Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Reflecting on the priority I pushed aside

I was reflecting like usual today about the things in the past that I have either put aside or let slip through my hands because I wanted to focus on other things.

I made it a PRIORITY to be:
1. A great mother to my son and give him what I could in all aspects. I did the best I could and it truly wasn't all that bad.

2. A good daughter to my parents who truly under appreciate what I do on a daily basis. I have been a wife to my father in the aspects of cooking, cleaning and helping with anything else he needs. I have been a crutch to my mother emotionally and physically. I have taken their abuse over the years because I excepted them for who they were and knew I couldn't change them.

3. A sister as well as a friend to both of my sisters. Rough roads have been put long behind us but it wasn't always either with both of them. One much easier than the other.

4. A fully involved family member to my ENTIRE extended family. I show up to everything, I answer the phone when it rings, I run when they need me no matter what they are asking. I have done things for my family members that I didn't think I had the strength to do. I don't regret any of it for a moment. Only wish at times they same was done for me.

5. The best friend I could be. I am HIGH maintenance as my friends say so it takes some work to hang with me for the long haul. LMFAO. I do what I can. I am there for the laughs, the tears, the heartaches that they think no one understands. We raise our kids together, party together and more. I love my friends and have always cherished them. And I have to be honest and say they do the same for me. They are my rock !!!

6. I am a great worker. I am there when they need me and more importantly I am there when they don't even know they need me. I put in my best at work and never half ass anything I have ever done. I excel at every job I have ever done.

All in all I have made the other people in my life a priority. The one thing that has never been a priority to me is in fact ME. Some may call me selfish, self centered and many other things. But the people who think those things don't know the real me. They know the me they have created in my mind. I have always thought of others before myself. I didn't know I could say NO to some of them for many years. So when I did learn the word and started thinking of me people didn't like it.

When it came to being a mother I put my son first. I was under the impression that it was how it was supposed to be. I put dating pn the back back back burner for the last 17 yrs of my life. Yes, I have dated but never with any real intentions of making it last forever. My son always required more attention. I didn't want to date and get fully involved with someone because of the fear they would never love him the way I did or understand why I did what I did for him. He was always going to be my number one. So if a man didn't like his behaviors or attitude I wasn't ever going to let them in. Not that I have like his behaviors or attitudes either but they are his and I have to deal with them because I am his mother. This was my life and if some man wasn't willing to walk in with an open mind it was never going to work. And believe me there are times I find it hard to deal with my son or to love him. So I would never expect anyone else to.

But today I realized it has to be about me sooner or later. I am not getting any younger here. I deserve to be loved, to have time to myself and to have a career not just a job.

I have let others influence my decisions because at times it seemed best. I gave up my love life and my career for my son. I wanted and needed to be available for him. He requires lots of attention in that way. School meetings, doctors appointment, psych appointments and court dates to say the least.

I am making a step towards making it about ME. I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, I am ready to date and find HIM, I am ready to relax and most of all I am ready to find a new career position.

I have heard negative feedback from people that it always comes back to ME. That I think everything is about me. Well if you look at the facts it hasn't always been about me. Yes, I take my vacations alone now and go over nights alone. Because I get to, because I deserve to. Nobody sits home on the weekends and says " Oh, Gwen has nothing to do so I will just stay home". Please I don't think so.

I am alive and chose to live. I chose to be me. As imperfect as that might be. I am not perfect I have flaws and I except them. I am who I am

I am my own PRIORITY for now on.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Excellent blog, Gwen. What a way to let your true feelings out. I agree with you 100 percent. You do need to focus on yourself and you do deserve to be happy. Like I say, fuck everyone. You are at a time in your life where you do have to think about yourself and worry about yourself. The first thing we need to do is get you a career and then a nice love life. LOL LOL. I don't think you are high maintanance at all, my friend. LOL LOL. To me, you are perfect just the way you are and I am truly happy to have you in my life. You FUCKING rock!!!!! LOL