Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I am sitting here just stewing in my disappointment. I am thinking about it all over and over again and am literally blown away by Mike Sclamo. I am so confused that I feel like I was medicated for six weeks and unable to make a rational decision. I am not looking to be validated in my feelings. These feelings are real these feelings are true. I am honest and feel like I have the right to be angry and express myself w/ words. Writing is my outlet and I need to put my feelings out there. I have put them here to share w/ my friends and others who know me so they know where I am emotionally. I have the right to be devestated. I wish I wasn't I wish all of his words were true but they were not. I am so absolutely lost right now. I felt like he was such a good prospect to spend not only my life w/ but my sons life. I have NEVER involved my son in a relationship and never will again. I have protected him from my heartaches and lost loves. I never wanted him to meet a man that would soon be gone. I did not want him to be attached to a man that just wasn't the one. But this felt so right. He already had a relationship w/ Mike prior to me meeting him. He spent many days and nites w/ him and respected him. So that was like a BONUS. I also knew his son and cared about him. Now both boys see the failure and the pain. Now both boys see a very BAD example of how a man can and does treat a woman. Very unfortunate for all of us involved except for Mike. He is living his life in fast forward and not looking back. Not taking my heart in to consideration. How is that even possible? I was raised to have empathy for others so no I don't understand how he could treat me this way without so much as one word of explanation. What did I do to deserve this? See this is what I am talking about. I try to look and see what did I do, what did I say to make him feel he could treat me this way. NOTHING... I did nothing to deserve this. I am DEVESTATED by the lack of heart on his side. I want to shake him and say look me in the eyes and tell me why. Tell me how you could do this to me and not feel any emotion. Tell me something to ease the pain in my heart. Tell me you understand why my eyes are swelled shut and my stomach aches. Tell me something. I do not know why I am in such extreme pain and I don't know any other way to get over it besides write it down. I tried so hard to be a good person and it seems like each time things are looking up for me I get shot down. I deserve more than this

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