Tuesday, September 23, 2008

HOLY SHIT it's been 9 whole months I could have had a baby

WOW I thought I was going to let the whole blogging thing go but now I remember how good it felt to express myself and share it all in words.

Let me start by saying I could have simply deleted this blog and created a new one but there are so many things in the old part that are part of what I still deal with today. Seconds pass, minutes pass but memories last forever and don't go away with time. Screw it, it all happened so lets just move on and keep going.

I don't know if I can go all the way back over 9 months but from time to time I am sure I will need a line or two to reflect on things that have passed.

I know right off the top of the list I want to share that I had the best summer ever this year. I tried my best to release stresses from the past and move forward. I went to Cancun for my sisters wedding, the Cape a few times with family and friends and just really lived an active life really.

I sang, I danced, I laughed and most of all I lived. I tried to express this to my friends and invited them to embrace the life we were given. Most of them did just that. Any day now this life could be taken from us so why not live this life now?

There are too many days and too many moments where we are forced to deal with the stress and strife of life. Too many times we have to spend worrying. So fuck that. When I am given a moment of peace and quiet I want to LIVE. There will always be bills, I will always have a child, I will always have an oversized extended family with problems. I will always, always have something to worry about. But I do not want to dwell on all of it all of the time. It will age and kill me. If not it will kill my aura. I do not want to be a dark cloud I want to be a bright light. This is what I will stuggle with everyday.

Lets see what is bothering me today. It's a boring ole cold ass Tuesday here in Massachusetts. I am craving a cigarette in the worst way ( gave them up 9 weeks ago unless drunk LOL), I am wanting to over eat and binge eat on nasty ass fried food ( on WW yet again, lost 6lbs last week) and I want to allow myself to wallow in self pity for taking asshole MIKE SCLAMO back (only to see the truth this time). I should be outside walking 5 miles listening to my Ipod. I should be vacuuming, doing dishes, looking for a second job, showering and so much more. But I am not. I simply DONT WANT TO. This house is quiet which is rare and I want to sit here and blog so that is exactly what I am going to do. Fuck everyone else and all of their demands.

Wow that sounds angry huh? Not really simply over stressed. No smokes and no fatty food can do this to a girl like me. Never mind the lack of sleep.

I will share the SCLAMO drama with you first since it is in the forefront of my mind at this very second. An exact year had gone by since the last dramatic exit of this creep. I guess it was the twelve months that had passed that had allowed me to forget the FUCKING HELL I went through before. I had seen him in passing at our sons school and even shared some words with him at Walmart. But it was recently like 5 weeks ago that I let the asshole back into my world.
I will not lie and say I didn't know it was going to end again the same exact way it did last year. I know in my heart of hearts he is what he is. But I allowed myself to miss him and most of all I allowed myself to love him again. It hurts but I will not go down like I did last year. I will not suffer. Yes my mind drifts back to him frequently which annoys me. But there are little to no tears this time. The tears that have been shed are in disappointment with myself for allowing myself to believe his lies. Long story short he lied. His kid let the cat out of the bag. He is with the ex Cindy again. No biggie I say. I would rather know now than later. I guess in a way the last month or so were both validating and a sense of closure I didn't get last year. I was thrown for a loss last year without explanation. I get it now. I am NOT angry with him. I actually will always care for him but most importantly I will always hope that he gets the help he needs. I did let Cindy know about his infedelity this year. I didn't last year but I think she deserves to know. She did listen and believe me but I think after 13 yrs off and on with him she will continue to deal with the lies rather than be without him. I myself will NEVER go back. I will NEVER be there for him. NEVER AGAIN as Kelly Clarkson sings about.

My son continues to lead himself on a path of self destruction. I have tried over the last two years or so to guide him and save him. You simply can not save someone from themselves. People may not get what I am saying and may disagree with my ways of parenting but OH FUCKING WELL. Unless you have cried the tears and had the sleepless nights worrying about where your child is, whether your child is alive , on drugs or all the other things teenagers do, You will NEVER understand. And believe me I would not wish these years on anyone. Being a mother of a troubled child is exhausting. I know friends and family who would rather cover up the truth of this subject rather than deal with it and let others know the struggles. I am open about it and most of all I am HONEST about it. My son is the greatest love as well as the greatest heartbreak of my life. I have never given up on him. I have worked tirelessly with schools, doctors, shrinks and outside agencies to try to get him the help he needed. As of today I have basically been fighting this fight alone. I am exhausted and overwhelmed at what today might face. With him it is something new everyday. I will let you know how today goes. As of today he has been acting out in school again, staying out late and whatever else he would never tell. I try to find the answers but teenagers just arent that honest in case you didn't know.

Well, I think I should find something constructive to do for now. I will get back to you later. Share a comment if you will.

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