all together, use the skip the scale ticket they give you or just wait until next week. But I really talked myself into going and keeping w/ the healthy changes. I knew I was bad and I had to pay the price no matter what. I am not much of a quitter. So I trudged my way there and got on the scale. I only gained 1.2 lbs which could have been worse. That is manageable. I am back though and working out and eating right so next week I will lose that and more. It's hard to remain focused somedays and I feel discouraged at times but when I flash back to my weight 44.3 lbs ago I know I don't want to go back. I found my WW book from September last year and I surely don't want to flash back that way either I was 298.4 lbs. That is 64 lbs fatter than I am today. NO WAY. I need to focus and Flash Forward to a new me.

I have to walk 5 miles on Sunday at the Umass Walk to Cure Cancer and this year should be much easier than the past two considering my weight loss. I am looking forward to it this year instead of dreading it. Should be fun.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Wednesday Wonders

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven't been keeping up w/ my blog. I know it is killing my sister Danielle. Sometimes I am just so busy w/ my crazy life that I forget to keep up.
I have been trying to get myself back on track after a rocky week last week. I just wasn't myself and didn't feel the motivation. I let myself fall and am now trying to pick myself back up. On Monday I worked my arms for 15 minutes and then 15 minutes of abs on the floor. I did two sets of 20 lunges w/ 5lb weights and also went walking w/ my friend Barbara for 4 miles. On Tuesday I my regular workout above and found my Tai Bao 8 minute power workout to do. WOW that is a short but crazy workout. I have never sweat that much in my life. It felt good though. I am sick today but will try to at least walk or push myself to do the Tai Bao video. It's pretty hard to work too hard w/ a head cold though. I will see what I can do. My eating is back on track though. I go to WW this Thursday but plan on using my skip the scale card because I know I was bad and don't know if I can take the hit emotionally. We will see though. I say that and then I get on the scale anyway. If I gain I gain as long as I get back on the wagon. I usually don't gain so I really shouldnt be so hard on myself. We will see. I will let you know.

Saturday, September 15, 2007


I am sad to say I have suffered a few days of a dieting set back. I am not going to let it keep me back though. Tomorrow is a new day and I will search for the inspiration to get back on track. I lost focus on my goals and all the hard work I have already put in. I need to continue on the road to good health and well being. I just have to keep in mind what my intended goals are and run towards them. Tomorrow I will start fresh and take any gains for what they are this week at WW and move forward. Mentally I am better. I want more for myself and my son and will work towards it. 2008 is going to be a year of big changes for us and I don't know if I am up for them but will try to remain positive and prepare myself for what is ahead

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Thankful Thursday

I am so thankful today for many things. I am thankful that my son is healthy and happy. I am happy that he is putting forth the effort in school to do better. He has had a great three weeks so far. I went to pick him up the other day at school and the behavioral coach came outside to meet me. He wanted to let me know how impressed he is w/ him and his improvements both emotionally and academically. I make sure to encourage him every morning before he leaves. He is doing so well.
I am thankful that I have continued to move forward w/ my weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes. I felt a little set back this week but am getting back on track. I have to work late tonight so no WW this week. I will let you know the results next week.
I am thankful that I have great friends who encourage me to move forward. They are so good to me and keep me real. They remind me that I AM A GOOD PERSON who is worthy of more.
Most of all I am thankful that Mike wasn't able to take me down too far. I am laughing again, singing again, dancing again and more like me everyday. Yesterday a grumpy customer came up to me and told me I have a gift and that I should keep smiling because it is hard not to smile when you see someone like me smiling and happy. He has no idea that I lost my smile last week. But I am happy to have it back.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The tear gang

Just a weird moment I wanted to share. I was sitting at the computer yesterday downloading songs and I was listening to Faith Hill's " It matters to me" and the next thing I know I had two teardrops in my eyes. I was like " Woah" here we go again. I was being ganged up on by two tears. I was like " No Way, we are not doing this anymore". It was like they were trying to work together to make me cry. I am stronger now though. I wiped them away changed the song to Kelly Clarkson's " Never Again" and worked out. I can not allow myself to shed another tear for that guy. He is clearly semi psychotic and not worthy. I am " Moving On" as Rascall Flatts once said.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Monday Morning New Day

I am really starting to get back to me. I realize I was duped and made a fool of. Now it is up to me to decide how much more time and energy I am going to give this man. I have given him way too much as it is.I had a great weekend and really felt like me again. I spent time w/ my family, friends and neighbors and just got to relax and be me. I didn't have to DOLL UP and be funny all day. I didn't even have to be the only one talking. It was just easy being me again. I loved it.My son and his friend told me how Mike and Mike have been talking shit about me. They know the truth and don't like what they hear but I told them not to even listen. They told the kids I threatened to kill Mike. Now anywhere in all of my scrambled writing have I threatened anyone? NO. They told the kids I am stalking the house and driving by. DONT FLATTER YOURSELF. You aren't worth the price in gas. I happen to work full time and drive my son around town full time. I just can't believe he has resorted to talking to teenagers about his life. Proves another point of why I have to see this as a blessing. He simply was not good enough for me.Well I am back on my daily schedule again today. Time to refocus on myself and work out and start putting more energy back into my life. I plan on making some new motivating Cd's and going out walking by myself, working out at home and then all of my other motherly Monday running around that I do. I will be updating still if something comes to mind. Comment if you will

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Fun night out w/ friends

well I had a great night out and it was well needed. Got to spend time w/some old friends who I havent seen in a while. Friends who love and appreciate me for me. Who accept my flaws and love me when I am up and when I am down. People who love me fat or trying. Love just Gwen.I had a good long talk w/ my friend BuddyLuv last night on the phone. He encourages me to keep doing better and acknowledges how far I have come. He is just great to chat w/ and connect w/. He gets me.I realize more and more each day that Mike was fun to be w/ but was never going to THE ONE. He has lived his life w/ countless woman who he can discard as nothing. He is drowning himself in a sea of pointless p@ssy and that will never amount to a lifetime of contentment. I need more, I want more and I deserve more. The heart still hurts from the betrayal but I will continue to fight back to get the part of myself back. Everyday is a new day towards a new life. He can not keep me down.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Today was a great day

Well Ladies, I have to tell you I really had a great day today. I am telling you the more I write about it and talk about it the better I feel. And I also realize more and more that I was truly too good for him. I don't know why I didn't dump him first if I really think hard. He was fun to be with I can't lie. I had some really great times w/ him. And oh, the way he looked at me every time I rang the doorbell. He would open it and look at me w/ pure amazement. He would hold my face and kiss me like he meant it. Our talks were amazing and I really felt a connection. He said he couldn't believe how open and honest he was being for the first time in his life. And sex was amazing. But really after the way he has cheated and hasnt contacted me, Did it mean anything at all? If I think about it it is like it was all just fake and meant nothing. But I have a hard time believing that. I truly do. I know that obviously he isn't a nice person but the way he looked at me and the deep talks we had make it hard for me to believe I just didn't mean anything at all. I just didn't mean enough. I couldnt have done anything different. I was HONEST with him and I was there for him when he needed me. I supported him when he was stressed w/ his job and son. I was there for him and concerned when he would wake up w/ chest pains. I CARED!!! I don't know what more I could have done. I was bettering myself before I met him and it just wasn't good enough. WHY??? I will never know. I will never understand why he has done what he did. But I am slowly getting back to the real Gwen who thinks " Who gives a Fck" keep trucking Loser. Today was good. No tears. No attempts to contact him. Nothing. I am not saying I don't think about him all day and wish I had just one chance to talk to him. I am just saying I didn't shed another precious tear.I am heading to Leicester tonight to spend time w/ people who love me and appreciate me for me. I am looking forward to it.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Weight Watchers Update

Today at WW I lost 3.5 lbs for a total of 45.5 lbs. Deep down I am happy and proud of myself but and want to shout but this heavy chest of sadness that I carry would not allow me. Instead I cried again, I cried for the piece of me that I let him take away. The piece of me that had great self esteem and loved herself. If I can be proud of myself and love myself why is that it just wasn't good enough for him? Maybe my best is just never going to be good enough. UUUURRRGGHH!!! I just don't understand so many things right now. I can only hope each day will get better

And this is me

This is me. Simple as that.

This is him. Not smart enough to appreciate me

I don't know if this will work but here he is. The liar who broke my heart.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Oh yeah and it was odd and weird but so needed today. I waited on an older gentleman and his wife. After they ate their breakfast the husband came up to me and said " Can I just tell you something for a second?" and of course I said yes. He said " I just wanted to let you know that you are beautiful, and that it looked like you needed to feel good today so I wanted to stop and let you know that you ARE beautiful". I of course thanked him w/ tears in my eyes and said " Thank you so much if ever I needed to feel pretty it is now". He hugged me and away he went. Now that was a random act of kindness that made me both smile and cry.
Its amazing how one day you can be made to feel gorgeous and on top of the world and the next day be torn down like an old abandoned mill. Saturday night I went to Hillcrest and was told over and over again how beautiful I looked. I couldnt have felt any better about myself. Then Sunday that feeling was gone. He was gone. My smile was gone. I want to feel beautiful again and worth something again.Somehow and for some unknown reason I was robbed of my smile on Sunday. Silently and without any just cause. The music in me died. My laughter is gone. There is silence and numbness. There is a hole in my heart.I trusted hima dn allowed myself to open up. I shared my life w/ him and he chose to only share half of his. NOt the double side where he was a liar and had someone else. Not the side that was heartless and cold.I mean where did this dumpster of a lady come from? Six weeks there was no sign when I slept over. He always answered when I called. Now the house phone has been unplugged and she answers the phone. She is the one there all the time. Was she there the whole time and I was kept in the dark?I just got home from work and UPS finally decided to drop off the birthday present I had bought for him. Bought for him because I knew he would so enjoy it. I was a thoughtful person to him. I will keep it hidden in the box in a closet so that I won't have to be reminded of what was supposed to be.
I am sitting here just stewing in my disappointment. I am thinking about it all over and over again and am literally blown away by Mike Sclamo. I am so confused that I feel like I was medicated for six weeks and unable to make a rational decision. I am not looking to be validated in my feelings. These feelings are real these feelings are true. I am honest and feel like I have the right to be angry and express myself w/ words. Writing is my outlet and I need to put my feelings out there. I have put them here to share w/ my friends and others who know me so they know where I am emotionally. I have the right to be devestated. I wish I wasn't I wish all of his words were true but they were not. I am so absolutely lost right now. I felt like he was such a good prospect to spend not only my life w/ but my sons life. I have NEVER involved my son in a relationship and never will again. I have protected him from my heartaches and lost loves. I never wanted him to meet a man that would soon be gone. I did not want him to be attached to a man that just wasn't the one. But this felt so right. He already had a relationship w/ Mike prior to me meeting him. He spent many days and nites w/ him and respected him. So that was like a BONUS. I also knew his son and cared about him. Now both boys see the failure and the pain. Now both boys see a very BAD example of how a man can and does treat a woman. Very unfortunate for all of us involved except for Mike. He is living his life in fast forward and not looking back. Not taking my heart in to consideration. How is that even possible? I was raised to have empathy for others so no I don't understand how he could treat me this way without so much as one word of explanation. What did I do to deserve this? See this is what I am talking about. I try to look and see what did I do, what did I say to make him feel he could treat me this way. NOTHING... I did nothing to deserve this. I am DEVESTATED by the lack of heart on his side. I want to shake him and say look me in the eyes and tell me why. Tell me how you could do this to me and not feel any emotion. Tell me something to ease the pain in my heart. Tell me you understand why my eyes are swelled shut and my stomach aches. Tell me something. I do not know why I am in such extreme pain and I don't know any other way to get over it besides write it down. I tried so hard to be a good person and it seems like each time things are looking up for me I get shot down. I deserve more than this

My life today

My life today is brutal. I haven't been able to eat or sleep in four days. Why you might ask? Because of Mike Sclamo. He pulled me in and made me trust him and believe him. The next day he was gone and he disappeared w/ another woman without a trace. No calls no nothing. Six weeks spent wasted. Wasted time. I am hurt and crushed and decided to express myself openly in the blogging world.