Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

It is Halloween and I am excited. Yes, this is one of the holidays that I miss being a child and having one that liked to dress up and do all the fun things that go along w/ this holiday. I can remember dunking for apples until my face froze only never to get an apple. And playing the donut game and NEVER winning. It wasn't about winning it about the laughs and adventure of it all. Man I wish I was a kid. But tonight I will be at my friends enjoying Halloween the way adults do. No donut games, no apples and no candy. But drinks, laughs, music and Yipee we will be in costume. So I guess it will still be fun just different from the days of going door to door and getting treats. I am sure I will have something to share tomorrow and there will be pics too. I know people love the pictures. LOL

Monday, October 27, 2008

Bum Knee

Well the wedding was beautiful and fun. Tenaille looked amazing in her dress and Jesse was so hansome. They truly looked happy. There was lots of laughs and lots of dancing to be had. Just no dancing from me. The bum knee finally had all it could take and blew out on the way up the stairs. It is no laughing matter my friends. Just glad I was able to be there to share their special day. Everyone had a good time and it was just as amazing as I had imagined.
Diet: So so nothing too amazing going on since I am in amazing amounts of pain and cant move all that much. Was on bed rest for days so no where for the food to move around. Oh well I will just keep trying.
Love Life: Still none
Son: Went to court today and with all the good reports from school and the work he has been producing towards anger management and community service he got yet another get out of jail free card. He is doing better so lets just hope he stays on track.
I have a doctors appointment today at 1 so I hope we can get some help with the knee. I have to suffer enough to finally get my room clean.
Talk to you all soon

Saturday, October 25, 2008

So looking forward to today

The day has come and I am so ready to help Jesse and Tenaille celebrate their wedding day. I recieved a video voicemail from Tenaille the other day and I just laughed so hard. She knows this is going to be the best day ever ever. It was of me holding the microphone at their Jack and Jill party with music behind it blasting. Then there was her asking ME if I was ready for this wedding. She kills me. It is her big day and she wants to know if I am ready? I am always ready for a party and a time to relax and just have a good time. And today is the day my friends. I can't wait to show you the pics.

Diet: Didn't weigh in this week because I was bloated as usual. And most of all EMOTIONAL so I simply didn't want to get on the scale and be told if I lost or gained weight. According to my scale I didn't but just in case this was not the week for any kind of extra added stress.

Love Life: Still NOTHING. LOL I really don't give a shit

Work: Didn't work too much this week so next weeks check will suck but I need a break from time to time. Now I have a self prescribed 4 day weekend. I need it really I do. LOL

Off to get ready to get my nails done w/ my mother and then lots of things to get myself all pretty for the wedding.

Talk to you all soon

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

OMG!!! Can I get a break?

Lets start by saying my lovely co-workers have given me the mighty cold that sucks the life right from under you. I can deal with almost anything but a runny nose drives me over the deep end. But like always I will survive.

Ok, so the kid situation has gone from bad to worse. I didn't hear back from his probation officer in regards to the upcoming 7 to 10 day juvy stay. She said I would recieve a letter in the mail and that never came so I just assumed it wasn't taking place. He has been doing excellent in shcool, doing his community service at school by painting and doing landscaping. And he started his anger management course. Well, just when you think you are getting a break. WRONG. When I got out of the the kids appointment with the judge was at 8:30. WTF??? So I call her back and she tells me that she gave my mother the court papers the day she brought my son into the meeting. Well my mother says she does not recall any paperwork. Does this help??? NO. The probation officer tells me she will see what the judge says but that they can pick him up at school for not showing up in court. I mean FUCK, I am sick, stressed and I have PMS. Now I have to go to work with all this on my shoulders? Just to let you know it was not a pretty day for those around me at work. I cried like a maniac. The lady finally called me back in the afternoon and we have another date this coming Monday. She said that if he stays on the right track she will not recommend the lock up. God help me on Monday if they take him. I could possibly have a fucking breakdown better than Mariah Carey. We shall see.

Diet: Until this point not so bad/ not so good. I finally got a compression thing for my knee and am hoping that will work a little bit so I can start walking again. However, the above situation and my emotional eating disorder caused me to binge a time or two. Not too happy with myself. This is the same habit I fall into over and over again. SHIT

Love Life: Still nothing and ok with it

The big plans for the weekend are my cousin Jesse's wedding. He is the coolest dude ever and I love his fiance. I spend a lot of Friday nights over there with them and can't wait to share their day with them. This is going to be one of those weddings where you know your feet are going to hurt from dancing, your stomach from laughing and your head from the shots of Tequila. I so can't wait. Pics to follow

Off for now be good, be safe but most of all be you!!!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Good friends = good times

Last night was so much fun. SO much better than sitting in the dark dirty bar in the next town. I am glad I went and happy that other people decided to join in the fun. Amy, Steve, Priscilla, Deveron, Kristie and her friend came. When I got to Kristen's we persuaded the house full of teens to join in too. So Jess, Michelle, Michelle, Serena and her friend and my boy Jonny Biffle came. So it cost us $100 dollars to hang with the teens. It was worth the laughs. We had so much fun. We were by far the loudest bunch of screaming people in the place. The hay ride was hysterical and proved to be worth the money. Some of us brave ones even opted to take the spook walk too. We laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves. I love those teens. I only wish my kid would have come with us but its just not his thing. He used to love doing these things. OH well his loss right. I loved it

Friday, October 17, 2008

Finally Friday

I am SOOOOO happy it is Friday. That means I get tomorrow off and it is so needed. I did 33 hrs in three days and I am wiped.

I finally got to spend some much needed time with my friends Chrissy and Barb last night. It was like old times laughing and singing and all the good stuff. I miss those guys. We have plans to go to the big Harvestfest in town tomorrow too so that should be fun.

The son had me up at 330 a.m picking him up at his girlfriends. I was NOT happy. I drive all the way there and he didn't pick up his phone or come out so I drove all the way home in hysterics. I was tired and simply overwhelmed by how this kid acts. I get all the way home and he calls to say he fell asleep. So I go ALL the way back and get him. Some might say " F#ck that I would have left him". I say "F#ck him, he's still getting up and going to school". And so yes, after 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep I got out of bed and got him up. If I have to suffer he does too. So off he went. Too bad

Tonight Kristen, Amy, Steve, Priscilla and I are going to a spooky hay ride. Some think it is boring and want to go out to the normal dive bar. Well go on. I am so over the dark dingy bar where there are more freaks than the haunted hay ride. Stay at the bar and stay in your normal stale enviroment. I think the hay ride is going to be fun and different and I have been looking forward to it. Sometimes it is fun to be a kid again and do the things that bring back childhood memories. I can't wait.

I went to the WW weigh in last night and lost another 2.8 lbs for a total of 8.8. Slow steady steps will win the race right? I was happy with that weigh loss. The slower you lose it the better chance of it staying off. Or so I have heard. I am going to try to get to the doctors so I can get an x-ray of the knee. The pain has been so bad I wake up at night. So working out on it simply is not an option.

Well I am off for now. Make a difference today. Do something new. Most of all live the life you were given. Push past the everyday stress and live.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ooops just haven't had the time

Times have been busy over here. Barely finding time to do much. I have had to work overtime both last week and this week because there is a string of illness going around work and I am the lucky one (or so they say) that hasn't gotten sick. I question this. I am now the only one overtired and overworked. But the money will be a blessing because I seem to always be broke.

The kid was really doing good there for a while. And by a while I mean for a week. But with a tough kid like him it is a one day at a time kind of world. There was the days where he just wasn't coming home or coming home at 1 in the morning. I was scared and worried and that just didn't seem to matter to him. He is simply one of those teenagers that will rebel because he can. The only thing is he doesn't realize that I am trying to save him from not only the other dangers out there in the world but most of all I am trying to save him from himself. He can't understand or doesn't want to understand that this world just isn't as easy as it looks to him. Well come to find out he has a girlfriend and that is why he hasn't been coming home or is out all night. Ok doesn't sound that bad if you know my son and the things he has done in the past. PROBLEM IS: 1. She is 19 and 2. she has a baby. Now we are talking about my kid who can't get himself up in the morning or pick up his socks. What would she want with him? I guess I just don't get it. But people say WHY? why would you let him do this. Because I DON"T RULE THE WORLD. Believe me I do what I can but I can't do it all. If the world went the way I wanted it would be peaceful and everyone would be disease free and there would be enough money to go around so we could all spend our free time in the mall. But sorry to say I don't rule the world as hard as I might try.

The diet is going well I think. I have been working with some really low fat and high fiber foods trying different things so I don't get bored. With working almost 50 hours a week there really isn't time. Not making excuses but if you know my life and how busy I am you would understand. Believe me what I do for a living it is excersize in itself. The lifting and tugging and the sweating alone. I will be at the WW meeting for sure this week.

Love life update: NONE

I haven't really had the time to spend as much time w/ my friends lately. Yeah I see Taryl and Amy at work but it isn't the same. Taryl is the one I spend most of my free time with though. I miss Chrissy and Barb though. They were who I have spent the past 5 years with. I really miss them and have to find some time for them. But I miss my girl Kristen the most. She is the most fun to be around all together. :)

Well I am off to my new addiction. Online Monopoly. Then the shows. 90210 and Biggest Loser. Talk to you soon

Friday, October 10, 2008

Flying Freely

Hello all,

Sorry it has been so long. I have been busy busy busy.

I stayed over time at work last night so I was unable to make it to the WW meeting so no update for now. I have been really good though so I feel great.

I have been flying freely this week just doing my thing. I need my free time that is when I am the happiest. It's not the healthiest lifestyle but it is what works for me. I love spending time with my friends where things are carefree. I love dancing to music, drinking my beer and just relaxing.

I went w/ Taryl to Mike's the coworkers house on Thursday night and then I slept at my friend Dave's. Don't ask. I won't tell. Most likely because it just simply doesn't make much sense. I like spenidng time w/ Dave. He is a bit unusual to say the least but his conversations amuse me.

Tonight I am off to my cousin Jesse's house which always proves to be a blast.

I will be back on tomorrow. Talk to you then

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Reflecting on the priority I pushed aside

I was reflecting like usual today about the things in the past that I have either put aside or let slip through my hands because I wanted to focus on other things.

I made it a PRIORITY to be:
1. A great mother to my son and give him what I could in all aspects. I did the best I could and it truly wasn't all that bad.

2. A good daughter to my parents who truly under appreciate what I do on a daily basis. I have been a wife to my father in the aspects of cooking, cleaning and helping with anything else he needs. I have been a crutch to my mother emotionally and physically. I have taken their abuse over the years because I excepted them for who they were and knew I couldn't change them.

3. A sister as well as a friend to both of my sisters. Rough roads have been put long behind us but it wasn't always either with both of them. One much easier than the other.

4. A fully involved family member to my ENTIRE extended family. I show up to everything, I answer the phone when it rings, I run when they need me no matter what they are asking. I have done things for my family members that I didn't think I had the strength to do. I don't regret any of it for a moment. Only wish at times they same was done for me.

5. The best friend I could be. I am HIGH maintenance as my friends say so it takes some work to hang with me for the long haul. LMFAO. I do what I can. I am there for the laughs, the tears, the heartaches that they think no one understands. We raise our kids together, party together and more. I love my friends and have always cherished them. And I have to be honest and say they do the same for me. They are my rock !!!

6. I am a great worker. I am there when they need me and more importantly I am there when they don't even know they need me. I put in my best at work and never half ass anything I have ever done. I excel at every job I have ever done.

All in all I have made the other people in my life a priority. The one thing that has never been a priority to me is in fact ME. Some may call me selfish, self centered and many other things. But the people who think those things don't know the real me. They know the me they have created in my mind. I have always thought of others before myself. I didn't know I could say NO to some of them for many years. So when I did learn the word and started thinking of me people didn't like it.

When it came to being a mother I put my son first. I was under the impression that it was how it was supposed to be. I put dating pn the back back back burner for the last 17 yrs of my life. Yes, I have dated but never with any real intentions of making it last forever. My son always required more attention. I didn't want to date and get fully involved with someone because of the fear they would never love him the way I did or understand why I did what I did for him. He was always going to be my number one. So if a man didn't like his behaviors or attitude I wasn't ever going to let them in. Not that I have like his behaviors or attitudes either but they are his and I have to deal with them because I am his mother. This was my life and if some man wasn't willing to walk in with an open mind it was never going to work. And believe me there are times I find it hard to deal with my son or to love him. So I would never expect anyone else to.

But today I realized it has to be about me sooner or later. I am not getting any younger here. I deserve to be loved, to have time to myself and to have a career not just a job.

I have let others influence my decisions because at times it seemed best. I gave up my love life and my career for my son. I wanted and needed to be available for him. He requires lots of attention in that way. School meetings, doctors appointment, psych appointments and court dates to say the least.

I am making a step towards making it about ME. I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle, I am ready to date and find HIM, I am ready to relax and most of all I am ready to find a new career position.

I have heard negative feedback from people that it always comes back to ME. That I think everything is about me. Well if you look at the facts it hasn't always been about me. Yes, I take my vacations alone now and go over nights alone. Because I get to, because I deserve to. Nobody sits home on the weekends and says " Oh, Gwen has nothing to do so I will just stay home". Please I don't think so.

I am alive and chose to live. I chose to be me. As imperfect as that might be. I am not perfect I have flaws and I except them. I am who I am

I am my own PRIORITY for now on.

The People who matter most

Here are some pics of the everyday people in my life who make me smile. Some of the simple things in life are the best things to enjoy with the people who you love and love you back. These are my people. LOL

I love the kids who still enjoy life and smile at the smallest things. Their smiles keep me focused somedays on positive things that may have tried to slip my mind.

Then you have my sister and friends who get me and let me be me. That takes a lot of work.

Pictures that make me smile

I wanted to share some old and new pics that make me smile. Pics that remind me of who I am. I can't be anyone else for someone else I can only be me. And believe me I know my lifestyle is not for everyone but I have to live and don't want to sit around waiting for life to happen. I am naturally a social person and love to be out and about and living the life I was given. I love my friends and I love the times we have out. So I wanted to share some pics with you of times from the past that reflect on who I AM.

Knee is holding me down

I have tried to do a little working out today but my knee is holding me down. I actually did a little jogging the other day and the pressure proved to be too much for my little knee to handle. So I opted for some floor excerises and dumbells. It just doesn't feel the same as power walking and sweating it out.

Two more days till the big weigh in and the scale obsessed person that I am has weighed myself. And NOTHING. I read online that you should only weigh yourself once a week because seeing the negative numbers can be a setback mentally. But I just can't resist the urge. I will try to stay positive and focused and see what happens.

One day at a time right? We shall see what Thursday night brings. I have been eating good and doing some working out but not my normal. I only drank once this week and that is a big thing for me. I usually can find any reason to drink but as my sister recently said in a card bad foods and alcohol can really be a bad combo.

When times were simple...or at least easier than now

I was looking through pictures today which I tend to do a lot. I like to look through them and remember the days back when. The days I thought were tough and tiring but now seem so simple and easy.

The days when I was younger and thinner and had the energy to keep up with my son. The energy to chase him and play with him.

Most most of all I like to remember the days when we did things together and laughed and just simply enjoyed our time together. Maybe someday he will grow up and appreciate these moments too.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Monday Maybe???

Is it Monday? What time is it and what time did I get here? ARRRGG!!! I was woken up this morning at 3:15 am for no reason other than people being loud and inconsiderate to the fact that others are actually sleeping. I started to doze off at around 5 am only to be woken up at 5:14 by the smoke detector. Then dozed off again only to be woken up by my less than enjoyable alarm clock at 5:45. WHY? Because I was not meant to sleep I guess. Thank God I don't need beauty sleep right? Well I am up and ready to face the day.

I am feeling good this week about my diet and workout routine. I am focusing on the positive and releasing as much negative as I can. My life is HIGHLY unstable so I have to embrace each moment for what it is. For every two positive things that happen at least one negative does. But if I let the bad things keep me down I will never be happy. I will never be healthy. So screw it all I am going to TRY and be happy today. What more can a girl do besides try?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Update from Saturday 10.04.08

Today marked the fourth year anniversary of the passing of my cousin Dee. So I would like to take a few minutes to reflect on my memories of her.

When I think of Dee I think happy thoughts of a time that will never be replayed. She was my older cousin, my other sister and one of my best friends. We did a lot together through the years that will forever be in my heart and mind. Most importantly we raised our kids together. We vacationed together in Maine every year both loving the beach and watching our two kids run in the waves and play like siblings. We went out together with our friends and laughed until we cried. Dee got a divorce quickly after the birth of her daughter and I walked beside her and wiped her tears. And over the MANY heartbreaks and disappointments I went through she was there for me.
She was a large part of my life and when she died on Ovarian Cancer on 10.04.04 my life was changed forever. My son suffered, I suffered and the family as a whole suffered. But as if losing her was not enough we lost her daughter Jessica to her evil step mother and unloving father. For four years she was taken from us and placed in and out of mental facilities and group homes. But I am glad to say she is HOME now and with our family. Jessica is doing incredible in the wake of what happened to her entire world. She is living with my cousin Jay and best friend Kristen, she is going to college and working full time. This girl is simply a SURVIVOR. She is amazing and carries on her mothers spirit. She too like her mother embraces life and lives it. She is a firecracker. Looking at Jessica and watching her is like having a piece of Dee back. Within Jessica is her mother and that makes these past four years bearable.
So today I write with a smile on my face. Today and each day the passing of Dee gets easier. I love her and miss her. And I will never forget our 32 years together.
Four seconds, four minutes, four hours, four months now four years. FOURever in my heart.

Update from Friday night 10.03.08

Friday was so unexpected. I went to work and all the girls were talking about going out for drinks. I had no intentions on it since I spent Thursday night out at Daves and was tired. I work and came home and went to Guitar Center with the kid. My cell was ringing off the hook so needless to say eventually I went out.
I met Taryl and Mike at the Pump House for one drink. Literally one. Mike was wasted to say the least. So we decided to venture to Lynda's where they play dance music. At this point Mike feels the need to dance it out and show his stuff. LMFAO So we are walking to Lynda's and I remember that our friend Sarah just moved into an apartment on Main St. Thankfully we find it and head up there. I think at this point our dear friend Mike could use a breather. Or more like the town needed some time to prepare for his arrival.
Lets just review a thing or two so that you understand. Mike is the guy who does maintenance at work. He is the go to guy for almost anything. I love him to death. He helps me out most mornings by setting up all of my work stuff so I can just walk LATE and work. He is sweet and honest and QUIET. Or so I thought. For over a year I have worked with this guy and he barely says a word to any of us. He is a love I tell ya.
As we have come to find out he is like that only at work. Once he is out and finds a bottle of Bacardi Razz it is on. All of a sudden he is a dancer, a singer, a fighter and so much more. Man I long for the quiet Mike.
So we are out at Sarahs and decided it might just be time to head out again. So we all pack up and head to Lynda's. Again another short lived visit. Mike isn't the typical guy you would find in these bars. He is white and dresses hip hop I guess you would say. These bars are dark and shady and have the lizards in them that have been there since your parents went there many years ago. So needless to say at every point of the night somebody had something sarcastic to say to Mike. Well that doesn't go over well I am telling you. People almost flew off of balconies a few times. LOL
So ok I must come up with another plan. Sarah and I decide to grab some beers and head back to her place. That way it will just be all of us friends and Mike will be able to relax. This proves to be one of the better ideas of the night.
We drank and danced and laughed and all the other good stuff. Then BAM in an instant I screwed it up. One thing leads to another and with the help of many beers and shots I am pressed against the wall by Mike. Shit I can see it coming but can't fight my way out of the whole thought process. So there I am making out with Mike.
Do I like Mike like that. NO to the HELL NO. He is my friend and my coworker and NOTHING more. But I figure we are drunk and it won't matter in the morning. WRONG again Gwen.
He called three times on Saturday. Never called before now three calls in a day. WTF right? Well hopefully he can be cool and act normal at work because I simply can't deal with men and stress at work. It was some kisses simply kisses so lets just get past it and move on.
Men have been moving on for years so I think it is ok to kiss and sleep with someone (fully dressed in bed, SLEEPING) and not feel any connection or responsiblity in the morning. Please let this pass. LMFAO

Friday, October 3, 2008

Go Me !!!

Ok, so the scale was kinder this week. Took of the same exact 5lbs that I gained last week. I was hoping for a good 6 lbs so that I would have a bonus pound but what can you do right? One ounce at a time. If I set myself to believe I was going to wake up and be skinny I would wake up to shear disappointment every single day. I will take a loss each week and I mean any loss. If it goes down I will smile. If it goes up I am picking up the scale and throwing at the mean lady who writes the numbers down.

Up up and away. Off with the pounds. Its a new week and new motivation. Wish me luck

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The big day has arrived. Hopefully not Bigger. LOL

Today is the big weigh in at WW. I have convinced myself that I had a pretty good week. I think I recovered from the bad food choices I made over the weekend. I worked out w/ my man Billy Banks, did upper body work w/ the 5lb weights and walked about 10 miles this week. Maybe more I cant be sure. I just know it wasn't as much as usual. But all in all I think it was a good recovery.

I have started putting more work into finding a perfect workout routine that I can do without my friends. Sometimes they just can't make it or their schedule doesn't work with mine. One of my famous excuses is that I don't like to walk or workout alone. I am slowly overcoming that idea though. I now will walk outside alone without the fear of being struck by a car or kidnapped. Sorry peeps but I am cute someone might want to take me. LOL

I am trying to incorporate more vegetables into my diet and drink the gallon of water a day. All I can say is " I AM TRYING". I figure anything more than I was doing before has to be a good thing right?

Amy and Beth my twin WW partners can't join me tonight. I could not go and wait until next week but that won't help. I have skipped weeks before and that leads to me quitting all together. I am going and I am getting on that evil scale, paying my $12 and hoping for the best.

I will let you all know how it turns out.

BTW.... due to the overwhelming stress I have broken down to daily smoking again. I am hoping to give them back up again soon. I am going to need some more Chantix though. Quitting smoking is harder than giving up buffalo wings believe me.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

This shit shut me down

I have no idea why but it shut me down mid type. LOL

Anyways he is looking at 7 to 10 days of inpatient juvie. Not what I worked so hard at avoiding but exactly what he fed into. He fought the system and everyone who tried to help him. This could be the only thing to save him. This could make or break him. I just don't know anymore. I tried as hard as I could and don't know anywhere else to turn for help.

I am at a loss on this one. It is out of my hands.

I am over tired and off to bed. More in the am.

I know you waited but wait till you read all of this

Well I have really been trying hard to get online and update everyone on what is getting to me now. It was not an easy day yesterday to say the least. Putting up with my oh so perfect impatient mother is simply not that easy. She knows everything and never has to listen to the other side. Why would she bother when she already knows?

I knew exactly what the meeting at school was going to be about. My son has been on probation for a while. That means a lot of things. He has to go to school, he has to have a curfew, he has to be good all around. He simply WILL NOT do these things. His life is far from hard. Believe me I know the kid is spoiled rotten and there is no pill in the world that will fix that.

We have done two years of court, counseling and medication management. I have spent countless hours on the phone and in emails trying to get this kid help. But if you are part of the whole MIDDLE AMERICAN world there really isn't that much available to you. Living in the country somehow entitles you to a brand of persons you aren't even aware of. This town is known to be well off. But believe me alot of people aren't. Our kids have the same problems as inner city kids but we just don't have the resources. BELIEVE me I tried everything available and still got no help.